


Gold Chandeliers

by hysteria87



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 72,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hysteria87/pseuds/hysteria87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You should be thankful that we’re even letting you become a part of this so called ‘circus.’ Most bands wouldn’t put up with this crap.”</p>
<p>“I knew it was a long shot when I asked for this, but Krissi has a lot of contacts and I was just hoping…”</p>
<p>“That you wouldn’t get stuck with us,” he finished. I fell silent. There was clearly no winning. I swallowed hard and steadied my voice.</p>
<p>“That I would be with a band that I had a little more in common with.” His eyes flashed with sadness and hurt. After all that he’s done to me today, that is what got to him?</p>
<p>“You don’t even know us,” he quietly started.</p>
<p>She's just trying to finish her degree and get a job. That was the plan, anyway, until he came in and ruined everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Zoo Station

I'm ready / I'm ready for the laughing gas / I'm ready / I'm ready for what's next / I'm ready to duck / I'm ready to dive / I'm ready to say / I'm glad to be alive / I'm ready / I'm ready for the push / The cool of the night / The warmth of the breeze / I'll be crawling 'round / On my hands and knees / Just down the line...Zoo Station / Gotta make it on time...Zoo Station / I'm ready / I'm ready for the gridlock / I'm ready...to take it to the street / I'm ready for the shuffle / Ready for the deal / Ready to let go of the steering wheel / I'm ready / Ready for the crush / (She's just down the line)...Zoo Station / (Got to make it on time)...Zoo Station / Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright / It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, It's alright / Hey baby, hey baby, hey baby, hey baby / It's alright, it's alright / Time is a train / Makes the future the past / Leaves you standing in the station / Your face pressed up against the glass / I'm just down the line from your love...(Zoo Station) / You know I'm under the sign...(Zoo Station) / I've gotta make it on time / Make it on time...(Zoo Station) / That's alright...(Zoo Station) / Just two stops down the line...(Zoo Station) / Just a stop down the line...   
Zoo Station - U2 (Bono, Clayton, Edge, Mullen) 

 

I stood in the lobby of the poshist hotel in Chicago in my nicest work clothes: dark blue button up top, black pencil skirt, and my fierce heals. I could turn heads in this outfit but unfortunately; it was five in the morning. No one was here to see me at my best, at least not yet. I was there to meet the band that I would be shadowing for the next eight weeks. 

“Ms. Achter?” I spun on the spot to face a slightly heavyset man with glasses and a head full of hair. He looked like a manager. I nodded.

“Hi, I’m Kevin, the boys’ dad and manager. How are you this morning?”

“I’m doing well, how are you?” I replied, trained in the art of the business conversation.

“I’m doing good too. If you follow me upstairs, the boys are just finishing breakfast.” I smiled and nodded again. He led me to the elevator nearest and stabbed the 5 button with his finger. We rode in silence, my curiosity of who exactly these ‘boys’ growing with each floor. The doors opened with a chime when we reached the proper floor, and Kevin led me down the hall to room 522. He swiped the keycard and effortlessly held open the door while I stepped into the penthouse suite. I had never been in a room like this before. This was so far beyond any hotel room I had ever been in before. I couldn’t look around fast enough. Two giant pillow topped couches flanked either side of a fireplace that was adorned with various fake plants and flowers. A large breakfast table stood in front of a set of floor to ceiling windows, framing the pre-dawn Chicago skyline. It really would have been a beautiful sight, had I not had three young men of various stages of puberty blocking my view. I surveyed them. Two were decently groomed and dressed for how early it was, the third still in sweatpants and a white tee shirt, wiping sleep from his eyes and yawning. So, these must be the “boys.” The one on my right shot out his hand. He was also the most dressed.

“Hi, I’m Kevin”

“I’m Nick,” and the yawning one.

“Joe,” right down the line, I shook each hand and smiled.

“And this is Ms. Amanda Achter,” older Kevin introduced.

“Please, call me Mandy,”

“Mandy” they all deadpan repeated. I met each of their eyes and over to older Kevin.

“Is something wrong?”

“Is your name really Mandy?” Joe questioned with a slight bite in his voice. Who knew someone could be so rude this early?

“No, it’s fine. We have a friend with your name” Nick interrupted and shot Joe a look. A very large man entered the living room, wearing jeans and a black tee shirt with what looked like a crest on his left side.

“C’mon guys. Finish eating and get dressed. We have to be out of here by 5:45,” With that, the boys broke out of formation and sat back at the table. The sky had lightened considerably. 

“Rob, this is Mandy. She’s going to be with us this summer,” younger Kevin introduced.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” and another handshake and smile. “Joe, if you’re not going to eat, then go get dressed.” Joe stifled another yawn and reached over for a muffin. 

“Mandy, are you hungry? You’re welcome to join us,” younger Kevin asked. Obviously, he was the polite one. I nodded and took a seat across from him and grabbed a muffin myself.

“What exactly are you going to be doing with us this summer?” Joe asked between bites. I sipped on a glass of orange juice as I contemplated my answer. How to make them understand.

“I’m technically an intern for your company for the summer.”

“We have interns?” Joe asked no one in particular.

“Apparently,” Kevin answered.

“That just seems weird. So, what? You’re going to open our mail and get coffee and Diet Coke?” Joe continued.

“No, not exactly. By the end of it, I’m expected to produce an article for potential publication,” I finished.

“Like, ‘Almost Famous’?” Nick responded. 

“Sort of, but I’m expecting less sex and drugs” I laughed a little.

“What do you hope to do after all of this?” Kevin asked.

“Well, I’ll use this piece as part of my portfolio, along with some of my other work, and hopefully get a position at a magazine, preferably something music related.”

“I hope we give you plenty of material for your article,” and Joe stood up and left the living room. I slowly set down my juice.

“Did I say something wrong?” Nick shook his head and Kevin sighed.   
“No, he’s just like this sometimes. He’ll come around to you,” Nick explained, “We should probably finish getting ready also.”

“If you’ll excuse us,” Kevin said as they both stood to leave. Yep, he’s the polite one. Nick’s the serious one. And Joe? He’s a prick. 

Who the fuck are these guys anyway? Obviously, a band. I got that much. Three brothers, in a band, much like Hanson. They are in demand, since I had to be here so damn early. For someone wanting to work in music journalism, I am embarrassingly out of touch with popular music. I absently picked at my muffin. I’m fairly certain I’m insane for agreeing to this. ‘Spend your entire summer with a mystery band doing whatever they are doing and write an article on the experience.’ So many unknowns, yet, I jumped in. And now I’m stuck with them, who ever they are. I don’t even know what we’re doing this summer. I mean, I could be stuck in a recording studio or be spending it in Japan. I was just told to pack my bag. I’m not getting paid, but I can’t really complain about that since my food and housing are taken care of. I have some money in the bank and an emergency credit card, ‘For real emergencies only, not like ‘those shoes are on sale’ emergencies,’ as I was told about a thousand times by my mom. I was assured that I would be fine, that if there were any concerns or anything I needed, I could call my mom or Krissi, the internship coordinator. And, after all, if I really hated the situation, it was only for two months. 

A kid of about 8 or 9 years plopped down at the table, yawning much in the same way Joe did. He just stared at me as he poured himself some cereal.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi. Who are you?” he munched.

“Mandy.” 

“You’re not Mandy.”

“Not the other Mandy. I’m a new Mandy.”

“Oh.”

“Who are you?”

“Frankie, their brother,” Dear lord, another brother? How many kids does this family have? “Why are you here?”

“I’m writing an article.”   
“Another one? Aren’t there enough articles on them?”

“Well, I’m hoping mine’s different.”

“You’re younger than most of the people who write about them,” I paused for a moment.

“Thank you?”

He shrugged and went back to his cereal. 

“I heard we had someone joining us for the summer,” a kind voice floated over to me. I turned to her, “Hi, I’m Denise, their mom.” I stood shook her hand and smiled. I’m trained.

“Hi, I’m Mandy. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too. How are you? I know it’s early…”

“I’m pretty good. I used to work at this time in the morning, so it’s just a matter of getting back into the rhythm of it again.”

“That’s good. Most people when they come on board don’t get that the stories of late nights and early mornings are true. The boys should be ready soon and then things will really start. Are your bags on the bus?”

“I’m fairly certain. Someone in the lobby took them,”

“Okay, good. Well, relax for now until we’re ready to go.” She said. “5 minutes, guys!”  
The sky above Chicago was now a soft pink and yellow. Kevin was the first one out, perfectly groomed curls, a grey fitted tee-shirt, black vest, dark skinny jeans, and black leather boots.

“Can we stop and get Starbucks?” he asked.

“Called ahead. The station will have some,” Denise said, “Nick, Joe, hurry up!” Nick strolled out and much like his brother, perfectly groomed curls, white dress shirt, blue and green striped tie, dark skinny jeans, and black boots.

“Yes, coffee would be fantastic,” he said as he pulled a hand through his hair.

“Where’s your brother?”

“Are we sure he didn’t fall asleep?” Kevin responded. Denise sighed and disappeared into the hallway to the rooms.

“You’re going to see this a lot,” Nick said.

“Joe’s not a morning person?” I asked.  
“That’s putting it lightly,” Kevin said.

“JOSEPH ADAM, GET UP, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, AND GET OUT THERE!” Denise boomed. I’m fairly certain everyone on our floor was awake now.

“What did I tell you? Sleeping,” Kevin said.

“You guys should go down to the car. Frankie, you go with them. We’ll be down in a minute,” Denise poked her head out. Nick nodded, I gathered my purse, and the four of us exited the room, down the hall, and packed into the elevator.

“Are we going to be late?” I asked, worried that every day was going to be like this.

“Nope. We do the 5 minute call 10 minutes before we really have to leave for this very reason,” Kevin explained.

“I didn’t know that,” Frankie said.

“Well, now you do, but don’t tell Joe,” Nick said. The elevator stopped and the doors opened to the lobby where Kevin Sr. was waiting.

“Joe sleeping?” he asked. We all nodded, “Oh well, get in the van” He lead us out to the waiting, black gigantor-van. Nick and Frankie piled into the middle row, Kevin and me in the back, Kevin Sr. and Rob sat up front. No one spoke as we waited. If Joe really did this every day, this was going to get old quick. Finally, Joe and Denise emerged from the front doors and into the van; Denise next to Frankie and Joe next to me. He was wearing a grey tee shirt, black leather jacket, faded grey jeans, and back low top Chuck Taylors. He was a lot more casual than his brothers. He didn’t quite look like he was ready for the day ahead. The engine revved and we pulled away from the hotel.

“How are you dealing with the early morning?” Joe gruffly asked, low enough so only I would hear. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he was genuinely concerned. 

“I was telling your mom earlier about how I used to work at this time in the morning. I’m fine.”

“Well, aren’t you just little miss perfect,” as he stared out the window.

“No, I’ve just seen this time of day before. I also anticipated early mornings and late nights when I took this internship.”

“Where are we going?” he asked the van in general, obviously bored with my explanation. 

“We have a radio interview and a spot first,” Denise responded. 

“May I ask what station?” I asked.

“You’ll find out anyway,” Joe mumbled. I ignored him.

“103.5 KIIS-FM” Kevin Sr. said from the front.

“Wow, big station,” I said.

“Is it?” Nick asked, “I know it’s a national station, but is it big in Chicago?”

“Yeah, probably the biggest” The van turned a corner and pulled into an underground garage. There was a scramble for seatbelts.

“Here, you’re going to need this. There’s a chance that security might think you’re a fan who snuck in,” Denise said as she fished a pass from her bag and handed it to me. I strung it around my neck without much thought and followed Joe out of the van.

“Are you sure there’s going to be Starbucks?”

“Kevin, they said they would send someone out right away. Now, we won’t know until we get inside,” Denise answered. A woman who didn’t seem much older than me propped open a door and approached us. I gave her a once over; short black hair, several layers of tee shirts, dark grey slacks and black flats. Flats. Ugh, these heels were not going to work all day.

“Hi, I’m Kristy, I’ll be your assistant. If you need anything, feel free to ask. How are all of you?” She finished. Each guy shook her hand, turning on the charm.

“We’re fine” Kevin Sr. answered. 

“Well then, if you’ll follow me, we’ll get you to your room” and we shuffled in. Kristy lead us down a hall, up some stairs, down another hall, and into a modest sized room, filled with couches, mirrors, munchies and Starbucks.

“You can relax in here and I’ll be back to get you when we’re ready,” she said with a smile. Polite thank you’s all around and I sat in a nearby chair. Kevin and Nick practically dove at the coffee as soon as the door closed. Kevin Sr. and Rob sat and poured over a notebook. Frankie picked at the fruit. 

“Joe, what are you doing with your hair?” Denise asked.

“You didn’t happen to bring my black beanie, did you?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes. She rummaged in her bag and sure enough, she found it. Joe simply took it and shoved it on his head, small curls peeking out. If he weren’t such a dick, he would almost be cute.

“Mandy, do you want anything? There’s coffee, juice, tea…” Kevin politely offered.   
“Tea sounds great, thanks” I replied with a smile. He poured me a cup and handed it over. I sat back in my chair. I had a feeling that out of the three of them, Kevin was going to be my favorite. Nick was cool too, but he’s also young. Kevin was my own age, polite, and just seemed like an all around cool guy. 

This was surreal. I mean, I didn’t know what to expect, but the whole “shuttle in, shuttle out” seemed odd. Hurry up and wait. Drink free coffee. Hopefully don’t piss anyone off. Already the rock star life doesn’t seem so glamorous. I sipped on my generic tea. Eww, but tea was tea. I made a mental note to pick up some good tea and keep it in my purse. Kevin typed on his Blackberry. Nick joined Rob and his dad in their discussion. Joe was messing around with Frankie. Denise walked over and kneeled behind my chair.

“Those heels aren’t going to work all day,” she said. I turned towards her.

“No, I’ll be fine. They’re okay.”

“Mandy, I’m a mom. You’re going to be with us for a while. Treat me like I’m yours,” she said with a smile. Just hearing those words made me feel better. She’s my mom on this ride.

“Thanks, and if I need different shoes, I’ll let you know” Kristy appeared at the door.

“We’re ready for you. Any of you are welcome to come and watch if you want,” she said.

“Can I go?” I asked Denise.

“If you want. We’re going to stay in here though. Go, see what it’s like” she said. I stood and followed the guys out, down the hall again, and into a little room with a huge Plexiglas window that looked in on the console and mics. Two walls in that room were glass and faced the street, which was currently lined with throngs on teenage girls. 

“You can stay and watch from here. Sorry, but only the band is allowed in,” she instructed. I nodded and took my spot at the window. The on-air light turned off as the station went to commercial. Kristy led the boys in and the fans went batshit crazy. Soundproof glass is amazing stuff. The boys smiled and waved to the girls as they each put on a set of headphones and took a seat at a mic. They chatted a bit with the DJ about something I could not hear. He held up a five with his hand and counted down. At the 0 the on-air light flicked back on and the broadcast was pumped into the room.

“Welcome back, Chicago. You’re on air with Drex in the morning and today we have a very special guest with us. Well, actually, three very special guests and tonight they’ll be playing the United Center at a sold out show. The Jonas Brothers…” and I stopped listening. The Jonas Brothers? My jaw dropped slightly for a split second, but Joe’s eyes still caught it. The Jonas Brothers. I had heard of them. They were the Disney no-sex-until-marriage band. A Disney band. My stomach turned. I was stuck with a Disney band? I was just joking about the less sex and drugs thing before, but damn. Really? I checked my pass that Denise gave me earlier. Sure enough, The Jonas Brothers was branded all over it. I don’t want to write about a Disney band. There is nothing to write about a Disney band. I was going to be stuck in Mickey Mouse’s clubhouse of fluffy clouds and rainbows and forced happiness all summer. Shoot me now.

“So, guys, I know all these girls out here are dying to know, do you have girlfriends?” Drex asked as the girls outside went crazy again, “Nick, we’ve heard rumors about you and Miley Cyrus.”

“Miley and I are just good friends. No, none of us have girlfriends,” he answered and the other two nodded, forgetting that no one listening could see them nod. The girls screamed again.

“Well, we have to play a song now, so why don’t you guys pick one of yours?” They briefly looked at each other and silently communicated. 

“How about LoveBug?” Kevin suggested. More screaming from the peanut gallery. Seriously, do they ever stop screaming?

“Sounds good. And we’ll be back with more of the Jonas Brothers in a bit,” The on-air light went off and what I assumed to be LoveBug came on. They leaned over the console and spoke with Drex again, which then lead to talking amongst themselves.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. It was too early to call Krissi and figure out how exactly I got stuck with the Jonas and if there was any way I could get unstuck with them. But, she was the only person who could help me get out of here. It’s a shame I have to leave because I like Denise, but if I want to write a really amazing article and get a good job by August, the Jonas Brothers were not going to cut it, no matter how much those girls screamed. The light flicked back on and I snapped back to reality.

“I though that we might play a game. Sound okay to you guys?” There was a chorus of affirmation, “You guys think of a person and three clues about the person and whoever calls in with the correct answer will get two tickets to tonight’s sold out show. You guys got a person yet?” Another round of yes’ “Okay, Nick, give your clue.”

“This person loves to play video games,” He said. Joe leaned into his mic.

“This person is pretty much the coolest person I know.”

“Likes video games and is the coolest person Joe knows. Guys aren’t making this easy,” Drex replied.

“This person’s nick name is the Tank,” Kevin said and with that the board lit up with calls of desperate fans. 

“Whoa, that last one did it. Hello? You’re on the air with Drex and the Jonas Brothers.”

“Hello? My name’s Julie. Did I win?” a voice high with anticipation said.

“Well, not yet. Do you know who the Jonas Brothers are thinking of?”

“Yes! Ohmigod, is it Frankie?” Silence. Her guess was as good as mine. For all I knew, they could be talking about Brad Pitt.

“Congratulations, Julie, it is Frankie, our little brother,” Kevin said. Julie let out a scream that I’m sure made some poor person driving crash. The boys cracked the widest smiles, obviously thrilled that they made this girl’s year. 

“OHMIGOD! THANK YOU! Thank you! Thank you so much! I can’t believe I won!”

“No problem, Julie. You earned it,” Nick chimed in. 

“Yeah, we can’t wait to see you tonight,” Joe added, smiling the widest, for the first time today looking genuinely happy. Maybe now that he’s made this girl’s day, he won’t be such a little prick to me.

“Julie, stay on the line so we can get all the correct information. Guys, thanks for stopping over. The Jonas Brothers will be at the United Center tonight and the show is sold out. We’ll have more tickets to give out through the day so keep it here on 103.5 KIIS-FM!” and the light went out again. Each one shook Drex’s hand and shuffled out, waving to the fans in the window again. Before anyone could even say anything, Kristy made a motion for us to follow her. Three doors down and to the right was the recording booth, where I suppose many a celebrity sat and recorded a local spot for the station.

“You can come in for this, but you have to be silent,” Kristy warned, a little excited for her slight power trip over me, “Guys, if you’ll each sit at a mic, the script is right there, we’ll get some levels and get this finished,” and she took a spot behind the computer and clicked a few things while they each put on a pair of headphones and checked the mics. Finally, she nodded and the record light lit up.

“I’m Kevin,”

“I’m Joe,”

“I’m Nick,” they all introduced.

“And we’re the Jonas Brothers,” in sync, like they had done this a million times before.

“And the only station for us in Chicago is, “ Joe continued.

“103.5 KIIS-FM,” in unison again. The light went off and Kristy nodded again, I’m assuming she meant the take was good. The boys took off their headphones and she lead us back to our room, this part of the day apparently over. I breathed a sigh as I sat back in a chair.

“So, what’s next?” Nick asked no one in particular.

“Off to the venue for some down time, sound check, meet and greet, and showtime,” Kevin Sr. answered. Yep, these heels were not going to make it through the day and hopefully, neither would I.


	2. By The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Standing in line to / See the show tonight / And there's a light of / Heavy glow / By the way I tried to say I'd be there waiting for / Dani's the girl is / Singing songs to me / Beneath the marquee / Overload / Steak knife / Card shark / Con job / Boot cut / Skin that flick / She's such a little DJ / To get there quick / By street but not the freeway / Turn that trick / To make a little leeway / Beat that nic / But not the way that we play / Dogtown / Blood bath / Rib cage / Soft tal / Standing in line to / See the show tonight / And there's a light on / Heavy glow / By the way I tried to say / I'd be there waiting for / Dani's the girl is / Singing songs to me / Beneath the marquee / Overload / Black jack / Dope dick / Pawn shop / Quick pick / Kiss that dyke / I know you want to hold one / Not on strike / But I'm about to bowl one / Bite that mic / I know you never stole one / Girls that like / A story, so I told one / Song bird / Main line / Cash back / Hard top / Standing in line to / See the show tonight / And there's a light on / Heavy glow / By the way I tried to say / I'd be there waiting for / Dani's the girl is / Singing songs to me / Beneath the marquee / Overload
> 
> By The Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers

I’ve been to the United Center before. One of my first concerts was at the United Center: Blink-182, Sum 41, 311, Bush, a few others. I was no stranger to concerts. I was no stranger to teeny-bopper concerts. I was a Backstreet Boys fan back in my day. I made my mom wait with me at 11 am to get into the show, making us 6th in line. But this was 9 am and there was already a line around the building forming. Tents. People brought tents. All I could see from my tinted window in the back of the van were weary parents, blurry eyed from a late and uncomfortable night offering to run and go get coffee and doughnuts for each other. Was any band really worth this much adoration? Ask me that back in my Nick Carter days and I would have told you yes without blinking an eye. But now? Unless I was going to get a private show from Muse themselves, I was not going to camp for a band. Especially not a Disney band. 

The van pulled into a back garage entrance where no fans could follow and we all piled out, much like before. I followed our little group out onto the main floor, every click of my heels echoing. It was kind of freaky with the entire place relatively empty. No screaming girls, no signs, nothing yet. Just a giant stage with a catwalk coming out of the middle of it and various crew members setting up steps and lights.

“Whoa, Jordan, Pippin, and Gretzky are all retired here?” Joe said more to himself than anyone in particular.

“Yeah, well, you know the Bulls and the Blackhawks play here all the time,” I said. 

“Obviously. Thank you for that brief bit of Chicago sports history,” he retorted. There was just no winning with him, was there. 

“Nick, how far?” Kevin asked, obviously ignoring or not hearing Joe’s rudeness.

“With you pitching or someone good pitching?” There was a collective ‘ooooo’. Were they seriously talking about playing baseball in here?

“Ha ha. Seriously, how far?” Nick looked to the seats and considered for a moment.

“Middle of the first tier, maybe 12th row.”

“No way, dude. Maybe third row, tops,” Joe joined.

“I think you’re thinking of yourself. I could totally make it to the 12th row.” Nick J, trash talking. I don’t know, the 12th row was pretty damn far.

“You willing to put money on that?”

“50 bucks” and they shook on it. I wandered over to Denise.

“Are you really going to let them bet on each other?” I asked. It didn’t seem to be in the Disney image to gamble. 

“I figure that it’s their money and I rather they use it this way than going out and going crazy,” I had to admit, she had a point, especially with the onslaught of young stars clubbing every night and having breakdowns nowadays.

“You guys finally here? Let’s get this game going!” a man yelled from the stage, holding a whiffle-ball bat and a bucket full of balls. 

“John Taylor!” Joe exclaimed as he took a sharpie out of his back pocket, “How was the ride?”

“Not too bad. Pretty flat. How was the radio station?” John asked as Joe started signing the balls. 

“Same stuff. A girl won tickets for tonight though, so that was pretty cool. Nick, you gonna come help with these balls or do you just want to hand over the 50 now?” Joe responded. 

“Mandy, I’m going to go back and settle in. You’re welcome to come with or stay and watch the boys.” Denise said. 

“I think I’m going to stay here. I kind of want to see who wins the money,” I said, taking a seat at the end of the catwalk. She just nodded and turned to go backstage. The three of them proceeded to sign the balls: Kevin, Joe, and Nick, right down the line. 

“John, this is Mandy. She’s going to be touring with us this summer. Mandy, John is our Musical Director” Kevin introduced. I stood and shook his hand.

“What are you going to be doing with us on this tour?” John asked as he leaned on the plastic bat.

“She’s writing an article on us for class and hopefully it will be picked up in a magazine,” Nick explained while throwing a ball into the bucket and getting another one.

“Really? That’s pretty cool for class,” John said. I could only smile. I didn’t have the heart to tell anyone that I was planning on getting the first train out of here as soon as I talked to Krissi.

“In the mean time, mind if we get this contest going?” Joe interrupted. Of course, all eyes must be on him at all times. Kevin and Nick threw in the remaining balls and hopped off the end of the stage.

“5 balls each?” Joe asked no one in particular. He picked up a ball and took the bat from John, readying himself at the end of the catwalk. He positioned himself and looked out over the seats. He threw the ball up into the air and waited for it to come down, making contact with the bat and sending it flying towards the back row. Kevin started running after it, but not to catch it. When the ball finally landed three rows short of the first tier Kevin stood on the spot. A home run derby. I agreed to watch a home run derby. Shouldn’t they be doing interviews or actually working or something? 

“Close, Joe, but not quite,” Nick teased.

“Yeah, but that’s only ball one,” Joe responded and picked up another ball. He repeated the actions as before, but this time Nick stood at the ball’s landing spot, which was the first row of the first tier. He did this three more times, the furthest ball landing somewhere in the fourth row. John was up next, his five falling just short of Joe’s first. Joe ran out and took Kevin’s place in the fourth row as Kevin took his five shots, most of them hitting the first row, although he hit one late and it went way out to the right. John ran out for Nick as he took his stance at the end. 

“Dude, just give up and pay me now. There’s no way you can hit it to the 12th row,” Joe shouted from his position. 

“What was that, Joe? I can’t hear you over the sound of your tears when you hand over the money,” Nick retorted while he took a few practice swings. I had to admit, this was pretty funny to watch. I never would have penned Nick as super competitive. He reached for a ball and imitated his brothers’ actions, sinking it into the second row. “Last chance to renege on the bet…”

“Just hit the balls,” Joe yelled back. He didn’t seem too happy about Nick’s first swing and the fact that it went further than his own. Nick did as he was told and continued on his hitting streak, sending John back to the 13th row to find his final ball. Nick smugly turned and smiled at me as Joe and John jogged back to the stage. 

“No way…” Joe said.

“Shouldn’t have made the bet, man,” said Kevin.

“Fifty bucks, hand it over,” Nick sad as Joe took out a wad of cash from his back pocket.

“Yeah, yeah. You won fair and square,” Joe retorted as he flipped through the bills smoothly pulling a 50 from the pile. Fifty bucks, handed over, just like that. I’ve only handled a 50 dollar bill once and that was when I worked at Subway, and that was only when someone ordered a party platter.

“What do you do with the balls?” I asked.

“We leave them. The fans will pick them up,” Kevin answered. That explains why they signed them. That’s pretty cool, a little something extra for the crazy girls. I wonder how many fights are going to break out over those little pieces of plastic.

“Hey guys. Welcome to Chicago!” a middle-aged man said as he approached the catwalk.

“Hey, Phil, how’s it going?” Joe said as they did that half hug half handshake thing that guys do. They all did that.

“Phil, this is Mandy. She’s our resident reporter this summer,” Nick introduced. 

“Ahh, you’re Krissi’s girl, right?” he said as he leaned down to shake my outstretched hand. 

“Yes, she the internship coordinator,” I replied, feeling slightly awkward that everyone was on stage and I was on the floor.

“Krissi and I go way back and I couldn’t have been more excited when she called me with this idea.” Ah, so he’s the one I have to pummel for getting me into this mouse-eared nightmare. 

“Thank you for coordinating this for me. I’m sure it’s going to be an amazing summer,” I lied through my teeth.

“Well, should we get started in the sound check?” Joe asked, not buying my fake enthusiasm, “Where’s Garbo and the rest?” Garbo? Who’s Garbo and why would someone name their kid Garbo?

“I think he’s backstage updating the Garbo Blog,” John answered as they all made their way towards the back, leaving me alone in the middle of the seats. Well, this was just great. It was still a bit too early for me to call Krissi and get myself out of here, I didn’t really fancy sitting and watching them prance around to an invisible audience, my feet were starting to rebel against my choice of shoe, I’m hungry, and I don’t know my way around the stupid United Center. Couldn’t I just run? I could get a taxi back to Lasalle Street Station and go home. I would do it too if my computer wasn’t being held hostage with the luggage. I sighed and followed the barrier back to the side of the stage, desperately trying to find a break so I could find Denise. Unfortunately, there was no break. Of course, the only way back stage was through the stage itself. I studied the barrier. If I could wedge my toe in between two of the bars, I could swing my other leg up and over. So I did just that, except my up and over carried me a little too over and I fell in a nice heap on my ass. I sighed as I sat there on the floor. I may be business trained but I’m not the most physically adept. I absent-mindedly accepted the outstretched hand and pulled myself up.

“Are you okay?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said as I composed myself, slightly embarrassed that he witnessed my spectacular climbing skills. 

“Why didn’t you just unhinge it?”

“What?”

“Unhinge it,” and he proceeded to effortlessly unhinge the barrier from the chain and swing it away from us, creating a space wide enough for me to fit through. I could see Joe laughing at me from the opposite wing but I was determined not to look at him.

“Oh,” was all I could say, the blood creeping into my face.

“Just go up these stairs onto the stage, up the steps and stand on the platform. I’ll have the guys lower you down,” he said as he put the barrier back together. Not wanting to embarrass myself further I just did was I was told, standing on the clearly marked X in the middle. The platform slowly started to lower and the last bit I saw was Kevin with a guitar strapped on, waving to me. 

“You fell over the barrier?” Denise asked as she helped me step out of the lift.

“Yeah. I didn’t know that it unhinged.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve all done it; it’s kind of a right of passage. Now, I bet you’re hungry and I took the liberty of getting you a pair of black flats, if that’s okay?” At that moment, I could have kissed her, but instead I opted for a hug even though I’m sure it wasn’t protocol to hug your boss on the first day. She gladly hugged me back and handed over the flats, which I promptly changed into. My feet instantly relaxed and even though I lost 2.5 inches, it was well worth it. Yep, Denise was going to be the hardest one to leave. We silently navigated the maze that was the back stage area until we made it to a door that read “Act Lounge” on it with the obligatory band logo taped to it. She opened the door and said, “This is when your pass is going to become essential. Otherwise, everyone will just think you’re another fan. Eventually, the crew will get to know you and you won’t have to wear it all the time, but for now, it’s best to just keep it on you at all times.”

“What’s for lunch?” I asked, noticing the faint sounds of violins tuning. I guess the sound check is underway. 

“We try to eat as healthy as possible while on the road to keep the crew’s energy up. If you haven’t noticed, the days are long and we can’t really stop to eat whenever. Of course, we always have snacks on hand in case Nick’s blood sugar dips, but that’s pretty rare nowadays…” she explained as she handed me a disposable plate.

“What happens if Nick’s blood sugar drops?” I slowly asked, already suspecting the answer. Denise looked at me, not with anger, but with a little bit of confusion mixed with amusement.

“You really had no idea what you were getting into, did you?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Refreshing, mostly. It’s nice to meet a girl who doesn’t know everything about my sons. I’m glad you’ll get to know them as Kevin, Joe, and Nick, and not as the Jonas Brothers. But, to answer your question, Nick is a diabetic and sometimes a glass of orange juice is all he really needs.”

“Wow. I had no idea. My dad has Type 2. All of the sudden there was a lot of sugar free Jell-o in my house and a chart of what food he could and couldn’t eat was on the fridge.” I said as I took a chicken leg, “But now, everything is really normal.”

“Yeah, it is really scary in the beginning. We didn’t know what was going on and how we were going to work again, but now everything is fine and Nick manages it all himself. Like you said, everything is really normal,” she finished with a smile. I loaded up my plate with more food since I figured that I probably wasn’t going to get to eat until just before or after the concert and took a seat on one of the couches. People filtered in and out of the lounge, grabbing a plate or some fruit on their way and I just happily observed them all. I could faintly hear the sound check progressing in the background, it starting and stopping every few minutes, levels being adjusted and everything sounding perfect before the legions of fans filled the arena. Frankie sat kiddy-corner from me, playing something on his DS.

“What’s up?” I asked between sips of water.

“Nothing,” he said, not even looking up. 

“What are you playing?” I persisted. 

“Mario,” he replied.

“Super Mario DS?” He quickly looked up at me.

“Yes,” he said slowly.

“How do you like playing as Yoshi? He can’t jump as far a Mario can in the original, but the flutter jump helps a lot, especially at the start.” He stared at me, obviously unsure about what to do about a girl who likes video games. After a few moments of awkward silence, I turned back to my almost empty plate and dropped the subject.

“What else do you play?” he asked.

“I like the Final Fantasies a lot. Mario Kart of course. I’m pretty decent at Super Smash Brothers.” He surveyed me for a moment and then went back to his game.

“When we get back home, we’ll have to play,” and that was it. I had earned Frankie’s approval, for whatever it’s worth. I sat there for as long as I could, itching to call Krissi. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I grabbed my purse, excused myself, and ventured backstage, careful that I had my pass on and that I was really alone. When I found a spot that was deserted and still had reception, I dialed her number and waited through the rings.

“Hello?” came a familiar voice from the other end.

“Hello, Krissi? It’s Amanda.”

“Amanda! How are you? How do you like your internship so far? Is everything okay?” she said with excitement in her voice. Oh man, I know she worked really hard to get me here and I didn’t want to think that I’m ungrateful, but I can’t stay.

“Yeah, I’m good. Everything’s okay here, I just needed to ask you a question.”

“Well, shoot.” I took a deep breath.

“Is there any way I could get switched?” Silence.

“Switched? What do you mean?”

“Like, switch internships. Or bands. Or something.”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“No, no, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that no one told me who I was going to be shadowing and…”

“And you don’t like the Jonas Brothers?” 

“Yeah.” She didn’t say anything. 

“Amanda, I had a feeling that this was going to happen. I know that the Jonas Brothers aren’t exactly the most hard hitting journalism…”

“So you understand why I would like to switch,” I said, interrupting her.

“But, I hope you understand how hard I had to work and how many strings I had to pull to get you this type of internship. So, no, there is no way I can switch you. You have the option of dropping out of the program, but that would jeopardize your graduation status, wouldn’t it?”

“There’s nothing you can do? I mean, you talked about how you know Def Leppard and how your daughter is friends with Matt Bellamy…”

“I may know them, and believe me, I tried to get you in, but a young girl touring with a band like that looks fishy and is an insurance risk. Know that I wouldn’t have put you there if I didn’t think you were going to get something out of this. When you start really working, you aren’t going to be able to pick and choose your subjects but you always have to find something interesting and worthwhile to report on. Think of this as a challenge. Find out what’s beneath the mouse ears.” I didn’t know what to say. She was right, of course, but I still didn’t want to stay.

“No way?”

“No. I’m sorry, Amanda. Have a good time and stay safe.” And she hung up. I couldn’t believe it. Have a good time and stay safe? Why she couldn’t get me with a good band was because it would have looked bad and the insurance? This was so fucking stupid I couldn’t even get my mind around it.

“God damn it.”

“You might want to watch where you say things like that,” Joe piped up as he strolled around the corner. During the conversation, I hadn’t noticed that there was silence from the stage.   
“How much did you hear?” I sighed. I felt like crap already, I didn’t need Joe to make it worse. 

“Enough. Why are you really here?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Why are you with us?”

“To write an article,” He wasn’t making any sense.

“Really,” he said deadpan, his disapproval of the entire day coming out in one word.

“Look, what I told you this morning was true. If you think that I somehow scammed my way into being a part of this whole circus, you’re wrong. It’s quite the opposite, in fact. I don’t want to be here. I was never told whom I was going to be with until I met you all. And even then, I’m so out of the whole teen scene that I had no clue who you guys are until we were at the radio station,” The anger built up the entire time I explained.

“You think we like being shadowed by a wannabe reporter?” Wannabe stung a little more that I wanted to admit, “You should be thankful that we’re even letting you become a part of this so called ‘circus.’ Most bands wouldn’t put up with this crap,” he responded, both our voices intense but low as to not attract any more attention to the situation.

“I knew it was a long shot when I asked for this, but Krissi has a lot of contacts and I was just hoping…”

“That you wouldn’t get stuck with us,” he finished. I fell silent. There was clearly no winning. I swallowed hard and steadied my voice.

“That I would be with a band that I had a little more in common with.” His eyes flashed with sadness and hurt. After all that he’s done to me today, that is what got to him?

“You don’t even know us,” he quietly started. After a moment, the sadness was replaced with his usual loathing, “So, did this Krissi figure something else out?”

“No. I’m here with you guys all summer whether either of us likes it or not. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to some of your fans and figure out why they like you. Oh, and don’t worry, if they ask, I’ll tell them that you are a perfect gentleman and that you crack me up. You are supposed to be the funny one, right?” and I turned to leave. He didn’t chase me. I didn’t know if he was going to run to his parents and tell them everything that just happened, get me fired from this, but right now I couldn’t care. I needed to get outside as fast as I could. I ran down the halls towards an exit sign and burst through the doors, scaring the crap out of the guy who was sitting casually beside them, finishing a cigarette.

“Oh dear lord please, can I buy one off of you?” I pleaded, the stress of Joe finally hitting my breaking point. 

“No need. Here, you look like you’ve had a long ass day already,” the stranger said as he handed me one. I immediately lit it and took a drag, the chemicals running through my body, taking away the shittiness of the day. I sighed at the release. I’m not a regular smoker, but when I get stressed, I need a light. “Hey, you’re the intern, aren’t you?”

“Yes, that would be me. I’m Mandy. Not the other Mandy, whoever she is.”

“Greg Garbowsky, or Garbo for short, the bassist,” and we shook hands.

“Well, Garbo the bassist who apparently also has a blog, thank you for the cigarette.”

“No need,” and he lit up another one for himself. I took it was a sign that he wanted to continue our conversation, “What brings you to join our bandwagon?”

“Academic need and the not your usual cookie cutter internship experience. Nick likened it to ‘Almost Famous’ this morning,” I said after I took another drag.

“With less sex and drugs and possibly more groupies,” he said. I could tell I was going to like Garbo.

“Exactly.”

“And what was so upsetting that it made you burst through those doors and beg for a cigarette?” He motioned to the set that I not moments before unleashed my wrath upon.

“Stress. Developed the habit in school. If things just get to be a little too much, I need a time out. I don’t smoke often, but when I do it’s for a good reason. What about you, minus the door smashing,”

“Sort of the same. A time out. The guys are awesome and everything, but sometimes I need to be reminded that I am indeed 21 and my own person. I’m not under contract. I don’t have to be a squeaky clean as they do.”

“How squeaky clean?”

“You won’t see it so much right now, but tonight you’ll hear about it. Joe will complain how hot it is up on stage but he can’t take his shirt off unless he wants a phone call tomorrow morning. Things like that, public appearances. But even you and me now, we have to be careful too. Do you have any idea how screwed we would be if a picture showed up on the Internet with us smoking? Even though we’re of age, I’m assuming,” I nodded in response, “we’re connected to them. Don’t get me wrong though, we still go out, live our lives, and have a good time. We just need to think a little more.” 

“So I can’t expect to witness you fall down drunk on stage any time soon?” I said with a smile.

“Nope, sorry. But, I will share a secret cigarette with you any time,” he returned. I took one last drag, dropped the bud and smashed it with my foot.

“Well, thanks again, Garbo, for some much needed conversation and cigarettes. But, now I have to go question the fangirls.”

“Have fun with that. Put your pass in your purse or something. If they see it, they will rip it off your neck. Crazy, but true. See ya on stage,” he said and I walked around the corner. I quickly stuffed my pass into my bag as I stepped into the fray. Radio Disney was already here, blasting what I assumed to be a Hannah Montana song and trying to get onlookers to play some game to win a poster of their beloved boys. 

I looked thoroughly out of place. The median age had to be somewhere around 14 and they all looked exactly the same: Chuck Taylors, skinny jeans in all colors of the rainbow, a home-made t-shirt with some random lyric written on it in puffy pain in the hopes that one of the boys would read it and fall in love with them, side-swept bangs and long, wavy hair. They traveled in packs but never really interacting with each other, just whoever was on the other end of their text. I felt very old. I pulled my mini notebook and pen from my purse and dove into the fray. I approached a pack that was leaning on the Michael Jordan statue.

“Hi, mind if I ask you some questions about the show tonight?” I asked, a little too intently. They all put down their phones and looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

“I guess so,” the bravest one answered. They all nodded in approval. I took a deep breath and a page from the ‘Diary of Incubus.’

“Who are you here to see tonight?” bracing myself for an onslaught of screams. 

“The Jonas Brothers!” they all said in unison, giggling after. 

“And who is your favorite member of the Jonas Brothers?” There were shouts of ‘Nick’ and ‘Joe’ right away, with one girl proudly yelling ‘Kevin’ after the noise had died down. 

“Why do you like the Jonas Brothers?” The collective answer was that they “like, oh my god, made the best music in like, the world” and that the lyrics really connect with what they are dealing with at the ripe old age of 15. I went on and asked a few more question about favorite songs (A Little Bit Longer and Burning Up won) until I could get them comfortable enough to ask what was really on my mind.

“Why do you like Joe?” I asked, refraining from adding that he’s a huge pompous asshole. 

“The way he sings, how he really cares about the fans, he’s super hilarious, and…”

“And?” I waited.

“Oh my God, he’s so hot!” And they all screamed like he could hear them. I would like to see this Joe that they all described, because the Joe I spent all day with is miles away from this guy. 

“Do any of them have girlfriends?” and the screaming stopped immediately. It became very tense amongst this group.

“No. Why?” the leader from before answered.

“I heard that Kevin has a girlfriend,” the Kevin fan quipped. 

“No he doesn’t. None of them do,” the leader shut down, “Why? Have you heard something?”

“No, I just don’t know anything about them…”

“Then you should know that I’m Mrs. Nick Jonas,” a girl in the back yelled. This proceeded to set all of them off, fighting over who was truly destined to be the next Mrs. Jonas. 

“Well, thanks again,” I said over all the yelling and walked away, taking a seat on some steps near the line to get in. 

These fans were fucking insane. And the poor parents that had no option but to live through this, to see their teen daughters devote their lives to three guys who do nothing more than play a few power chords and gyrate their hips. But, at least they play something, my mom had to suffer through the Backstreet Boys. They didn’t even play instruments. A stream of girls with big ‘MEET AND GREET’ stickers on them made their way out into the crowd, a lot of them looking completely dumbfounded and some crying, exclaiming how Nick touched their hand. I seriously considered telling them how I got to see Joe in his pyjamas, but I thought better of it for my safety. Not long after, the doors opened and the pushing began, everyone trying to be first to get the coveted front row spot, even through front row was still a good 10 feet from the stage. I took that as my cue to go back in. I walked back around from where Garbo and I smoked, except the door was locked. Awesome. I had no choice but to go through with the fangirls.

I took a deep breath, put on my pass, and went back to the crowd, casually stopping over by a side door that had security around it.

“Miss, this door is for VIP tickets only,” the huge security guard said. A few of the girls waiting in line looked over. I held up my pass for him to inspect. He turned it over and over, making all the hidden security holograms reflect in the light. I had no idea what I was going to do if I didn’t get in this way.

“Where did you get this?”

“I’m part of the crew…sort of. I’m with the band, anyway,” I said nervously. It did feel kind of cool to say ‘I’m with the band’. He still seemed skeptical. 

“Rob to VIP Gate” he called on his walkie-talkie.

“This is go for Rob,” came a voice over the speaker.

“We have a young woman here who claims to be with you guys.”

“Does she have a pass?”

“Uh, yes but I’m not sure…” there was movement on the other end.

“Is she wearing a blue top and a black skirt?” Kevin’s voice came.

“Uh, yes Mr. Jonas,” This made the girls in line really pay attention.

“Let her in. She’s with us,” and the security guard moved aside as the girls in line started to scream once again in hopes that Kevin would hear them. I walked through the carpeted lobby and nodded to more guards as the ushered me towards the arena. I turned down a hall and went through a set of curtains only to end up at what would have been the best seats in the house, were this a basketball game. For a concert, they weren’t bad, but not amazing. The floor was already full of girls and most of the stands were filling up too. Upbeat music pumped through the giant speakers as roadies put the finishing touches on lights. This would have been pretty fun if I actually wanted to see the show.

“Excuse me, but I think you’re standing in our seats,” a mom said as she tapped me on the shoulder.

“Oh, sorry,” I said, moving to the side to go back through the curtain.

“Mom, she has a pass,” a girl of about 10 pointed out. My hand instantly went to it. No way was she going to rip it off of me.

“How did you get one of those?” the mom asked.

“Uh..I um…” I stammered. I didn’t really want to say.

“Have you met them?” the girl asked excitedly.

“Yes?”

“Really? What are they like? Are they as nice in person as they seem? I’ve always wanted to meet them…”

“Mandy Achter, could you please meet your party at gate B-22” came over the loudspeaker. Thank God.

“Um, they are all very nice. Kevin’s really polite. Sorry, I have to go,” I said as I ducked through the curtain. I sprinted all the way to the gate, dodging crowds of teenage girls buying t-shirts and glow sticks and whatever else they sell at those booths. I came upon a guy, a little older than me, dressed as nicely as me standing underneath a sign for gate B-22.

“Are you Mandy?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, catching my breath.

“Credentials, please.”

“What?” I asked. I have a pass, why do I need to prove who I am?

“Credentials. Do you have ID? Even with that pass you could be anyone.” I nodded and fished my ID from my wallet, thankful I decided to bring my purse. He studied it and handed it back, satisfied that I was indeed Mandy Achter.

“Come with me. They’ve been looking all over for you.” He said as he led me to an elevator. He used a key to turn it on and the doors opened, letting us in. He punched a number on the keypad and we started to descend, “What’s your connection to the Jonas Brothers?” 

“I’m their intern. Yours?” 

“Nothing. I just work here. But spending eight summers in a row working at the United Center, you get promoted pretty quickly. I’m now act relations.”

“Cool. So you organize the meet and greets and stuff like that?”

“Yep, that’s me.” And the doors opened to the basement. I could hear the opening act playing above me. Who they were, I had no idea. He lead me a little further into the basement and it got darker and darker, the only thing lighting the way were people with head lamps. Finally, we hit a hallway that was fully lit, the same hallway that lead to the lounge.

“Thank goodness! What happened, Mandy?” Denise asked as she pulled me into a mom-hug. It was comforting to know that she worried, “Never mind, tell me later. You’re just in time for the prayer,” and she grabbed my hand and lead me into a large circle with every member of the band, the boys, and a few others that I didn’t recognize. Joe grabbed my other hand and held it tightly, as if to tell me that I wasn’t going anywhere. I looked over at him but he wouldn’t look at me. He had straightened his hair and combed it so that he had side swept bangs; giving him a more formal look that complimented his grey suit and yellow t-shirt. Once again, I found myself thinking that he would be cute if he were not so rude to me. Kevin and Nick had changed too, but theirs were much less dramatic. We bowed our heads.

“Heavenly Father, we thank you for this moment and all the moments we have had today and in our life, the good and the bad, for they have lead us here. We pray that tonight’s show goes well and for you to watch over each and every one of us and each person out there, that there may be some peace and joy in their lives tonight. Amen,” Kevin Sr. led. I joined everyone in the ‘Amen’ and let go of Joe’s hand, but he did not drop mine. 

“We brought two girls from the very top back up to the front on the left side, so make sure to wave to them. And the girl who found the ball that Nick hit into the 13th row gave it to a little girl in a wheelchair, so I have another one for you boys to give to her after the show. Now, remember we’re livin’ the dream!” he continued extremely enthusiastically, “Hands in!” and Joe dragged my hand in with his, like a football huddle. It was a tight fit with all of us, but somehow we all got in.

“1…2…3…Showtime!” we all chanted, caught up in the moment. I smiled at Joe and he smiled back.

“Have a good show,” I said. His smile widened momentarily and then he remembered whom he was talking to. His smile slipped.

“Thanks.” And he turned to the band, giving hi-fives and hugs all around. The opening act had finished and I could hear the audience chanting “Jonas! Jonas!” The band shuffled out to take their spots on stage.

“Good luck!” I called to them, and Garbo turned to give me a thumbs up. Rob gathered the rest of us and lead us back down the dark hall until we were right under the stage, where I got off the lift earlier.

This was it. This is what the entire day was for and what the rest of my summer was going to be. These moments, the anticipation just before they were lifted on stage. Denise and Kevin Sr. hugged and kissed each one, reminding them that they are still the same 3 little boys that they have always been. I felt odd, out of place, like I was intruding on some private family moment. The guys climbed onto the platform, Nick and Kevin with guitars in hand, strumming a silent chord, Joe fiddling with his microphone, and in that moment, they seemed more real than they did all day. Not some untouchable superstars that I ended up with, but real people living their very real life. If they screwed up, their world could come crashing down around them. I didn’t envy them.

“Mandy, do you want to come to the side and watch the show with me?” Denise gently asked, bringing me back to Earth. I smile and nodded, following her around the backstage area out to the side of the stage, close to where I fell. There was a sea of light sticks all around. The poor girls in the front looked absolutely exhausted and squished. Was this show really worth it?

The lights went out and the screams became deafening. The two ramps and the strings and keys were bathed in a blue light as they played a slow, almost mournful sequence. I could see Garbo, bass in hand, waiting for his moment. 

“I love this part so much. And these first three songs. Family, Hope, and Fun,” Denise said. I could barely hear her above all the screaming so I just nodded and went back to the show. The strings hit a high, tense note and a beat later the drums and the rest of the band kicked in to almost a battle march as flames followed the ramp up towards the back and surrounded the two drum kits. Fireballs shot up from the back and down the ramps again. The girls went crazy. I was just thankful I wasn’t in Garbo’s position. The entire band hit and held on a note, building for the inevitable unveiling. Right on beat, all three stood up at the same time, kicking into the opening song. The girls went ballistic. The ones I could see had tears streaming down their glittered cheeks and they could not stop jumping. 

The platform raised them level with the top tier and they turned, facing the crowd of devotees and stepping back against a railing. The rail started to lift up, bringing them high above the stage so everyone could see.

“I woke up on the roof with my brothers. There’s a whale in the pool with my mother. And my dad paints the house different colors…” Joe sang, “Where would we be if we couldn’t dream?” and they all stepped off the riser, taking their positions on stage: Nick to stage right closest to me and Denise, Joe in the middle, soaking up all the attention he could get, and Kevin on the left, already looking like he was having the time of his life. Everyone sang along to what I presumed was the chorus and got excited over a dance battle challenge against Hanson. I doubt these girls even knew who Hanson was. Joe led the minions in an arm sway that turned into a clap to the beat as Kevin ran down the catwalk and girls did their best to touch his ankles. 

“And I know, we get a little crazy. And I know we get a little loud. And I know we’re never gonna fake it. We are wild, we are free, we are more than it takes to call us freaks but that’s just the way we roll…” Denise sang behind me. Ahh, family. If this was a family song, then the next one had to be the hope song.

“We don’t have time left to regret…”

“Hold on,” Kevin and Nick harmonized.

“And it’ll take more than common sense…”

“Hold on.”

“So stop your wonderin’ take a stand…”

“Hold on.”

“There’s more to life than just to live,” Joe belted. He was all over the stage with seemingly limitless energy. I could only wonder where that was this morning. I’m guessing that this song was called “Hold On,” which makes sense given the hope theme to it. So far, I wasn’t entirely impressed. It was average pop fodder to me. I could only hope that the fun song would change that or else I was going to end up spending the summer with my iPod in my ears. The band played a repetitive opening to the next song as Joe walked out onto the catwalk.

“How’s everybody doing tonight?” he asked above the screaming,

“Welcome to the Burnin’ Up tour everybody!” That would explain all the fire at the beginning, 

“We are the Jonas Brothers,” No shit, Sherlock. 

“And I think it’s time that we get this party started!” and he ran back to the main stage. The girls went crazy. He started the song about going on a date and being hurt before in relationships and ended the first verse with a fitting yell. Already, this song was ridiculous but I had to admit that it was pretty catchy. Kevin pulled out a short interlude solo after the chorus that had a ton of B’s in it. Joe ran up and down, knowing exactly where to go and what to do to send these girls in a frenzy. Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself nodding my head and clapping in time with the music, unable to help myself.

“You gotta BB good to me, I’m gonna BB good to you. We’ll be happy as can be, just gotta BB good to me, baby!” they sang, making every girl believe that they too could be good and be happy with one of the Jonas Brothers. Joe led Kevin and Nick up the catwalk and they stopped at the end, just out of reach of the girls as the keyboard played a simple progression.

“Listen, girl, you gotta be good. You see, I don’t want to hurt you…” Joe said. I looked over to the girls by me, who were red in the face and still crying.

“SAY IT!” they screamed. I suppose this was something on the CD that every girl wanted to hear live.

“I wanna KISS YOU!” Joe yelled as Kevin launched into another solo. Joe proclaiming that he wanted to kiss someone was enough to send these girls over the edge and I couldn’t help myself from laughing. I made a mental note to get earplugs for the next show. They went for the chorus twice more and then Joe asked for help singing and the audience happily obliged. I found myself helping too, although I barely knew the words. Hey, it was a concert after all. Might as well make it fun. Joe let out one final scream as the song ended.

“Family, Hope, and Fun,” I said to Denise as she smiled.

“Yep. That’s what were about, and welcome aboard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	3. All Downhill From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re hiding something ‘cause it’s burning through your eyes / I try to get it out but all I hear from you are lies / And I can tell you’re going through the motions / I figured you were acting out your part / Once again, we’re playing off emotion / Which one of us will burn until the end? / Catalyst you insist to pull me down / You contradict the fact that you still want me around / And it’s all downhill from here / And it’s all downhill from here / Your good intentions slowly turn to bitterness / Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss / And I can tell you’re going through the motions / I figured you were acting out your part / Once again we’re playing off emotion / Which one of us will burn until the end / Catalyst you insist to pull me down / You contradict the fact that you still want me around / And it’s all downhill from here / And it’s all downhill from here / And I can’t believe you pulled it off again / Or notice till it all sets in / You’ll deny it ‘til you’re at your bitter end / And I can tell you’re going through the motions / I figured you were acting out your part / Once again, we’re playing off emotion / Which one of us will burn until the end  
> All Down Hill From Here – New Found Glory

I started to settle into my new temporary life after Chicago as we headed east, making a stop over in Indianapolis for a show. This time I stuck by them the entire time, not wanting to get lost like I did before. Besides, by the look of the girls at the Meet & Greet, they wouldn’t have any different answers to my questions. The only big difference between the Chicago show and Indy was the fact that I had dug out my casual clothes and had taken to wearing jeans and a t-shirt, or some variation of that outfit, everyday. 

Joe hasn’t been any better than the first day. Nick and Kevin were getting along with me fine, even starting to ask my opinion on some non-essential decisions, but Joe was having none of it. I don’t think he told anyone about my plan to leave, but he certainly hasn’t forgiven me either. Besides that, I couldn’t really figure out why he didn’t like me so much. Everyone said that it was just because I’m writing an article, but that didn’t seem to be the only thing about me that bothered him.

Denise and Kevin Sr. took the time to sit with me and explain the schedule for the next eight weeks and some basic rules of the road, as they called them. I was given my own room whenever we stayed at a hotel and I was not to trash it or order room service. I wasn’t allowed in the boys’ rooms after 11 pm or a show. I was expected to participate in family functions and to clean up after myself. I was not allowed to post pictures of the guys on facebook or any other site like that. I was allowed to tell my friends who I was working with for this time, but if a Non-Disclosure Agreement was presented to me at anytime for whatever reason, I was expected to sign it. To be honest, I kind of expected all of this. 

“And, nothing about their rings. They’ve talked about them enough. It’s tacky now,” Kevin added. Their purity rings hadn’t even crossed my mind.

“Now, is there anything you need or want from us?” Denise asked at the end of the meeting. I thought on this for a bit. This was my one chance to ask for some special treatment.

“Is there any way that we could schedule a day with each of the guys with me, individually? I know that we’re busy and all…”

“Why?” Kevin asked.

“I really wanted to get to know each of them as their own person and I thought it would be fun and beneficial to sort of hang out for a couple of hours, talk more like friends rather than an interview,” I tried. It was an odd concept, I know, but if nothing else I would get to do something fun.

“I think that’s a great idea, Mandy,” Denise said, “What kind of things do you have in mind?”

“Well, I though that since we’re coming into Cleveland next that I could possibly take Kevin to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? And probably batting cages or go-karts or something like that for Nick. I’m not sure what to do with Joe yet,” Truth be told, I wanted to put Joe off for as long as I could. 

“I think we could arrange that,” Kevin said smiling. I returned it.

“Like I said before, I’m so glad that you are getting to know us as individuals and as a family. So many reporters come in, do a 20-minute interview, and paint this picture of them as some created, flash in the pan kiddy band. We’ve worked hard to get to where we are today. We know the girls will grow up, but that doesn’t mean we’ll give up,” Denise spoke. I didn’t really know what to say so I just nodded. 

“Right, we get into Cleveland late tonight and don’t have anything until soundcheck. I can call the hall of fame and let them know that you’re coming at 9 am. Does that sound good?” Kevin asked, closing his ever present notebook.

“Sure, sounds great,” I said, relieved that Denise’s speech was over. They may work hard, but they are still a Disney band to me. 

“Is this schedule okay for you? I mean, we’re all pretty used to it…” she said.

“No, it’s fine. I expected late nights and early mornings. It’s not too different from school,” I laughed. 

“That’s good. Do you have all your things? We need to leave soon in order to make the flight.”

“Yeah, I think so. Out of curiosity, what exactly is our schedule for the next eight weeks?” I asked. I had been dying to know where this crazy tour would bring me.

“Do you want a print off of the calendar?” Kevin said.

“Nooo, nothing so official. I really just kind of want to know where we’ll be going.”

“Well, we’re in Cincinnati right now, going to Cleveland, then Pittsburg, Philadelphia, New York, London, Paris, Cannes for break, then back to LA for the remainder of your time. You do have a passport, right?” I was floored. I couldn’t really care about any of those places except one: London. We were going to London at some point. I was going to be back in London. BEST. INTERNSHIP. EVER.

“Uh, yes, I do have my passport.” I said, steadying my voice. 

“Awesome. Now, if there isn’t anything else, we have a plane to catch,” Denise finalized. I gathered the last of my things with everyone else and went through the now usual motions of air travel. It never ceased to amaze me that there was a need to fly from city to city, despite the fact that most of the stops were only a 4-hour drive from each other. Not that I was complaining, I hated road trips and got motion sick on busses. But still, we had our own private chartered jet. Ridiculous. We got through security and were shuffled into the vip lounge while we waited for the plane to be ready. Joe, Kevin, Nick and I gathered at a grouping of chairs. Kevin was on his phone, sending out the last few texts he could before he needed to turn it off. Joe had his head on the table. Nick checked his blood sugar. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. 

London. I didn’t know for how long or why we were going there, but I didn’t care. I was going to be back in my city, in my country. I love the UK more than pretty much anything else in the world. I had already been there 3 other times, but it didn’t matter. Ask anyone who knew me; it was my goal in life to move there. As much as those screaming girls out in the audience every night loved the three tired boys who sat around me, I loved the UK. 

Joe’s ringtone pierced the relative silence and I lifted my head, slightly curious as to whom was calling him this late. He fished the device from his pocket, looked at the screen, hesitated for a moment, and then answered the call.

“Hey, Tiff…” he slowly let out. Nick and Kevin made the same face, both rolling their eyes. I felt like I was being excluded from some brotherly secret. 

“Who’s Tiff?” I looked from Kevin to Nick, prompting an answer. Joe stood from the table and walked away from us, obviously wanting a little privacy. 

“Tiff is a girl that Joe met just before we left for tour,” Kevin answered. I was still confused. 

“Okay, so why do you two obviously not like her?”

“It’s not that we don’t like her, it’s just that…” Kevin started.

“They went on, like two dates. The girl is psychotic,” Nick finished. 

“She’s clingy,” Kevin continued, “Her and Joe dated a little bit and now she thinks she’s Joe’s girlfriend.”

“But you guys don’t have girlfriends,” I said. The air got a bit tense. I think I stumbled into forbidden territory.

“Off the Record?” Kevin said. I nodded in reply, wanting to know more about this complicated life even if it meant that I couldn’t use it for my article, “I have a girlfriend.”

“But you totally said at the radio station in Chicago that you didn’t,” I said, feeling a bit scandalous. 

“I know. We have to say that.”

“You have to say that you’re single?”

“Well, we don’t have to, but we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of publicly announcing it. The press will try to find out who, invading her privacy and the fans will send hate mail, rip into her online, et cetera. It’s really just easier to say that we don’t and leave it as a private matter.”

“Does that mean that you and Miley really are…”

“No, Miley and I are not together, despite that the internet says,” Nick interrupted. 

“Okay, so why does two dates make Tiff think she’s Joe’s girlfriend?” I asked, trying to put all the pieces in place.

“Because she was around enough to find out about me and Danielle, and so she now thanks that Joe is doing the same, ‘hiding’ her from the press,” Kevin said.

“So why doesn’t Joe just break it off?”

“He did, but apparently the message didn’t get through since she still calls every couple of days. Joe’s not very good with break ups,” Nick explained. 

“And he never calls her but she probably thinks that he’s just too busy or something…”

“Exactly,” Nick chimed.

“How did they meet?” they both looked at each other, daring each other to respond.

“This is going to sound worse than it is, but she was in one of our videos,” Kevin finally responded.

“Whoa, whoa, wait. She’s a video girl? Isn’t that one…”

“Yes, it’s one of our songs. No, we didn’t write it about her. She’s the blonde girl that Joe saves in the ‘Burning Up’ video, that I think comes out next week.”

“So, Tiff was in one of your videos and because her and Joe shared the grueling experience of being in front of a camera for days on end and then they went out on two dates, she thinks they are soul mates for life. And let me guess, she probably calls him Joey.”

“Pretty much…” Nick said.

“Joe, get off the phone. C’mon guys, we’re boarding,” Kevin Sr. called. We all stood and shuffled into line, handing our ticket to the attendant and walking out to the plane. Kevin and I sat together, as did Nick and Joe, Frankie and Big Rob, and Kevin Sr. and Denise. We had the usual briefing of emergency procedures and before too long, the plane was in the air for our whole 40 minute flight.

“So, what about you? Do you have a boyfriend?” Kevin asked. Oh, I see how this is going to go down. If I wanted to know personal information about them, I was going to have to let them in on my world too. 

“No,” was all I could say. This always lead to more questions and I preferred to not say more than I had to.

“No…why?”

“No…because I just don’t.” Nick popped over the seat.

“Well, why not? You’ve had boyfriends before, right?” Nick added. Oh, here we go.

“No, not really”

“Any particular reason why?”

“I’m not a lesbian, if that’s what you’re dancing around. I just…I don’t know. I’m busy”

“So are we.” Nick said, obviously not buying it.

“I mean, in high school, I was in choirs, musicals, so many clubs that I needed two lines in the yearbook index to show how many pages I was on plus I worked. In college I did newspaper, worked part time, became the supervisor, plus double majored and graduated early. I just never really had time for a boyfriend. I hung out with friends and dated a few guys, but nothing really stuck,” I finished. I was so sick of giving this lecture to every person I met.

“Wow, you were busy,” Nick finished.

“But what about now? You’re out of school, not really many other excuses…” Kevin said.

“Really? Who am I going to date here?” I said. One has a girlfriend, one is too young for me, and the other one hates me with the fire of a thousand suns. Slim pickings, that’s for sure.

“Good point.”

“But after?” Nick said, rejoining the conversation that was getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

“I don’t know. I just felt like the smart thing to do was to go to school, get a career and get my life together and then someone would come into the picture.”

“What if things didn’t happen like that?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you would have found the love of your life in college? What then?”

“If he truly was the love of my life, he would work with me to figure out our future. All I know is that I’m not going to put my life on hold or change my dreams for his,” And that was it. I wasn’t going to continue this conversation and they could tell. Nick sank back down into his seat and Kevin flipped through the SkyMall absentmindedly. I sat back in the seat and tried to relax.

“What do you want to do?” Kevin sheepishly asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Write for a magazine. I would really love to write for Q or Blender or Rolling Stone, but right now I’ll take almost anything,” I answered. 

“Shoot! Rolling Stone. I completely forgot,” Kevin said as he dove for his carry on bag. He quickly unzipped it and pulled out seven pages of photos and threw two pages to each of his brothers, “Here. Look through these proofs fast. We have to get them back by tomorrow morning.”

“Proofs for what?” I asked, curious as to why I reminded him of photos.

“We’re going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone,” he said with a bit of a smile. 

“Wow, really? That’s awesome,” I lied as he started to mark the photos. Of course I wanted them to get everything that they have worked for, but this meant that there was no way my article would be picked up by the magazine. I never thought a band like them would be in demand for popular and well-respected music magazines. 

“Here, take a look and mark any that look good,” he said as he handed me a sheet and a pen. I put down my tray table and leaned over the proofs, carefully examining the images. It was weird, looking at these 2D renderings of the guys sitting around me. To most girls, these photos were going to be the closest they would ever get to them. Nick looked handsome beyond his years in black skinny jeans, a dress shirt and a skinny black tie matched perfectly with his leather boots. Kevin definitely had the cool older brother look with his black leather jacket and camel colored boots. But Joe, Joe looked incredible. He looked like that guy that would be at all the right college parties, be cool to everyone, and get the girl without even trying. His hair was perfectly styled to the side. He wore a white v-neck t-shirt just tight enough to hint at where he had been working out and when pulled gave just enough of a glimpse of his chest. Paired with casual jeans and red Chuck Taylors and I believe that I have found the perfect Joe. Gorgeous and silent. I immediately circled a picture of the three of them, Nick and Kevin leaning over Joe, who was holding onto Nick’s tie while Kevin pulled on Joe’s shirt. It was hot. It would sell.

“That, right there, is your cover shot,” I said to no one in particular. Kevin leaned over and studied the picture.

“Really? I kind of didn’t like that one. I’m not looking at the camera.” Nick popped over the seat again.

“Neither am I. And why is Joe holding my tie?”

“Believe me. Keep it in and I guarantee that this will be the cover.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Kevin said and Nick sat back down. The rest of the flight went on without incident and by the time we landed all the pictures had been reviewed, signed for, and were in the envelope to be rushed back. An SUV picked us up from the airport and took us to the hotel for the night where our bags were waiting for us. I gathered my key from Big Rob and settled into my modest room. I opened my suitcase and took out a pair of shorts and the bottle of wine I packed back in Chicago for night like this, when I wanted to relax with a glass. I stripped down to my spaghetti strap top and changed into the shorts. I found a glass from on top of the mini bar that I really wished I could touch and used the corkscrew I packed and poured myself a glass. I grabbed my computer and headed out to my balcony, looking out over all of Cleveland. I sat on the cool concrete and opened my computer, deciding what to write for the day. I absentmindedly twisted my hair up with a pen as I thought. It was starting to get boring writing about concerts and such. Everyday was exactly the same but a different place. I was looking forward to hanging out with Kevin tomorrow simply because it would be something different. I couldn’t write about the whole girlfriend conversation because all of this went on my blog, which was technically “on record” in the eyes of publishing. I took a sip of the wine.

“Aren’t you cold?” Joe’s voice called over. I snapped out of my reverie. He was standing on his balcony wearing pajama pants and a blue wife beater, shoulders tense, arms leaning on the railing. He looked out over the lights.

“No, not really,” I casually replied and left it at that. He turned over his right shoulder and looked over.

“How much do you know about Tiff?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything…”

“That’s not what I asked. How much do you know now?” He studied me. I didn’t really know how to answer and his unfaltering gaze made me uncomfortable. I nervously pulled the pen out of my hair and let it fall around my shoulders and down my back. Joe swallowed hard, unconsciously, I’m sure. If he knew he was having an animalistic reaction to me, I’m sure he would throw himself off his balcony, “Look, she’s not my girlfriend. I mean, she wants to be and yes, we went on a few dates, but nothing more. I don’t have feelings for her.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked after I took another long sip of my wine. 

“I just figure that when it comes to me, you should find out from me.”

“Smart. I can’t get anything wrong then, right?”

“Right,” and we sat there. I didn’t know what to say and he looked like he had more. This was the longest we had gone all tour without throwing an insult at each other. I guess this was a good a time as ever to extend an olive branch.

“Look, Joe. I don’t want to fight…”

“Good night,” and he went inside before I could finish. Bastard. I finished the rest of my wine in one swallow and closed my computer. This was pointless. There was nothing I could write about anyway.

“For the record, I don’t really mind you being here anymore. I’m still not totally used to you, and I don’t get you, but I don’t mind so much anymore,” he said as he poked his head through the door. With that, he closed and locked his sliding door. What the fuck. He doesn’t get me? What’s not to get? I’m pretty fucking normal, thank you very much. Frustrated, I went to bed.

***********************

“Mandy, honey, it’s 7:30. Time to wake up,” Denise’s soothing voice washed over me. I rolled over and yawned, not quite ready to wake up, “Are you going to be like Joe?”

“Hmm? No, no I just need a minute,” I mumbled as I buried my head again.

“Okay, well, breakfast will be at 8 in our room if you would like to join us.” And she closed my door behind her. I tried to fall back asleep but it was useless. I dragged myself into the shower and prepared myself for the day ahead. I dressed in simple skinny jeans and my favorite Muse shirt, brushed my hair perfectly straight as always, and slapped on a bit of cover up for those few zits that wouldn’t let me outgrow them. I gathered up my necessities for the day and exited my room as the breakfast carts arrived at Denise’s door, right on cue. I followed them in to find Kevin and Nick had beaten me here. 

“Morning,” I said to both of them and they chorused back. 

“So, I hear that you and I have a date today,” Kevin said as he loaded his plate with scrambled eggs.

“I wouldn’t call it a date, but sure,” I said. Nick suppressed a smile. I made myself a plate with some toast and oatmeal and sat at the table. I’m not really one for breakfast food. In fact, I pretty much hated everything about this time of day, although I was able to fake being chipper this early fairly well. 

“What are we going to do today?” Kevin asked. I looked over at Kevin Sr. who was messing with the endless notebooks again.

“You really haven’t told him?”

“No. It was your idea, so we thought it best that you tell him.”

“Oh, in that case, I don’t know if I want to tell you. Leave it a surprise.”

“Tell him what?” Joe asked as he unceremoniously stumbled in, still in the wife beater and pajamas from last night, hair sticking out at all angles and little bits curling naturally. I shoved a spoonful of oatmeal in my mouth to keep from laughing. He poured himself some juice and joined us.

“Where she’s bringing Kevin for their day out,” Nick answered for me. I nodded in appreciation. 

“Please tell me. What if I need to bring something?” Kevin pleaded a little pathetically. I swallowed the oatmeal.

“You won’t need to bring anything, but whatever. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.” The reaction was instant. I might as well have told him we were going to Santa’s workshop. The biggest smile spread across his face, Joe looking slightly impressed, Nick looking like I had killed a puppy. 

“What? Not fair! I want to go!” Nick shouted. For a moment there I got to see the 15 year old boy that lived under the cool, mature exterior. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll do something fun to when it’s your day,” I comforted. 

“But, still. It’s the Hall of Fame…” he whined.

“Sorry little brother. The lady picked me first.” Nick looked positively put out. 

“Well, when’s my day?” he asked. I looked over at Kevin Sr.

“We have a bit of free time at home in New Jersey before the New York show,” he answered.

“Then. At home.”

“What are we going to do?” Nick asked, a little put out.

“I can’t tell you that, not yet at least…” I said, trying to sound mysterious.

“What about my day?” Joe unexpectedly asked. I didn’t think Joe would care either way if he had a day or not. Again, I referred to dad.

“All day in London before the EMA’s.”

“Great, what’s there to do in London?” Joe complained. I nearly dropped my toast.

“Excuse me? What’s there to do in London? Oh, I’ll show what there’s to do in London. There is plenty to do in London, you just need to be with the right person,” I said, a bit annoyed. He was not going to hate on my favorite place in the world.

“And you’re the right person?” he asked with an edge to his voice. 

“I know London, if that’s what you’re asking,” I spat back. 

“Oh, now all my worries are eased,” he sarcastically threw back. I was just about to retort when Kevin interrupted.

“I think we won’t know until we get there, but in the mean time, Mandy, we should get going.” I took a deep breath to settle myself before standing and making my good-byes. Kevin led me out of the hotel and into a hired car. I fished around my bag to find my phone.

“Where’s your tape recorder?” he asked.

“What tape recorder?” I answered as I put my phone on silent and dropped it back into my bag.

“This is an interview, right?”

“Well, yeah, but…” 

“Most of the interviewers have tape recorders.”

“Oh, yeah, that. I don’t really like tape recorders.”

“Really?” he asked, unconvinced.

“Yeah. First, I have a photographic memory. Seriously, I have a crazy good memory. And, these days are meant to be more fun than anything. I’d like to get to know you as you, not just as some guy on the page.”

“But what if something happens that you want to use?”

“Great. If I don’t remember it, then it must not have been very important. Trust me, Kevin, I’ll remember the good stuff.” And he left it at that. The car pulled up to the entrance courtyard and we stepped out, facing an enormous glass pyramid.

“What made you think about bringing me here?” He asked as we made our way across the courtyard.

“I don’t know. You like guitars, I figured that coming here couldn’t do too much damage.”

“This would have been a good choice for Nick too,” he admitted. I blushed a bit. Yes, I knew Nick would go head over heels for this place, but the whole point of these outings was to have a conversation and I had a feeling that Nick would like it too much, drooling over all the memorabilia and letting me know every little fact. 

“Have you ever been here?” I casually asked, trying to get the ball rolling.

“Nope. Never have time. It’s going to be a little funny having some time off in a couple of weeks.”

“What are you looking forward to the most?” He considered the question as he studied a Les Paul in a case.

“This, this is the guitar I want.”

“A Les Paul? I could have sworn you already had, like, three.”

“Not just a Les Paul. A vintage 1976 Les Paul with mocha white finish and gold hardware. Beautiful instrument. And New York, to answer your question.”

“Why New York?” I asked as we moved on from the dream guitar.

“We’re not going to be there for very long, like two days, if even that. But when we’re in New York, we get to go home to New Jersey and stay in that house. And we’re playing a secret show, which is always fun, and Danielle is coming to it, so I get to spend a little time with her. That last part is off the record, by the way.” He explained. 

“As long as we’re off the record, how does she deal with all the…” I didn’t really know how to say it without possibly offending him, which would be a bad way to conduct this interview.

“…Restrictions? The extra stuff that quote unquote normal relationships don’t have? We deal with it as it comes. Usually it’s not too bad; the fans generally leave her alone, the ones that have figured it out anyway. She’s really good about keeping our private life private. She got rid of her Facebook and things like that all on her own; I never asked her. The hardest part of it all, honestly, is the distance. But that’s why I’m always on my phone or texting whenever I can. We keep it together that way,” he finished. It sobered me up. Since I was 15, I wanted nothing more than to be Brandon Boyd’s girlfriend (despite the 11 year age difference) and I knew in the back of my head that the distance would be hard, but I would do it for him. But to hear someone in that position talk about how hard it is on him, that was interesting to me. Too bad I couldn’t write about it. 

“Wow. She sounds like an amazing girl,” I softly replied. He threw a sideways glance at me and gave me a crooked smile.

“She is. And I can’t wait for you two to meet. I think you’ll really like her.”

“But, why tell me all this? I mean, why am I privileged to this information?”

“Because, Mandy, I would consider you to be my friend.” Now it was my turn to throw a crooked smile his way. I had to admit, it flattered me deeply that Kevin, at least, saw me as his friend first and not just some intern. We breezed through more exhibits, studying the history of the recording industry and the impact that Motown had on popular music, peppering it with some light conversation. I learned that one of the best things about filming Camp Rock was that he was done with school and didn’t have to go to tutoring like all the other kids, that it takes him pretty much no time at all to do his hair and forever to pick out shoes, among other trivia facts. Before I could even fish my phone out of my bag again to check the time, we were sitting down for a lunch, which his dad had arranged when he called to reserve tickets. Chicken Parmesan with a side salad and some fruit for dessert. Always the healthy food. 

“Mind if I ask you some questions now?” he asked as he cut up his meal. I quickly swallowed the sips of water I was drinking.

“No, not at all, although I’m probably pretty boring.”

“What was college like?” he asked all at once. I smirked to myself.

“Whoa, that’s a loaded question. Okay, what part?”

“Well, all of it. I graduated high school and went straight into rehearsals and recording studios. I didn’t even really get a chance to visit a school.”

“It’s…different. Some ways good, some ways bad. My first year seemed like high school but under a microscope. Your floor can become like a family, especially if everyone is a freshman. You don’t want to be left out so you go along with whatever until you finally meet others who you like being with more. I was able to do that pretty quickly and got a lot of crap for it. After that, though, I mean, I worked, double majored, studied abroad in Wales, did a lot of extra stuff that time just flew by. Don’t get me wrong though, I had fun. A lot of fun this past year. Still kept all my grades up and graduated fine, but as hard as I worked was as hard as I played.”

“Was it hard, studying abroad?”

“Parts of it, although I’m sure it’s the same types of things you go through whenever you leave for tour. Getting to leaving was hard, very hard. Coming back was even harder, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. In between, actually being there, was easy. There were bumps in the road, of course, but once I got there, I loved it.”

“What do you mean, getting to leaving? And why was it so hard coming back?”

“At my school, you had to apply the semester before you wanted to go, so I turned in my application in September, found out officially in November, and didn’t leave until January. I had all that time to be with friends and really appreciate what I would be missing. I swear, not a week went by that I didn’t have a day where I wanted to withdraw my application. And as it got closer to leaving, the more I would have breakdowns and cry about how I didn’t want to leave.”

“The first tour was a bit like that. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to go, but I knew what I was missing at home and there were times when I wanted to give it all up just to go to that one party,” he empathized. It was really kind of amazing to me how going on tour could be so similar to my own experience.

“But coming home was worse. I had spent six months in the most amazing country, made incredible friends, had experiences that I will remember forever, but kicked-ass in my classes, and then I had to come back to almost nothing. I was happy to see my family again, but I had a lot of trouble with my friends, especially the ones at school. They had all been together and had the same memories and took the same classes and everything, and I tried to be who I was before I left, but I couldn’t. Every time my friends and I did something, it would remind me of something I did abroad. I couldn’t even listen to the same music as I had before because it was tied to different memories. And I’m not going to lie, I lost friends because of it. I couldn’t connect anymore. I came back a different person, but there was no way I could do something like that and not be someone else.” Kevin looked down at his lap, a small smile coming across his face.

“See, you get it. You get it. You can’t go through something like that and not be changed, even a little bit. And it’s so hard if you haven’t had that sort of experience to get it. Every one of our friends expected us to come back and be the same, and although we try and in our hearts we are the same, little things are different. Memories are different. Free time is spent on work. And as much as you do want to be the person they want you to be, you can’t. You can’t go back.”

“And so what do you do? You cling to those who went through it with you. Who understand. I can’t tell you how many times I called my friends Angela and Jess when we all got home.” I needed a drink of water. I didn’t really expect to talk this much.

“See, that worries me a little bit with Nick.” I stopped mid swallow. I feel like I stumbled into dangerous territory again.

“What about Nick?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“Me and Joe are kind of able to work through that with our friends, but Nick? He’s practically growing up surrounded by the others.”

“The others?” I repeated slowly. 

“That sounded a lot more creepy than I intended it to. The other Disney kids. Miley, Selena, Demi. Not that I don’t love those girls, but all of them are the same age and they all have very demanding careers. We all know what it’s like to be each other. On the one hand, it’s nice to be around people who get the crazy schedules and get the experiences and don’t get mad if you can’t come to their party because you are going to be in a completely different part of the world, but on the other hand, it’s beneficial to have friends who are normal, who do get upset because they want to see you, who still see you as the kid from math class. That stuff keeps you grounded, and Nick is missing it.”

“Do you think some time off might help?”

“It might, but then again, we’re going to be in LA with our time off, so expect to be seeing a lot of Demi and Selena around our house. And they really are great girls, but it’s not like I’ll be inviting over anyone that I haven’t known for more than a year.” I was a bit confused. I know Kevin means well, but there are some friends that just need to be let go if they can’t accept the quote unquote new version of oneself.

“How do you know where the line is though?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for example, I spent an amazing summer pretty much following a band around and meeting people from all over the world and having a blast only to go back to school and have my best friend tell me that she didn’t feel like she mattered anymore to me because I had made all these new friends.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. And it devastated me because I was coming back with all these adventures to share with her and she wanted none of it, and then telling me that she felt replaced? How was I to choose between her and these other people that I had become close with?”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Exactly. I shouldn’t have to. Friends should support one another, but she couldn’t because it meant sharing me. So when I told her I was going to study abroad, she said ‘What am I going to do without you?’. Not ‘That’s really exciting’ or awesome or anything like that. What is she going to do without me. I knew right then and there our friendship was not going to survive.”

“That really sucks, Mandy. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. She chose her path and I chose mine. I don’t regret it. And my new friends, the ones I met at the concerts? Flooded into London for a week to celebrate my birthday. All of them. And after all of that, here I am, talking with you. And I’m sure this experience will spawn it’s own circle of friends, but I know that no one will hold it against me if I hear ‘That’s Just the Way We Roll’ somewhere and I need to step out to call one of you,” I finished with a smile. The silence settled between us comfortably. There was a new understanding between us, I could tell. I munched on a few strawberries to pass the time as he finished his plate. We finished up lunch and made our way back through the museum, stopping every once in awhile to study a bit of history.

“What band did you follow around for a summer?” he asked with a bit of curiosity in his voice. 

“Oh, um, Muse. You’ve probably never heard of them…”

“Yeah, I have. I haven’t heard them, but I’ve heard of them. Are they any good? I mean, obviously they are if you followed them.”   
“Followed might be a little overreaching. But I did see them four times that summer. Twice in London, Chicago at Lollapalooza, and two days later, front row at Madison Square Garden.”

“Jeeze, You went to London for them?”

“Yeah. Well, it was their biggest show to date, at Wembley Stadium. The huge soccer field where Queen used to play. They rebuilt it and Muse was one of the first bands to play there. 75,000 people each night for two nights. It was madness.”

“No way. That had to be incredible.”

“Oh, it was. And that’s where I met my friends, all the international ones that my other friend didn’t like. We all met through Muse.”

“When we get back, you’re going to have to throw some of their music to me. I feel like I should at least listen to a band that commands two nights at Wembley Stadium,” he said with a smile as he casually checked his watch, “Speaking of getting back, we really do need to get going. Sound check and Meet & Greet are going to start soon.” I nodded in understanding, a little saddened that my time with Kevin had to end so fast. I knew I wasn’t going to get totally full days with the guys, but I had been enjoying this time so much. Underneath all of the clothes and curls, there was a real person who really cared about my life. It was nice.

He made a quick call and the car met us in front of the entrance, in the same courtyard we were dropped off at. I couldn’t help but think about how I didn’t really get anything for my article. Don’t get me wrong, I love that have this insight and had a great conversation with him, but I couldn’t use any of it. This whole “no writing about the girlfriend” was a little bit frustrating. I could only hope I would get more on my next outing with Nick.

The car pulled around the venue and dropped us off in back. Kevin ran inside almost instantly, stopping briefly to give me a quick hug and tell me how much he enjoyed his day. I could only smile to hide my thoughts. I hung back and listened to the girls gathered on the other side. I debated with myself, not knowing if I really wanted to brave it again. On the one hand, it could give me more to write about. But on the other, I just didn’t have the energy to deal with fangirls today. 

“There you are!” Garbo’s voice called from the interior. 

“Oh, hey,” I said as he approached me. I felt like I needed to digest my thoughts more than talk with someone, but it didn’t seem like I had a choice this time.

“Whoa, hey, what’s up? Everything go okay with Kevin?” he asked, obviously concerned.

“Yeah, I mean, it all went fine. Better than fine, great. I had fun, he had fun.”

“Then what’s the problem?” he asked as he pulled out two cigarettes and offered one to me. I obliged, although I wasn’t really stressed. This was social smoking, and this was dangerous territory for me to be tiptoeing through.

“I can’t use any of it. We talked like friends, which is great and awesome, but with that ‘friends’ title comes confidentiality. I don’t mind it, it’s better than not having any friends on this ride, but it shifts the line of what I can write about and what I can’t closer to me.” He took a few puffs as he studied me. 

“So, you’re upset that Kevin is now your friend?”

“No, not exactly. I’m upset that so far I don’t have anything to write about besides fan girls.”

“Okay, then, can I give you some advice?” he asked, the tiniest bit of cynicism in his voice. I knew he didn’t really get my concerns, but he wanted to smoke and talk, and I wanted to digest, so this was his fault. I nodded, “Don’t worry about it. Seriously. I know this is your last big thing for school and all, but don’t freak out so much. You’ve been here for what, a week and a half? Did you really expect to have five pages by now? Calm down, chill out and loosen up, and I’m sure something will happen that will give you plenty to write about.” I sighed and took a drag. I knew he was right. I can’t make them talk to me about stuff I can use unless I sit down and do formal interviews, which would be awkward at this point. 

“And, if I may, I think that’s why Joe is so edgy around you.”

“What do you mean?” 

“How do I say this without it coming off as rude…”

“Just say it,” I didn’t want to beat around the bush. 

“You’re uptight. I know that this is a professional experience for you, but we’re a family and we have fun. Open up a bit, join in on our conversations, hang out with us. I’m sure if you show Joe that you are a normal person and not Wonder Woman, he’ll ease up. Come out of Reporter Mode every once in a while.” This was not what I needed to hear right now. I’m fun. I’m normal. I talked to the guys last night and opened up about my past non-relationships.

Yeah, but how defensive did you get when they asked simple questions? The voice in my head asked. Okay, fine. I could unwind a little bit. 

“There’s talk about some of us going out when we hit Philly. Not sure where yet, but I know Ryan wants to hit a club pretty badly. You should think about it.”

“Is that allowed?”

“Yeah, but we have to do it in a certain way. Kevin and Joe usually go with and we call ahead and get a private booth or something. I don’t know all the details, Kevin and Ryan will figure it all out, but I’ll let you know when I know,” and he dropped his bud on the ground. I finished mine and did the same, crushing it with my shoe. 

“Feel better?”

“Yeah, a bit. Thanks.”

“What will get you to 100%?” I stared at the ground, a little embarrassed.

“A good hug. Denise hugs me, but other than that, I haven’t been hugged since I left home.” He spread open his arms and smiled, and I could only return the gesture. We wrapped our arms around each other, pulling the other into a tight embrace. He hugged me with his whole body, a close, caring hug. I buried my head into his chest, enjoying the feeling of warmth over my entire body. I don’t know how long it lasted, but it was a great hug. 

“Better?”

“Yes, thank you. That was sorely needed.”

“Good. Well, I better get in, see if this band needs a bassist for tonight,” he said sarcastically. I let a sincere smile spread across my lips and he returned it, turning from me and making his way to the stage. What Garbo said did make a little sense, even if I didn’t want it to. I had been told before that I was too uptight, too focused on work that I couldn’t relax and let someone in; let someone see me less than perfect. It was all very depressing to me. I had always done fine like this, but being this version of myself was not going to work with this group. I needed to let go of the reigns and just let this caravan take me wherever it wanted to. The thought of not having control scared the shit out of me. Sighing, I dug through my purse and fished out a piece of gum to cover up the cigarette smell and made my way in too. 

Almost immediately after I stepped over the threshold, two arms grabbed mine, dragging me over and slamming me into a wall. I screamed in shock.

“Shut up.” My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I could faintly make out the features of Joe. He was not the person I wanted to see at this moment. In fact, I just wanted to be alone. Was that too much to ask with these people? Apparently so.

“What the hell, Joe. If you need to talk to me, a simple ‘Hi, we need to talk’ would suffice,” I said as I rubbed the part of my head that made contact with the wall. 

“What the fuck are you doing with Garbo?” I froze. Did he see us smoking? Not that it mattered, we both were legal to smoke, and he couldn’t do anything about it. But still, I didn’t really love the thought of Joe knowing I smoked. Just one more thing for him to hold against me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was too mentally exhausted to deal with his crap. He was rapidly approaching my breaking point.

“Playing it all innocent on the plane. I should have known. I saw you two out back.” The hug? This was about the hug? I couldn’t even fucking hug a guy? This was all too much.

“Joe, I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said with an unsteady voice. Between my own thoughts and now this, I was about to break.

“There should have been some sort of clause in your agreement. If you get with any member of the band it would mean immediate termination. I don’t know why I even keep protecting you, between your little plot to go home and now this. You think you matter to this organization but you don’t. We don’t need you here. We don’t want you here, so watch what moves you make, because after this, it might be your last.” My whole body started shaking. Every word he spat out seemed like a poison being injected into me, dowsing me in coldness. They don’t want me here. After Kevin just said that I was his friend, they don’t want me here.

“Garbo and I aren’t together,” I said quietly. I couldn’t really muster out anymore than that. I felt nauseous, like I was going to be sick. I blinked back a few tears. I was not going to cry in front of Joe.

“I find that very hard to believe,” and he turned and left. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding and slid down to the floor, knees against my chest. The tears started flowing. They didn’t want me here. I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t totally true, but it hurt nonetheless. And with not having anything to write about, the cards looked like there was no real reason for me to be here anymore. I was tired. I was lonely. I had failed. This wasn’t fun anymore. 

I found my phone from my purse and dialed the number so fast that I wasn’t sure if I dialed it correctly. I composed myself through the rings and finally the other end connected.

“Hello?”

“Hello? Krissi? I need to come home. Now.”


	4. I Don't Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say my name and his in the same breath / I dare you to say they taste the same / Let the leaves fall off in the summer / And let December glow in flames / Brace myself and let go / Start it over again in Mexico / These friends they don't love you / They just love the hotel suites now / I don't care what you think / As long as it's about me / The best of us can find happiness in misery / Said I don't care what you think / As long as it's about me / The best of us can find happiness in misery / Oh take a chance / Let your body get a tolerance / I'm not a chance but a heat wave in your pants / Pull a breath like another cigarette / Palms up I'm trading 'em / I'm the oracle in my chest / Let the guitar scream like a fascist / Sweat it out shut your mouth / Free love on the streets / But in the alley I ain't that cheap now / I don't care what you think / As long as it's about me / The best of us can find happiness in misery / Said I don't care what you think / As long as it's about me / The best of us can find happiness in misery 
> 
> I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy (Wentz, Stump)

Krissi didn’t let me leave, much like last time I called. It didn’t help that I couldn’t give her a straight answer. “Yes, I need to leave my internship because Joe Jonas is blackmailing me over something that didn’t actually happen.” No. Not happening. She told me just to work things out and to stick to it, that something will come along and I will write a great article. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear, so I called my mom. She reacted pretty much the same way she did when I told her I wanted to come home after just three weeks in Wales. She was supportive and understanding, but logical about it all. It had only been a week and a half. I was just homesick, it would pass and I would come to love this experience too. No, I was not going home. Not voluntarily, at least. 

I didn’t watch the show that night. I couldn’t force myself to watch Joe be all happy, sitting on top of the world while he stepped on me to get there. Instead I made a Muse playlist for Kevin, omitting some of the earlier, weirder stuff and played cards with Frankie. At least Frankie seemed like he wanted me here. They finished the show with glowing smiles and had a huge buzz off of the audience, and all I could do was put on my best ‘great show’ face and act like Joe hadn’t just tore through me. I couldn’t complain. I couldn’t even talk to Denise about it because it was her own son who did it to me. So I did what I do best; I suffered in silence. If I didn’t rock the boat they had no reason to notice me, and right now, that is exactly what I want.

It wasn’t so much what he said to me that cut right through me, it was the fact that he could get to me like that. All though school, I’ve been a girl in a guy’s world. I’ve taken my fair share of shit and dealt back accordingly. But I couldn’t get to Joe, or at least he didn’t show it if I did. He flat out didn’t respect me or what I do. He caught me at an extremely bad time and I couldn’t take him anymore. We’ve kept our distance ever since, barely even slinging a nasty look across the breakfast table. 

I don’t think Joe talked to Garbo because nothing eased up between us, which was fine with me. If I didn’t have him, I would have gone insane after the first day. The cigarette breaks became a daily thing, sometimes twice a day. The healthy part of me screamed every time he silently nodded towards me, but those screams were drown out by the high levels of cortisol running through my veins. I tried to relax in healthier ways, I really did, but the only time I had alone was in the hotel rooms and I had finished my wine. I did take Garbo’s other advice and started hanging out with the band a little. It was nice to be with people who were around my age and didn’t have to be perfect all the time. But still, the conversation would break down into the technicalities of music and although I could keep up for the most part, I always fell awkwardly silent.

Over the next few days I witnessed more meetings and phone calls than I ever dreamed possible. Camera crews shuffled in and out, taping interview segments and intros for the new video that was going to premiere on the Disney Channel in days. Posters were brought in by the truckload for them to sign and for radio stations to give out. Merch designs were approved. Answers were thought of before the questions were even asked. The guys worked, all between performing at sold out shows every night. No one could catch their breath, let alone relax. 

And then the news hit: Miley’s record was coming out, and one of the songs was rumored to be about Nick and their break up. Publicists and agents were brought in; damage control needed to be done before anyone outside of the industry heard the rumor. Miley agreed to say that the song was about bad break ups in general and Nick was to deny that he had even heard the song. It all felt like some sort of sick boarding school. Everyone knew that it was about him, but yet we all had to lie through our teeth. But it wasn’t lying, it was public relations. And this is where the first NDA was handed over to me, during one of these meetings, in their dressing room in Philadelphia.

“What’s this?” I knew perfectly well what it was, but I wanted to hear their version of it.

“Mandy, this is called a Non-Disclosure Agreement, or NDA for short. Simply stated, it’s a contract you sign to guarantee that you will not say anything to anyone about this Nick and Miley agreement,” their lawyer, Mr. What’s-his-face said. I didn’t care enough about him to learn his name. I was done learning names, especially since if I made one wrong move, I would be sent back to Chicago. This could be my wrong move. 

“I know what an NDA is,” I stated. The cheesy smile slipped slightly from his face. Kevin Sr. looked from me to the lawyer.

“Mandy, part of the agreement to have you come along with us was that you would sign if anything needed one. Now, I know that you wouldn’t run off and tell anyone, but to cover all our bases, we need you to sign it,” he reasoned.

“What would happen if I didn’t sign?” I asked. I was going to sign the damn piece of paper, I was just pissed off that yet another possible piece of my article was being taken from me. Kevin looked uncomfortable. My gaze didn’t falter.

“We would have to let you go.”

“And there would be possible legal implications if you did say anything, at the very least a hefty fine,” the lawyer said. I looked between them. Was I being cruel, questioning the NDA that sat in front of me? Maybe, but I didn’t care.

“Mandy, please. We want you here as long as we can, and I know that Denise and I would be extremely sad if we had to send you home over this,” Kevin pleaded. So, they did want me. I motioned for a pen and silently signed my story away. I was doing this for Nick. If I found any dirt on Joe, I was immediately running to People Magazine and ruining him. It was the least he deserved after breaking me. Kevin visibly relaxed and part of me felt satisfied that I was able to shake up his world, even for a few minutes, but a bigger part of me felt badly that it even came to this. I shouldn’t be like this. I’m not this vindictive. I really just needed a night to relax and go crazy, get all the pent up anger and stress out. There had been no mention of going out like Garbo had said in Cleveland. A bit defeated, I sighed.

The show that night was good, as always, even though Joe slipped on some of the foam and fell. There was an outpouring of concern and support from the fans; I just laughed so hard I needed to hold onto the railing to stay standing. I got some nasty looks for that from the girls around me, but I didn’t care. I wished so badly that I would have brought my camera out to capture it, but then I remembered that it would almost certainly be on YouTube and therefore Oh No They Didn’t in the morning. I made a mental note to save it on my computer for those days when I just wanted Joe to fall off the face of the earth, which was most days now.

The show ended with the usual bang and I ducked under the stage to meet up with them. It was fairly early in the night; Philly had weird curfew laws and since the majority of the audience was not legal, the show had to end a half hour before curfew. I found the entire lot of them, already in the lounge, toweling off and guzzling water. Ryan motioned for me to join them on the couch while Kevin Sr. was going over notes with Kevin, Joe, and Nick.

“You still up for going out tonight? Garbo said that you were interested when he mentioned it to you…” he asked me. I was floored and excited at the same time.

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I could use a night out. Where are we going?” 

“This club called Icehouse. It’s 18+ to get in and 21+ to drink, so Joe can come with if he’s up for it. We’re all getting the first van back to the hotel to get ready if you want to come with us,” he explained. I nodded and gathered my things, letting Denise know that I was going with the band. We all piled into the waiting gigantor-van and we pulled out of the venue, fangirls waving from the outside the entire time. They all politely waved back until the line faded from sight. I leaned back into the seat and relaxed a bit. I had to admit, I was a little nervous. I hadn’t been out since before I left and not to a club since Wales. I could only hope that this night would go as well as any night over there.

“What kind of club is this?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“What do you mean?” Ryan responded.

“Like, how should I dress? I’ve been to places that won’t let you in wearing jeans and others that girls are dancing in flip-flops.”

“Umm, well, we’ll be able to get in with nice jeans and being put together. I don’t know what you brought with you, but you might want to pull out the stops,” he said slowly, I think as to not offend me. I gave a weak smile and nodded. I knew what he was saying; I needed to clean up. To be honest, we all needed to, but a cute shirt wasn’t going to cut it.

The van pulled up to our hotel and we piled out into the lobby. We agreed that we had 45 minutes to get ready and be back in the lobby or else the van was going to leave without us. I grabbed an elevator to my room and immediately tore through my suitcase. What the fuck was I going to wear? I was expecting to be writing an article, not partying it up with the Jonas Brothers. Or their band, at least. I couldn’t even remember what exactly I packed. After some deep diving, I briefly considered a black sweater wrap dress but thought twice, as I wanted to save it for London and washing machines were few and far between this day and age. I tossed it to the side and went back in and emerged with my long forgotten light blue Le Sac dress. This thing was literally a pillow case with one long strap, but this allowed me to basically wrap and wear it any way I could think of. It was the best investment I have ever made in fashion. 

I quickly stripped down to next to nothing and tied myself in, making the material into a plunge V halter, wrapping the excess strap around my middle to create a waist. I settled on my heels from the first day and quickly pulled my hair back into a half ponytail, letting some strands fall naturally around my face. I quickly found my black chandelier earrings and put them on, completing the look. I spritzed some perfume on my chest, swiped some dusty pink eye shadow across my lids, applied mascara and lip gloss and did one final take in the mirror. 

I didn’t look too bad, if I say so myself. I certainly looked more my age, which was always a good thing when going to a club. That was probably the only downside to my jeans and a t-shirt wardrobe; with my long, straight, brown hair and blue eyes, I looked 14 at any given moment. But tonight, I did not look 14. I looked 18, at the least. I always get told that some day I will be excited that I get mistaken for younger. But for now, I had to make sure I had some form of ID.

I threw my wallet, phone, and hotel keycard into a small black purse and threw it over my shoulder, closing the door behind me. I really hope I’m not running late and keeping everyone waiting. I anxiously stabbed the ‘down’ button on the elevator and waited in silence. The metal doors opened with a ‘ding’ and I stepped in, rushing to the main floor as I did one final adjustment to my dress, making sure to keep my modesty. The elevator stopped with a soft thud and opened up to the marble floors of the lobby. John, Garbo, and Kevin were all sitting in a circle of sofas over by the fireplace and beckoned for me to join them. I breathed a little sigh of relief. I wasn’t the last one. 

“If I may say, you look very nice tonight,” Kevin said as I sat down next to Garbo. I could only smile, his polite manner being a little overwhelming. 

“Wow, Mandy. Where did you get that dress?” John asked. 

“Umm, American Apparel? Yeah, it’s called the Le Sac dress. I can pretty much tie it any way I want, so don’t be surprised if I could out of the bathroom with it tied completely different,” Garbo played with his tie absent-mindedly, “You guys all look really nice.” Kevin was wearing dark slacks and a black button up that had gold military stripes across the chest. John was wearing black slacks, a light blue shirt and a black vest with his ever-present fedora. Garbo went simple with black skinny jeans, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows and a black loose skinny tie. The elevator dinged again, this time depositing Jack and Ryan together, both of them wearing some variation of the dress shirt with vest or tie combination. I was getting anxious to get going and it seemed like everyone was accounted for. Everyone but Joe.

“What time is it?” I asked the group in general.

“10:30,” Kevin answered as he furiously texted to I could only assume Danielle. 

“It has been 45 minutes…” I said nonchalantly. If we left without him, my night would be infinitely better. John fished his cell from his pocket and dialed a number. I sighed.

“Hey, don’t worry about him. Make tonight fun. You deserve it,” Garbo said low enough so only I could hear. I gave a weak smile and nodded. He was right. I needed to just have fun and relax, despite Joe’s involvement in the night.

“He’ll be down in a few,” John explained as he hung up his phone. The guys chit chatted about nothing in particular as I reapplied my lip gloss. I was going to be okay. I didn’t have to talk to Joe if I didn’t want to. I could sit and drink with Garbo all night, just to piss him off. I could get drunk and go dance crazy if I wanted to. Joe didn’t have any hold on me. Tonight was going to be fun. I was going to make sure I had fun tonight.

The elevator finally dinged and out stepped Joe, wearing a deep maroon shirt, black skinny jeans, black dress shoes, and a black tuxedo jacket with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, his hair still expertly straightened and styled from the show. I hate him. I really do. A person that cruel should not look that amazing. My eyes racked over him out of their own will and I could see him let a little smirk play across his face. He knew what he was doing. I hastily tucked a loose hair behind my ear as I stood with everyone, embarrassed that he caught me having a moment of weakness for him. No, he couldn’t get to me like that too. I stood straight, forcing myself to be the confident 21-year old I really was. 

“So, are we ready to go?” he asked as he sauntered over to the group. I threw a sideways glance at him and immediately regretted it. He was very visibly checking me out, in front of everyone. But, instead of making me feel sexy like it was supposed to, I just felt like I was being x-rayed. His eyes caught mine and he let that little smirk come out again. I really, really, really wanted to smack it right off his face. I was not an object for him to look at. I didn’t get myself all cleaned up for him. Yep, I was going to have to get drunk tonight just to deal with him. 

We all exited the lobby and climbed into the waiting SUV.

“Here. You look like you’re going to need it,” Garbo quietly said as he discreetly handed me a cigarette and a lighter. 

“Am I really that obvious?” I asked as I put them in my purse for safekeeping.

“No, but I could tell from that look on your face when Joe checked you out that you were not going to have a good night if he was around. Promise me you’ll try to relax a bit tonight? I think you’ll enjoy yourself a lot more and you won’t be threatening to go home every week if you do.”

“I’ll try. I’ll need a drink in me first, but I’ll try,” I sighed as the car rounded a corner and went down an alley. It came to a halt about half way down and everyone started to pile out.

“Already? We’re seriously like, five blocks from the hotel,” I said to no one in particular. 

“Yeah, but, it’s not like we can actually walk here,” Joe answered. Yeah, maybe he couldn’t walk here, but my face isn’t plastered on all four corners of the internet, so I would have been fine with walking. Whatever. I followed the group through the back door and immediately up some very poorly lit stairs. Some hip hop song was blaring through the sound system as we were lead through a curtained off section and into a booth that overlooked the entire club, but was set far enough back that no one could see up into where we were seated. A very convenient VIP section. I slipped in on the end, Garbo next to me and Joe across the table, on the other end, and ordered a very stiff amaretto and orange from the waitress who was going to be taking care of us. I watched the floor pulsate below us, different groups moving to the beat as the lights and lasers flowed over their faces, highlighting the complete abandon that the music brought over them. I was immediately jealous. I wanted to be down there with them, enjoying my night out and not stuck up here, hidden away yet expected to enjoy myself the same. 

“Do you guys go out to clubs often?” I asked Garbo.

“It depends, really. When we do decide to go out, we have a running track that one person in the band gets to choose where we’ll go. Of course, Kevin and Joe don’t always come with, but when they do they like to set us up in swanky roped-off sections. But when it’s just us, it’s really just a normal, chill time.” The waitress made quick work and brought us our drinks, most of the guys having a beer, Kevin and Joe settling for pop. I stirred mine up a bit and sipped the sweet and sour concoction. It was a nice break from the wine I was used to. 

“Do you drink a lot?” Joe asked out of nowhere. Grabo looked over at him, a bit offended for me.

“Excuse me?”

“Whenever I see you on your balcony or whatever after a show, you’re having a glass of wine and now you’re drinking that,” he said as he motioned to my drink. 

“Are you saying that I drink too much?” I shot back, getting offended for myself.

“I’m not sure. Do you drink a lot?” he repeated. The other conversations at the table stopped and everyone focused on us. I pursed my lips. Little Mister Perfect had no place to criticize my habits. 

“No. I enjoy the odd glass of wine after a hard day and I enjoy having a few drinks with friends when we go out. I’m sure some day when you get a little bit older you’ll understand, Joseph.” His eyebrows shot up into his hairline and he sat back into his seat, obviously put in his place. I was not going to let some snot nosed 18-year-old kid question my drinking habits. Everyone slowly went back to their conversations, signaling that this fight was over. Fucking ridiculous. I finished my drink.

“Mandy, don’t…” Garbo started.

“No, you know what? I’m going to go dance and forget about him,” I said as I stood up and faced the table, “Anyone else?” My eyes scanned around the table, everyone just shaking their heads or shrugging, “None of you? You’re just going to sit here?” I silently pleaded with Garbo. 

“I don’t dance. Sorry,” he said quietly. I took a deep breath and looked over at Joe, holding his gaze.

“Really?” I asked once again. He stared at me with just as much intensity as I him.

“No,” was all he said, very plainly and to the point. I looked away.

“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be down there,” and I turned from the table, walking back to the stairs. Stupid boys. Who the fuck comes to a dance club and doesn’t dance? This isn’t what I signed up for. Constantly being told to relax and not let Joe get to me by Garbo while Joe takes shots at every little thing I do. Sit and drink with us, but no too much lest you be labeled a lush by the virgin saint sitting across the table. Holier than thou. Fuck that.

“Mandy,” Garbo said has he grabbed my upper arm. I spun around and faced him, “If you go down there, it’s going to be next to impossible for you to get back up here,” he pleaded. He wanted me to stay and right now, that was not what I wanted to hear.

“Then that means you guys are just going to have to come down and get me,” I threw back and pulled my arm from his grasp. 

“Don’t let Joe get away with that crap,” he yelled above the bass.

“You know what, Garbo? I’m sick of it. This entire tour you’ve been preaching about how I should relax and be myself and all that shit, but the one chance I’ve had to relax and he shits all over it. So, I’m going to go down there and fucking be myself without him and you guys can either be a part of it or sit back and watch me from your boring ass VIP section. Your choice,” I yelled back. I was so god damned frustrated with Garbo’s ‘ignore him’ attitude. I wasn’t going to fucking deal with it anymore. After he didn’t respond, I turned and made my way down the stairs, through a small hallway and out onto the middle of the dance floor. I didn’t particularly care what song was on; I just found the beat and danced by myself.

There wasn’t much room. It was hot and sweaty. The smoke from the fog machines made it a little hard to breathe. I didn’t care. The bass was at my feet and the typical techno siren ripped through me, moving my body any way it wanted to. I was finally free. It was the best feeling in the world.

“Please don’t stop the music…” Rihanna sang into silence and everyone on the floor let out a yell, including me. This was a Wales song and as long as I was out here, I was back there, away from the chaos that my life had become. I closed my eyes and let her take me back.

“It’s getting late  
I’m making my way over to my favorite place  
Gotta get my body moving  
Shake the stress away…” It was so true. I needed to forget all about the assholes that were probably watching me right at this very moment. I slowly opened my eyes as I felt someone behind me, falling into step with me. Normally I would have pulled away, but I really didn’t care at this point. 

“Do you know what you started?  
I just came here to party  
But now we’re rocking on the dance floor acting naughty.  
You’re hands around my waist” and his hands snaked around my hips.

“Just let the music play,” and I placed my hands on his.

“We’re hand in hand,” and I quickly turned around, curious as to who I was dancing with.

“Chest to chest and now we’re face to face,” A pair of piercing green eyes stared into mine. He wasn’t anyone I knew. His dark brown hair was perfectly sculpted into a faux-hawk and he had a small, shy smile on his face. We fell back into the beat and I accepted my fate that this incredibly hot stranger wanted to dance with me.

“I wanna take you away  
Let’s escape into the music, DJ let it play.  
I just can’t refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rocking to it  
Please don’t stop the, please don’t stop the, please don’t stop the music…” Everything just fell away. All the stress, the worry about my article, Garbo, Joe, all of it disappeared. All that mattered to me was being here, in this moment, in the music with this guy. I silently begged the DJ to keep it going. The beat faded out as the next song started with a dog bark. 

“Shake it up…  
Shake it up girl  
Shake it up… bass” and the bass joined the percussion. I didn’t like much hip hop, but loved N.E.R.D, especially this song. The guy changed his rhythm accordingly and I followed his lead, turning back around to dance better. He shifted one hand down to my thigh as I wrapped one hand back around his neck. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and I closed my eyes, just letting the beat carry me.

“She makes me thing of lightning in skies  
Her name, She’s sexy  
How else is God supposed to write?  
Her name, she’s sexy,” What was his name? My inner guard went up a bit at this thought. I felt like I should at least know his name. I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and tilted my lips towards his ear.

“I’m Mandy.” He leaned down to hear better.

“Alex,” and he tilted up my chin, capturing my lips with his. It was completely unexpected, but not unwanted. It just felt good to feel like someone actually wanted me, however brief this encounter might be. It wasn’t a bad kiss, but it wasn’t magical either. I opened my eyes and just caught the shadow of someone in the VIP section standing from the table and walking away. No. I deserved this and I was not leaving. Maybe one of them finally had some sense and realized that you should dance at a club and is coming down to join me. Whatever. 

“Mister! Look at your girl, she loves it!  
I can see it in her eyes.  
She hopes this lasts forever…hey!” Pharrell sang over the beat that Alex and I moved so fluidly to. 

The night wore on and we danced to song after song, kissed a little more, and I absolutely lost myself. No one came down to bother me, and I never looked back up. I didn’t care. I was having fun, for once. We finally decided to get off the dance floor and he bought me a drink as we moved over to a table on the outer edge of the floor. 

“So, are you from around here?” he asked as he wrapped an arm around me, taking a swig from his beer.

“Uh, no, actually. Just passing through. I’m from Chicago,” I answered, absentmindedly chewing on my straw. I was going to have to carefully make up my lies.

“Really? You’re a long way from Chicago. What brings you here?” 

“Making my way to New York. I’m here with some friends,” Right? It wasn’t exactly a lie. 

“Some friends? Where are they?” Why did he follow my answer with a question? He was hot, but he was getting a little boring.

“They’re around. Hey, so do you go to school here?” 

“Yeah, LaSalle University,” he answered flatly. 

“What are you studying?”

“Business.” This conversation was flatling fast. Such a disappointment since I was having such a good time with him. I needed another drink already.

“Do you enjoy it?” trying to egg him on.

“Nah, but I don’t really want to be like one of those art or photography people who go to school for what they like and end up living in a box, ya know? What are you doing?”

“Oh, I graduated early. Double majored in Journalism and Cinema,” I said pointedly. Yeah, because doing what you love is stupid.

“Damn. Did you have any fun in school?” I sighed. Am I really that tightly wound?

“Yes, I had my outlets. Do you do anything?”

“Alpha Chi Rho!” he shouted out of nowhere. A few guys on the floor yelled back. Oh god. He was in a frat. I kissed a frat boy. I felt dirty, almost as bad as if I kissed Joe or something. 

“Right. Hey, do you want to go dance again? I love this song,” I lied, desperate to salvage what I could from him. He smiled and took my hand, leading me back out amongst his frat boy friends and our drinks forgotten. Whatever, I didn’t pay for them.

As soon as the beat picked back up, I felt better. He didn’t need to talk; I was perfectly fine with dancing with eye candy. He seemed to be really into me, but then again, I had no idea how many beers he already had in him before I came into his picture. 

I knew it had to be getting late, but I wanted to make this night stretch as much as I could. From the sound of it, I wasn’t going to get a night out until London, or maybe even later. All I wanted was another drink, a few more songs, some nice tongue and that would be it. I could call it a night.

“Hey, I’m going to go get another drink. Do you want anything?” I shouted over the bass. He shook his head no and started conversing with one of his friends. I made my way through the dance floor and up to the bar.

A strong hand wrapped around my upper arm and started dragging me through throngs of people and before I knew it, I was outside in the cold night air.

“What the fuck?” I asked no one in particular. My eyes refocused to the near darkness of the street and I could make out Joe as my lead. 

“We’re leaving.” I rolled my eyes and pulled my arm away. 

“I was having fun.”

“Too bad. It’s late.” 

“What time is it?” he didn’t respond. Typical, “Joe, what time is it?” I pressed. He stopped suddenly and turned towards me.

“I don’t fucking know, okay? Everyone left without us. Well, without you. You’re fucking lucky I said I would stay,” he finished and went back to power walking in every direction. He was going the wrong way, but other matters seemed more important right now.

“Well, thank you, but I never asked you to stay. That was your own choice, so don’t get mad at me for enjoying the night out,” I yelled back.

“Oh yeah, like I could let you stay there alone with the Frat Pack.”

“Yeah, you could have. Alex wasn’t going to do anything,” 

“Oh, is that his name? I don’t really care. What did you tell him?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did he really think that after an hour of dancing and a drink that I was just going to let everyone know all their secrets? 

“About what? I didn’t say a damn thing about you guys,” I said as I tried to keep up with him. The heels were not working with me at this point.

“So what did you tell him when he asked if you wanted to go back to his place?” he shot back.

“What? He didn’t…”

“You two sure looked cozy together or is making out with a guy just your own special way of saying hello?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Are you... are you jealous? So what I kissed the guy. It’s not like it meant anything. And slow the fuck down! I’m wearing fucking heels for god sakes! And where the hell are we?” I screamed at him. All of this just because Joe was a little jealous that I got some action and he didn’t. 

“Shut up, you’re drunk,” he yelled back at me. We were officially at each other’s throats. 

“I’m not fucking drunk, Joe! I had two god damn drinks! Where are we?” I yelled back as I stopped dead in my tracks and looked around. We were in an alley. In Philly. In the middle of the night. This was how horror movies started and I was not going to get killed tonight. Joe apparently thought so too because he stopped and took some deep breaths. 

“Come on, let’s go. The hotel is on the other end of this alley,” he said softly. I almost preferred him to yell at me. I couldn’t just go though. I needed to know. 

“No, not until you answer me. Are you jealous that Alex kissed me?” I said as I lit a cigarette from my purse. I was lost, with Joe, and he was in hysterics. My stress level was through the roof. I didn’t fucking care if he knew anymore. 

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked as he looked at me with disgust.

“Smoking. You might have heard of it? It’s something people do when stressed,” I said sarcastically. He watched the orange cinder burn down the paper as I gladly received the chemical release on the other end.

“You know you’re only killing yourself with that.”

“No shit, Sherlock. Spare me your freaking lecture. I don’t need it right now,” I spit out after I took a drag.

“If you insist on killing yourself, will you hurry up? We’re literally a half a block away.” For all I knew, we could have been miles out of the way. For all I knew, this could have been my last cigarette ever because we were going to be murdered as soon as we walked down this alley. I was going to take as long as I damn well pleased. 

“No. I will smoke my cigarette as fast as I want.” In two strides he closed the distance between us, took my cigarette out of my hand, threw it on the ground and smashed it, much to my horror. I couldn’t believe it. It was like my world shattered. I needed that cigarette and I couldn’t exactly wake Garbo up for a new one if or when we made it back.

“That was my last fucking cigarette!” I screamed.

“It’s disgusting,” he said in a dangerously low voice, “Deal with your stress some other way.” Deal with my stress some other way? Who the fuck does he think he is? It was my body; I could do what I wanted with it, stress or no stress. 

“Fuck you, Joe Jonas,” I said in an equally low voice, as I looked him in his eyes. I was so mad I could have slapped him. He was so close I could feel his body heat radiating off of him. He looked down on me with pure detest, every fight between us building up inside him. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I wasn’t scared. I wanted him to hit me. It just gave me more reason to hit him. I could do it. He wouldn’t look so sexy on stage with a huge bruise across his face. My hands balled into fists.

His body pressed into me, sandwiching me against the wall, his lips viciously crashing into mine. He pulled me to him, making sure I felt every inch of merciless lust that flowed through him as his heart pounded in his toned chest. Instinctively my arms wrapped around his waist and my hands grabbed at his back, gathering little balls of fabric from his jacket. My head swam and I couldn’t process anything but the sensation of Joe kissing me. I hated him so much but he had lit a fire inside of me. It was rushed and explosive and completely unexpected. I didn’t know why and I don’t think he did either. He bit my bottom lip as he pulled away, making me yelp in pain. I put both my hands over my mouth and he stared at me with cold, cruel eyes.

“I hate you.”


	5. The Denial Twist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nothing can still mean something.”
> 
> “No, nothing is nothing. As far as I’m concerned, your brother and I still can’t stand the sight of each other, despite what you may think,” I retorted, getting frustrated.
> 
> “It’s not what I think, it’s what I know,” he mumbled as I handed over the money to the attendant who gave me a fist full of tokens for the batting cages. 
> 
> “What do you know?”
> 
> “Nope. No more. If you’re not going to admit that you have feelings for Joe, then I’m not going to tell you any more.” And he set his jaw.

“Wait, wait. So go over it again,” my friend Steph said from the other end of the line.

“I’ve already told you. He yanked me out of the club, went on some rant about it being late and me being drunk, destroyed my cigarette, and then out of nowhere kissed me,” I explained as I paced on the deck in the backyard in the morning warmth. We were finally back in Wycoff. Everyone seemed to have breathed a sigh of relief at sleeping in their own beds again. I slept on the couch. 

“What did you do after he destroyed your cigarette?”

“I almost slapped him and instead settled for ‘Fuck you, Joe Jonas’.”

“See, now you know the pain that happens when you don’t have a smoke when you need one,” she teased, referencing the time when I only allowed her to bring two cigarettes to a Muse show and they both snapped in half. I was not amused. I could use one now, but I wouldn’t see Garbo until tonight at the show. He hadn’t said anything about what happened at the club. He wasn’t even giving me lectures about how best to not piss off Joe anymore. Right now, we would talk about anything but Joe during our cancer stick outings. I just figured he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of my wrath again.

“Steph, this is serious.”

“Okay, fine. How was the kiss?” I considered what she was asking me. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought of how the kiss actually was. I was more focused on the fact that it happened at all.

“Umm, good, I guess. He bit me.”

“He bit you?”

“Yeah. On the lip.” Silence on the other end.

“That’s a little weird.”

“I know. I had a bruise for a few days.”

“Why do you think he kissed you?”

“I don’t fucking know, Steph. That’s what you’re supposed to be helping me figure out.”

“This all happened after you kissed this other guy at the club?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.” I sat down on the steps to the lawn.

“Hmm, what?”

“Do you think that maybe he was jealous?” 

“Why the hell would he be jealous?” I laughed. I had thought about it, but as him and I were not speaking, I didn’t have enough evidence to make this a solid theory.

“Did it ever cross your mind that maybe Joe likes you?” I stopped laughing.

“No. No way. He makes my life a living hell 24/7. We can’t fucking stand each other.”

“Maybe he acts like that to keep you at a distance. You know, Monica Lewinski didn’t do interns any favors.” I put my head in my hands.

“Please tell me you did not just compare me to Monica Lewinski.”

“Sorry. How has he acted since?” I thought back on the past week.

“Come to think of it, he hasn’t said a thing since. I caught him avoiding me in the hallways.”

“Have you tried just talking to him?”

“Are you kidding? I can’t talk to him.”

“And why not?”

“I just can’t. That’s not how I work. Bad things happen when there’s a talk. Right now, the only bad thing is that I’m confused and I’ll deal with that.”

“Mandy, grow a pair and talk to him.”

“I don’t need to grow a pair. I’m a girl.”

“You know what I mean…” She was right. I should be having this conversation with him, not her. Too bad that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“Come to the show tonight,” I said out of nowhere.

“What?"

“They’re playing a secret show in New York today. Come on, please? I won’t have any time to see you before we leave for London tonight,” I pleaded.

“Hey, that’s your fault. You’ve been in Jersey for three days now and haven’t tried to get to the city.”

“It’s not like I can just hop into a car and get there. Please? It’s not your music and you’ll probably have a crap time, but I want to see you. And you can meet Joe and tell me what you think.”

“Ahh, the truth comes out…”

“Please?” I begged. Actually having someone on my side would be a nice change. She didn’t respond for a while. 

“Would I have to pay?”

“No. Nope, no way. I’ll talk to Denise and get you a pass.”

“Ugh. Fine. It’s a good thing I don’t have work tonight. And you owe me.”

“I’ll buy you Starbucks. Thank you so much.”

“Yeah, whatever…” she said. I knew she wasn’t happy about it, but to me, this was a testament to our friendship. I could see Denise coming into the kitchen and could only hope she didn’t hear any of what I told Steph. I didn’t love the thought of her knowing that her middle son and me locked lips in a dark alley.

“Okay, I’ll text you the details when I get into the city. I got to go though. See you tonight,” and I ended the call. I stood from the step and walked through the sliding glass door into the warmth of the house.

“Morning,” she chimed as she started mixing up pancakes. She did this every morning since we’ve been back. I wasn’t the biggest fan of pancakes anyway, but now I was just getting sick of them.

“Good morning,” I said back, taking down some plates from the cabinet and setting the table. 

“How did you sleep?”

“Fine.”

“You’re up early,” she said, making conversation. 

“Yeah, I needed to go over the plans for mine and Nick’s day,” I lied. 

“Who was on the phone?” she asked as she made perfect circles on the skillet.

“My friend Steph. She lives in New York,” I replied, easing into my request.

“Oh, nice. Are you going to see her?”

“Umm, maybe. Would it be possible to get her a pass for the show tonight?” I asked slowly. Denise considered my request as she turned the pancakes over.

“Is she a fan?” I felt like this was a trick question. If I said yes, I would be lying but if I said no, why would she want to come to the show?

“She knows of them, but she isn’t a crazy fangirl, if that’s what you’re asking. She’s not going to maul them.”

“How old is she?”

“Umm, 23?”

“Can she provide ID?” This whole conversation seemed very out of place while Denise was serving up the first batch of pancakes and I was pouring orange juice into glasses. I could hear the TV turn on in the next room.

“Yes, of course.” She fell silent for a moment. I knew the battle that raged in her head. She had to make sure the boys were safe and everything, but I knew that she would normally be fine with me seeing a friend. It was times like this where reality and celebrity collided. 

“Fine. But she’s your responsibility. She doesn’t get to wander around on her own. And no cameras,” she decided.

“Oh, thank you so much, Denise! I really appreciate it,” and I gave her a hug. 

“It’s fine. Now go and wake the boys for me please.” I finished setting the table and walked into the living room. Nick sat on the couch with Frankie, him being the one that turned on the tv. 

“Whatcha watching?” I asked casually. 

“Nothing, really. Am I going to need anything for today?” Nick asked.

“I don’t think so,” I wracked my brain, “Oh, a bat.”

“Like a baseball bat?”

“Yeah, if you have one that you prefer.”

“Are we going to batting cages?”

“Yep. And a few other things.” He considered this as he checked his phone. Kevin walked past us, already fully dressed.

“Morning,” he chimed. 

“Morning. Is your brother up?” I responded.

“Is he ever up this early?” he answered. Great. I was going to have to wake him up now. This was not going to be fun.

“Sweet,” Nick said approvingly. 

“Breakfast is on, just so you know,” I said as I left Nick. I walked further down the hall until I came to Joe’s door. It felt kind of weird, getting this sort of glimpse into his life. Hotel rooms were one thing, but this was his own, personal bedroom. I braced myself and slowly opened his door, quietly stepping inside. 

I didn’t exactly know what I expected. The sun shone through the high windows to reveal light blue walls in the semi-darkness. The floor was clean save for the clothes he had used while being home and a few stray dishes scattered across free surfaces. Pictures of bands and singers and friends decorated the walls. It was eerily like my brother’s room before we moved. His laptop lay at the foot of his bed, discarded after a long night of whatever he does when he’s alone. And there he was, wrapped loosely in a grey comforter, mouth slack, a tiny bit of drool in the corner. His hair was naturally curled from days of neglecting the straightener. I studied him for a moment. He didn’t look like himself. He didn’t look like that prick up on stage. Here, in his room, he looked like any other guy that would be starting college in the fall. The cute, funny guy who lives down the hall and you wanted to share your Easy Mac with. The kind of guy who couldn’t be mean to anyone. The kind of guy who wouldn’t corner a girl and push her against a wall and kiss her. This guy wouldn’t do that. This guy just looked sweet and nice and would take a girl on a cute date and be a gentleman and at the end of the night…

What was I thinking? Joe was none of that, despite what he looked like right now. He wasn’t the sweet guy, no matter how much I wanted him to be.  He had his back against the wall, as far over as he could go and not be in the back yard. I placed a knee on the edge of the bed to balance myself as I reached over and placed a hand on his arm.

“Joe?” I said lightly as I gently shook him, “Joe, it’s time to wake up.” Nothing. He shook my hand off. I tried again a little harder. Still nothing. 

“Joe, come on. It’s time to…”

“AHHHHHHH!” he yelled as his eyes flicked open, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?” My knee slipped as I screamed and fell onto the bed next to him. 

“What the hell, Joe?” 

“Why are you in here?”

“Waking you up!” He blinked a few times and then sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“What are you wearing?” he asked. What am I wearing? Why does that matter?

“What?

“Your, umm…” he blindly motioned to my chest, “were in my face.”

“They were not! It’s just a tank top, Joe.” I said, completely horrified.

“Oh yes they were. Why do you think I screamed? Wasn’t really expecting to wake up to that.”

“Oh, well, if my tank top and what’s underneath it offends you…” I started as I stood to leave.

“No, wait!” he said as he grabbed my arm. I turned and looked down at it. It was the most contact we had since the alley. Once he realized what he did, he quickly let go, “Umm, what’s on your back?” 

“My tattoo,” I replied as I slowly sat back onto the bed. I fully expected him to call me Captain Obvious.

“When did you get that?” he sincerely asked. Its genuine nature took me a bit off guard. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was playing at. 

“Last year, after I came back from Wales.” I responded. I heard him swallow.

“Oh yeah. Kevin told me all about you being over there. Must have been a good time if you got a tattoo of it.” He seemed sincerely interested in the story behind the layer of ink on my back. 

“Well, it’s not Welsh, but being over there did help the dream become reality, so to speak.” I liked this. I liked being civil with him. I liked feeling comfortable around him. 

“May I?” he softly asked as he placed a light finger on my strap. I nodded and dragged a hand around to sweep up my hair. He hesitated for a moment, positioning himself behind me. I allowed my eyes to close as his soft fingertips made contact with my bare skin, lightly and carefully stretching the thin strip of fabric over my shoulder to rest on my arm. He did the same with the other side, softly grazing my fingers on his way down. My nerve endings memorized his lightest of touches and I couldn’t help but let out the softest of sighs. He dragged my shirt down a little, just enough to get the full view.

“Don’t ever let life pass you by,” he read, “Wow.”

“Yeah…” I breathed. 

“Did it hurt?”

“Not too badly. It hurt the worst when he went across my spine.”

“How long did it take?”

“About 15 minutes.”  
  
“That’s it?” 

“Once he got it positioned, yeah. It’s simple. Just tracing lines. No filling required.”

“Why ‘Don’t ever let life pass you by’?”

“Short answer, words to live by.”

“What’s the long answer?”

“It’s a line from an Incubus song, ‘Warning’. Always struck a chord with me. I went through some rough times during high school and college but came out the other end a happier, better person. I wasn’t going to waste my time wishing things were better; I was going to make them. I wasn’t going to let life pass me by anymore, and since then, I haven’t.”

“Oh…” and he let the silence hang. I could feel little puffs of his breath on my back; him studying the ink like a doctor would study a wound. I let him. People without tattoos tend to be fascinated by those with tattoos. He swept a finger right across the D and I jumped, startled by the sudden contact.

“Sorry! Did I hurt…?”

“No, I just wasn’t expecting it,” I explained. He chuckled and started again, tracing the D.

“It’s raised. That’s weird.”

“I know. Tattoos are not flat. There is a layer of ink in there.” He continued tracing the letters until he reached my other shoulder blade. I relished every movement of his finger, letting myself get lost in the moment. 

“We’re spending the day in London together,” he stated after a bit, “I’m fully expecting a good time now that I know you’ve been there.”

“Ahh, so you do know where Wales is…” I teased. He chuckled a little as he replaced my straps to their original position. I turned back around to face him. “Believe me, London is my favorite city in the entire world. I know it better than I know Chicago. We’re going to have a good time.”

“Knock knock. Pancakes are getting cold and eaten, so you better hurry up,” Nick said from the doorway.

“Oh yeah, pancakes are ready,” I said to Joe.

“Yeah, I got that message. Thanks,” he said sarcastically, but flashed a small smile at me. We both stood and followed Nick back out to the dining room where the entire family had gathered and already started eating. Kevin was almost done already.

“Why in such a hurry?” Joe asked him as he sat down. I fixed myself a small pile of pancakes and took a seat also. 

“Spending the day with Dani before the show,” Kevin answered with a smile.

“Haven’t you spent every day with Danielle since we’ve been back?”

“Yes, but she is my girlfriend and I enjoy spending time with her. Someday you’ll have a girlfriend that you will want to spend time with too, Joe,” he threw back. Joe fell silent and stabbed a pancake.

“Kevin, just make sure your bags are packed for Europe and take the trash out before you go. And make sure you’re at the venue by 3:30 this afternoon,” Kevin Sr. said, “Mandy, the car for you and Nick is coming at 10.”

“That reminds me, are you all packed yet? We’re going to gather up all the luggage and have it sent ahead so we don’t have to worry about it at the show,” Denise asked.

“I just need to get dressed for today and then it’s all yours,” I answered. The table broke out in idle chit chat about schedules and such that I just tuned out. Why was Joe all of the sudden so interested in me? He never cared about my life before I crash-landed into his world and to now take an interest, I couldn’t help but feel defensive. And what he did in the bedroom? That was incredibly intimate and he just went for it like we were old friends, and I just let him. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Mandy, its 9:30. We should probably get ready to go,” Nick broke through. I nodded in agreement, wiping all thoughts of Joe from my brain. I helped clean up the table and went to my suitcase in the living room, digging through it for the day’s clothing. I decided on jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt, surprise, surprise. I retreated to the bathroom to change and make myself up. Once satisfied with the outcome, I came out and repacked my suitcase, lining it up by the front door. 

“Nick, you ready yet?” I called from the couch as I watched the hired car pull into the driveway. He came bounding from his room, suitcase in one hand and baseball bat in the other.

“Yep,” he said as he placed his suitcase next to mine.

“Have fun,” Joe said as he emerged from the kitchen where he was helping Denise with the dishes. Nick just shook his head as he opened the door.

“Thanks,” I slowly responded. He smiled at me as I followed Nick out the door and into the car.

“What was that all about?” I asked him as we pulled out of the driveway.

“That… that was Joe trying too hard.”

“Trying too hard?”

“Yep.” was all he said.

“Care to elaborate…?”

“Nope.” And he left it at that. Okay. Joe was trying too hard with something and his own brother didn’t want to tell me why. I had a sneaking suspicion it had to do with me.

“What’s his deal anyway?” I asked after a bit.

“What do you mean, what’s his deal?”

“At first he hates me, then he avoids me, and now all of the sudden he’s being civil to me, even nice,” I didn’t know what I was fishing for, but if I couldn’t talk to Joe about this stuff, it was worth a shot with Nick.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe that kiss in the alley changed the game a bit,” he said. My eyes widened and all the color ran from my face.

“Oh god, you know about that?” 

“I’m his brother, of course I know.”

“Does Kevin know?”

“Oh yes.” Oh no. I buried my face in my hands. This entire day was just going to be one giant embarrassment, wasn’t it, “Look, if it’s any consolation he didn’t willingly tell us. Kevin and I just noticed that something was off. When Joe came back from that club, he refused to stay up and talk about anything, which isn’t like him at all. Just wanted to go to bed, mumbled something about you and then turned out the lights. Every time I tried talking to him, he ignored me. The next day I asked Kevin what happened but he just told me that he didn’t know, when he left you were dancing with some guy and Joe got up from the table and no one knew where he went. He said that Joe looked pretty pissed off and that you two had gotten into it at the table, so they assumed that he went back to the hotel. When they got back and Joe wasn’t there, Kevin called him and he just said that he was going to get you and you two would walk back.” I absorbed every word he said. So it was Joe who got up from the VIP section and left when Alex and I kissed, further cementing my theory that maybe, just maybe, Joe was jealous. 

“When Joe started to avoid you like the plague, Kevin and I knew something had happened, so we cornered him and made him talk. To tell the truth, I don’t really get how screaming in an alley at each other turns into making out, but I don’t really want to know.”

“Does anyone else know?” I asked, afraid of the answer. 

“Not that I know of. My parents certainly don’t. But if anything else happens, you two might want to let them in on the secret,” he explained as we pulled into the parking lot of the family fun center. It was practically abandoned, as it was a Wednesday morning, which was perfect. 

“Nothing else is going to happen, that’s for damn sure,” I said as I got out of the car.

“Why not?” I stopped dead in my tracks.

“What do you mean why not?”

“Why won’t anything more happen? We all like you well enough, which is one of the biggest tests and you two obviously have chemistry together…”

“We hate each other,” I interrupted.

“That’s still chemistry. And I don’t think you two hate each other as much as you think. I mean, what was going on this morning in his room?”

“Nothing,” Nick raised an eyebrow to me, “Seriously, nothing. I woke him up and I guess he got a glimpse of my tattoo so he asked about it. Nothing happened.” He also got a glimpse of other parts, but there was no way I was going to help Nick in his campaign to hook his brother and me up.

“Nothing can still mean something.”

“No, nothing is nothing. As far as I’m concerned, your brother and I still can’t stand the sight of each other, despite what you may think,” I retorted, getting frustrated.

“It’s not what I think, it’s what I know,” he mumbled as I handed over the money to the attendant who gave me a fist full of tokens for the batting cages. 

“What do you know?”

“Nope. No more. If you’re not going to admit that you have feelings for Joe, then I’m not going to tell you any more.” And he set his jaw. 

“But I don’t have feelings for Joe! Not positive ones, at least. When did this become about me and how I feel towards him? My feelings toward him haven’t changed at all,” I whined. When did all of this become so complicated? If it were up to me, we would go back to fighting all the time. Fighting was simple. Underneath the fighting was hate. I could deal with hate.

“If you say so.” I give up. Nick wasn’t going to talk without putting words in my mouth and I was just as confused as ever. I sighed and fed the machine with the tokens as Nick entered the cage, primed and ready to show me why he was called the “competitive” one. 

“What about Tiff?” I asked out of nowhere.

“What do you mean?” he asked between pitches.

“I dunno. He told me that he doesn’t like her, yet he’s still civil with her on the phone.”

“When did he tell you that he doesn’t like her?”

“Back in Cleveland. After we landed and got to the hotel, he came out on your balcony and told me. Wanted to ‘clear the air’, so to speak, on his position with her. It was the first time we actually had a conversation,” I explained. It was times like this that I seriously missed college life. Back there, if something happened with a guy and you regretted it later, you could just avoid him and all would be well. This whole “family” and “community” thing they had going on did not sit will with me when it comes to Joe.

“Oh.”

“But why is that any different than this?”

“Because with that he doesn’t know how to break it off because she can’t take a hint,” he hit one so cleanly that if we were in an actual field, that sucker would have for sure been a home run. I had to admit, I was impressed with Nick’s sporting abilities. 

“Maybe I can’t take a hint…” I thought out loud. The pitches stopped and Nick turned towards me.  
  
“Mandy, you’re thinking way too into this. So what? Joe’s outward attitude toward you has changed. It’s not a big deal. Most people would enjoy the pleasantness between you two while it lasts. Would you rather it went back to constant bickering, because I know I wouldn’t and I can bet that everyone else wouldn’t either. What do you want me to say? He’s my brother. He’s a good guy. Yes, sometimes he doesn’t think things through all the way, but I know that deep down he cares about everyone who is around us and he doesn’t mean to hurt, or confuse, or anger anyone, including you. And I think that if you could just let everything go and stop over-analyzing every little move he makes, you would figure out that you care about him too.”

Wow.

Just…wow.

Does this little… _boy_ really think he knows me and how my head and heart work? Really? After three weeks he’s got me all figured out. Of course! Every fight, every insult and quip and laughter at the other’s misfortune has really just been one big dance between Joe and me. Every threat and promise and bruise was just us flirting. It was so obvious! Why the fuck couldn’t we see it? Oh yeah, because IT WASN’T THERE!

“You’re insane,” I responded.

“And you’re in denial. It’s your turn,” He offered me the bat as he came out from the cage, “Do you want to hit some balls or what?” 

I would _love_ to hit some balls right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! Reviews would be amazing and I love to talk to my readers, so drop me a line! Thanks!


	6. Mandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is my friend Stephanie, she’s here for the show tonight as my guest. Steph, this is Joe.” 
> 
> “Ah, so this is the Joe I’ve heard so much about,” She stated as she shook his hand, looking over at me with a face that said that she was going to make my life miserable. I sighed and closed my eyes, bracing myself for the inevitable. 
> 
> “Really, what have you heard about me?” and he turned to me also, and I knew in this moment that he would never let me live it down. 
> 
> “Nothing, nothing, not really,” I interrupted, taking Steph by the arm and moving past him and down the hall, opening up to the lobby, which had been set up with merch booths and other paraphernalia, “So, why did you want us back so fast?” 
> 
> Joe followed close behind us, not ready to let either of us go just yet. “No, I really kind of want to know what you’ve told our new friend here,” he stated, half serious, half joking. The bottom of my stomach opened up. It wasn’t like I could exactly tell the truth in any capacity here, because the truth was either 1) how horrible he had been to me or 2) the sudden turn in his attitude towards me since the kiss.

I could like Joe.

I mean, it wouldn’t be the craziest thing that has ever happened. People develop relationships with the ones they are around all the time. Stockholm Syndrome. The mental state where hostages start to defend their captors, even falling in love with them. I wasn’t quite a hostage in this situation and I most definitely was not in love, but the point still stood. All these feelings were coming about just because I was being over exposed to Joe. A dose of the outside world would set things straight and I could go back to berating his every move.

In the mean time, he was still nice to look at on this day during sound check. It wasn’t anything special, he just looked good. His hair wasn’t perfect yet. He was wearing a simple t-shirt. He had a couple of good nights sleep and easy mornings. He looked refreshed. He looked happy. He looked excited. Dare I say it? He looked sexy. 

I, on the other hand, had slept on a couch for the past three nights. My neck hurt. I hadn’t slept well for a week because if I wasn’t trying to figure out the motivations behind the kiss, I was shuttling from place to place, trying to document as much as I could as I went. My hair was getting limp and lifeless with hotel shampoos and hardly any conditioner. A trim was out of the question. The only reason I was aware of where we were in the world was because we were going to be in London in less than 24 hours, which meant we had to be in New York. I missed Chicago. I missed my bed. I missed my mom. I missed clean clothes. Right now, I could barely fake being happy. London was the goal. Once I got to London, all would be okay. But in the mean time, I might as well enjoy the view and at this moment, the view was playing with the mic stand, balancing it on it’s edge with his foot. 

My phone buzzed in the pocket of my jeans and I nearly jumped out of my seat, half from fright and half from sheer excitement. I gathered up my things and practically ran from the room without giving a second glance. I checked myself in a mirror in the lobby. A half hour ago, the mass text went out to all the fans that the guys were doing a free secret show tonight. Already, there were about a hundred girls outside who all started to scream as I opened the door, only to be disappointed when I wasn’t Kevin, Joe, or Nick. I wasn’t anybody to them, and that was fine by me. I skipped down the stairs and started my two block walk to the nearest Starbucks, passing by the girls as I went. 

“Excuse me?” one shouted towards me. I stopped and looked at her.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?” she asked. Resisting the temptation to point out that she just asked me something by asking me if she could ask me something, I nodded slowly. She looked to be slightly younger than me, but that didn’t really mean much. 

“On the forums, we post pictures from the shows and you’ve been at almost every single one for a few weeks now, but no one knows who you are,” some of the fans around her turned to listen, “And you never look like you’re really into the show, so why are you there?”

“Yeah, and someone else said they saw you standing and talking with Mrs. Jonas at a show…”

“And with Kevin in Cleveland,” the others added. I was starting to panic a little.

“And you laughed when Joe fell in Philly last week!”

“So, who are you? Why are you everywhere with them?”

“I…um….” I started. My brain was buzzing. I couldn’t process everything. Why was anyone paying attention to me?

“Are you one of their girlfriends?” one urgently asked. The crowd physically moved closer, waiting for my answer. Is this what it was like to be a girlfriend? Did Danielle ever get chewed out? This is what Tiff wanted so badly?

“NO! No, no way. I’m just…” A friend? An intern? A reporter? Something more…? Or something less? “I…I uh… I… have….” And I ran. I ran until I was safely on the next block, not that any of them could really chase me unless they wanted to lose their spot in line, but I needed to get out of there. 

What the fuck was that? I never asked to be a person of interest. I didn’t want to be a person of interest. I was just a fucking intern. One summer, that’s all I asked for. One summer of writing about a band. Never did I think that I would have to be prepared to be drilled by obsessive fangirls. They post about me? They noticed I was at the shows? They saw me and Kevin out at the Hall of Fame? Something about all of this made me very, very uneasy.

I stepped into the Starbucks and deftly moved around the tables and leather seats, laying my eyes on a young woman, slightly older than myself with auburn hair, her blue eyes focused on the papers she was reading, her ever present scarf splaying out over her black leggings, paired with black boots and a red top. Ever the fashionista, she was a sight for sore eyes.

“Do you print out the stories now?” I asked gently as to not scare her. She flinched anyway and jumped out of her seat, a smile spreading across her face and pulling me into a hug. 

“No, I leave all that on the internet. This is some manuscript by some wannabe writer. God awful. How are you?” she asked all very fast. I chuckled a bit to myself. I couldn’t believe how much I had missed being around someone who has known me for more than a few weeks. Steph and I had met years before, at first just mutual fans of Muse. But, after meeting in person at the Wembley show, she quickly had become my best friend. And right now, I really needed my best friend.

“Tired, exhausted even. But excited to see you,” and I gave her another hug, needing to cling onto someone, or something, that wasn’t in flux. She reciprocated the gesture before packing up the manuscript, settling back into her seat, prompting me to take the one next to her, “Confused too. When did my life because something of interest?”

“My guess would be the day you put on an honorary pair of mouse ears, but I’m guessing you have more news for us to pour over?”

“Not really, and yes at the same time,” I mulled over her question. It was true, there was plenty to talk about, what with the intimacy of the morning, Nick’s sudden maturity, not to mention the fangirls tracking my every move. But then again, minus the fangirls, part of me didn’t want to talk about the other stuff. Nick was right, I needed to stop over analyzing Joe’s every move and intention, plus I wanted Steph to form her own opinion of the guys as much as she could, “I want you to meet them and see what they’re like.”

Steph just kind of looked at me over the rim of her coffee cup. I knew what she was thinking, she knew that I was hiding stuff from her, but being the kind of friend that she was, she didn’t press the subject. After a long sip, she finally stated, “I’m sure I’ll like them, Mandy, don’t worry.” And that was that. We chatted for a few minutes about her job, her family and our mutual friends, how long it had been since we had last seen each other, and her current writing projects. That’s how I had gotten into writing, by talking with her online and swapping little stories. She had gone on to become an editor and I went into journalism, two similar but very different sides of the computer. Still, if I ever needed a fresh pair of eyes on anything I’ve written, Steph is my go-to. 

My phone buzzed in my purse and I fished it out, reading the text on the screen and furrowing my brow at it. Steph just waited patiently for me to explain my puzzled expression.

“Sorry, it’s Joe. He says that we should head back soon if we wanted to get settled before they start letting people in,” I explained, shooting back a quick text that we would be back in 10 minutes.

“And? Why do you look so confused?” She asked, packing her own bag and standing with me. With a push of the top button, I put the phone to sleep and slipped it back into my pocket, not loving the fact that he had, once again, thrown at curveball at me. 

“Because I never gave Joe my number.”

The walk back to the venue was longer than the one earlier, mainly because now that I had Steph by my side, I didn’t feel like such a little kid who was just trying to hide. The same girls as before tried to stop me again, yelling that I said I was a girlfriend, but I did my best to just ignore them. Steph, however, found it all to be very amusing as she tried not to laugh until security let us in the door.

“Really? If only they actually knew…” she she finally let it out, leaning up against the wall of the narrow hallway, “Is that how the fans are? Jesus Christ, Mandy, I don’t know how you deal with the insanity.” 

“Not all of them are like that, and I had no idea I was being tracked until today, just before I came to meet you. They stopped me and asked me questions, they have forums and everything, and pictures of me. They know that I’ve been traveling with them but they don’t know why and they are getting very upset. It’s all really bizarre,” I explained, not loving the fact that the fangirls keep such close tabs on me. It wasn’t exactly something I ever expected, to be the subject of so much speculation. As far as I was concerned, I was part of the crew, no more special than Big Rob.

But, that was the catch, wasn’t it? I was in a very different position than anyone else who was involved in their lives. The crew, the band, they all left at night and continued on their way. Garbo or Jack, they didn’t go to the interviews or the radio stations. Big Rob didn’t go to their house and the batting cages. Hell, even Danielle didn’t get to be around them 24/7, and I’m sure she would prefer it if she could be. The fact was that I was special and interesting, with or without the madness that was coming toward us right this moment.

“Oh good, you’re back,” Joe stated as he made his way over to Steph, “and who is this?” 

“This is my friend Stephanie, she’s here for the show tonight as my guest. Steph, this is Joe.” 

“Ah, so this is the Joe I’ve heard so much about,” She stated as she shook his hand, looking over at me with a face that said that she was going to make my life miserable. I sighed and closed my eyes, bracing myself for the inevitable. 

“Really, what have you heard about me?” and he turned to me also, and I knew in this moment that he would never let me live it down. 

“Nothing, nothing, not really,” I interrupted, taking Steph by the arm and moving past him and down the hall, opening up to the lobby, which had been set up with merch booths and other paraphernalia, “So, why did you want us back so fast?” 

Joe followed close behind us, not ready to let either of us go just yet. “No, I really kind of want to know what you’ve told our new friend here,” he stated, half serious, half joking. The bottom of my stomach opened up. It wasn’t like I could exactly tell the truth in any capacity here, because the truth was either 1) how horrible he had been to me or 2) the sudden turn in his attitude towards me since the kiss. 

“All good things, about how energetic and fun the shows have been, and how amazing your family has been to her,” Steph covered for me in the most genuine way possible. I let myself smile and nod, not because she had gotten me out of something, but because her “lie” was actually pretty close to the truth. Joe looked between the two of us, not entirely convinced, but too bored to press any further. 

“We thought it might be better to get you back now. Doors are opening in about an hour and we didn’t want you to have to fight your way back in again,” he answered as his phone rang in his pocket. One look on the screen and his face said it all. 

“Don’t answer it,” I pleaded, my voice just above a whisper, but the empty lobby carried it everywhere, and the embarrassment flooded my cheeks. I didn’t know why I said it, it’s not like I cared about who Joe talked to, but when he read who it was, he looked so sad and helpless, and I didn’t want him to suffer anymore. These boys had gotten under my skin, and I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt them.

“I have to… She has to know that she can’t call me until I get back to LA…”

“And even then? Why does she have to call you at all?” And all I got was a look of minor frustration, like I couldn’t possibly understand his life and Tiff’s involvement in it. Excusing himself from the two of us, he took the call and all I could do was shake my head.

“What was that all about?” Steph asked, pulling me back into the present. I took a deep breath and lowered my head, wishing I could explain the trap that boy was falling into. 

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry.” It was a shit response and she knew it, but there was nothing that could be done. I wouldn’t cross the line at divulging the boys’ personal lives, not when it didn’t involve me. Steph nodded, at least understanding the situation I was in. All the stuff about Miley or Dani, that didn’t matter to me at all, even though there was no way I could write about them. But here was my best friend, lost in the conversation, when she was supposed be telling me what she thought of this guy that has made my life a complete mess. I knew deep down that I could trust her with this sort of information, but still, it wasn’t my place to tell. “Come on, I want you to meet Kevin and Nick, and you have to meet Garbo.”

The two of us moved from the lobby down to the show floor where a stripped down version of the stage was set up. Being that this was a secret show, they obviously couldn’t bring all the pyro and the lifts, but they did pretty well with a screen behind them and some lights. The venue itself could only hold 900 people, so anyone who made it in was going to have a great view. Yes, the full production was certainly something to experience, but it was small shows like this that really proved that someone had talent. Those girls waiting outside were in for something special tonight. 

Denise came out and introduced herself, presenting Steph with a limited access pass. Basically, she had to stick with me the entire time. Not that Steph really wanted to go anywhere, she didn't even like their music. I was slightly embarrassed to admit at it had grown on me, and it was going to be difficult to not sing along like I had grown to do. The rest of the band is who we met next and I could tell she had her eye on Garbo right away. Of course, he was a great guy and she was my best friend, but I could only shake my head at her flirting. Maybe if we had more time in New York, but not now. 

"Okay, you two, Steph and I should probably figure out where we're going to hang out tonight, and you guys might want to get warmed up," I interrupted, and I knew that I was going to have a flurry of emails after this from her, wanting to know everything she possibly could find out about him. The band said their goodbyes and we took our spots on the side in front of the stage, out of the way enough so that I didn't fuel anymore rumors of who I was, but close enough that we could get a good show. 

Shortly after, the doors opened, girls running to the barrier out of habit, not knowing that every spot would be good. Then again, the chance to touch one of their golden boys is too good to pass up. I was strangely nervous for this. I wanted Steph to like them, even though I know she wouldn’t really enjoy the music. The show was pretty impressive but she needed to like the guys. They were becoming important to me. 

“Mandy, we’re the oldest ones here who don’t have children with them…” Steph pointed out, not really helping my nerves. I really just wanted the lights to go down and for it to all start.

“I’m aware. I usually am at these shows,” I informed her, taking a small step back into the shadows. A few of the girls on the barrier were whispering and gesturing towards me. Steph rolled her eyes and stepped back with me.

“Don’t worry about them, they don’t know shit and you know it. They don’t know you, Mandy. Remember the Muse forums, how stupid we were, speculating everything? That’s what these girls do, and you’re just someone new for them to obsess over.” She was right, but I still wasn’t exactly comfortable with the thought of an entire part of the fandom wanting to find out every little thing about me. 

The lights went down and the screams when up, way, way up. In the small space, it was almost deafening. The boys came out simply, walking across, starting into “That’s Just the Way We Roll.” It was kind of fun to see them for what they really could do without all the stage design and the choreographed moves, when it was just them and the audience. They lit up the stage, feeding off the energy in the room, and they had their undivided attention. Everyone was singing along, myself included, and although I could tell Steph was being critical, she was amused by the hysteria around her. 

After a few more high energy songs, the boys sat on three stools in the middle of the stage, Kevin with a mandolin, and John stepping forward, almost like a little jam session. 

“Now, how many of you came to see us on the Burning Up tour?” Nick asked, and received screams in confirmation. The boys glanced at each other, smiling, one of those moments that they never really got over. The love and admiration of their fans, that’s all they really wanted out of all of this. They liked making people happy, “Thank you very much, but we’re going to do some things a little different tonight, and we hope that you all like it.”

“I think they will, I think we have some lovely girls in the audience tonight,” Joe finished, his eyes meeting mine from on stage, giving me a small wink and a smile all my own. I got an elbow to the ribs from Steph for that as Kevin started plucking out the first few notes of “Lovebug,” which sent the audience into a frenzy. All I could do was bite my lower lip and try to suppress a smile. As soon as Nick started singing, the audience went with him, reciting his every word. The boys didn’t even need to sing, the girls were doing it for them, and not badly either. I was actually impressed. Usually any type of sing along devolved into incoherent screams, but these girls knew how special this night was. 

“Now I’m speechless, over the edge, I’m just breathless, I never thought that I’d catch this Lovebug again…” Joe sang with ease, completely in his element. There were so many facets to these guys, so many different spaces that they occupy. They were Rock Stars, and they were teenagers, and they were entertainers, complete gentlemen, and even some poor girl’s sexual awakening, but this, this moment, being on stage, happily singing, this was Joe. Right now, they weren’t the Jonas Brothers. They were Kevin, Joe, and Nick, singing a song for you, as easy as if it were your own backyard. 

“Kissed her for the first time yesterday…” Nick sang and Joe reacted, looking confused and counting on his fingers to seven… Seven days… one week since this kiss. Oh my god, Joe was reacting to us, “Everything I wished that it would be…” Joe met my eyes again, a flirtatious smile and a small nod. I could have melted into the ground right now. He was actually acknowledging what had happened, and in front of everyone. Of course, there were only five people in the whole room of 900+ that knew what he was smiling about. “Suddenly I forgot how to speak…” and he adamantly shook his head no, making some of the girls near the front laugh, except me. I remember it very clearly, he said that he hated me after we kissed. “Hopeless, breathless, baby, can’t you see?”

Of course, he didn't hate me anymore, at least I don't think. Something changed that night for the both of us. Okay, so the thought of me and Joe, maybe that wasn’t such a terrible idea. Then again, it wasn't exactly professional to date your boss, but I think we may be way beyond that now. He was just being so cute up there, singing to me, and with a full house, he had managed to make me feel like the only girl in here. No other guy ever made me feel this special, but then again, no other guy was Joe.

The song finished up and the girls went crazy and I couldn't help but smile at the insanity. It was almost as though we had a secret and these girls would never know, never connect the dots of why Joe was so happy and energetic tonight. Poor girls. They don't know the half of it. A few more songs in, and Nick talking off his blazer, to more deafening screams, and Kevin struck a chord in his guitar, one that I didn't recognize from anything I had heard over the past few weeks. But, once again, the recognition set in for the crowd and the loudest screams of the night came. The type of screams that Steph and I give when it's a rarity. 

"Mandy used to be that girl,   
the one that never said a word,   
but she only sang S Club 7,   
and all those boy bands...   
Now it's been a few years,   
looks like things have changed,  
now she's mine and I want to say

"Mandy always laughs when I act stupid  
I am unaware that I'm a nuance  
But there is never wasted time

Mandy always knows exactly what I'm thinking   
And she's always on my mind.." And Joe turned to me, not caring about the girls who were practically climbing over the barrier,  
"And I'm never gonna let her go  
'Cause Mandy always knows..."

What the actual fuck. Where the fuck did this song come from? It can't be recent, or else I would have heard them working in it, and the fans wouldn't be singing along. They've had a song called Mandy this entire time and I had no idea. But, then again, the first time I met them, Kevin had explained that they had a friend named Mandy. Still, it wasn't often that you got sung a song with your name in it by the people who wrote it. 

"Is this really happening right now?" Steph asked at my ear, and I just had to shrug. Joe wanted to sing to me, so I was going to let him and enjoy the experience, fans be damned. The ones who were close to me could tell that the song was meant for me, only giving them more fuel for their forums. Whatever. Like what Steph said, they don't know shit. "Looks like you've got yourself s not so secret admirer."

The song finished up and even I cheered, all three of them looking our way with stupid grins on their faces. I had to admit, it was nice to know that my only choice wasn't Barry Manilow. They kicked into another high energy song, but I couldn't really focus on the show itself anymore. My only thought was how I couldn't wait to have Joe to myself for an entire day in London.

****************

The show finished up and the fans filtered out, a few of them clamoring for a set list or the left over pics. I walked Steph back out to the street, hugging her tightly. She was the last bit of normal for a few months.

"Mandy, you need to get in," was all she said, and I nodded in understanding. That was approval for her, saying that I needed to sleep with him. Of course, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon, but the sentiment was all the same. “I’ll email you when I get a chance, and let me know if anything major happens. Give me a call when you get back to the States.”

It was all kind of bittersweet. I wanted her to like him so badly, and now that I knew she did, it made everything so much more real. I suppose my last line of denial was gone. I had no excuse anymore, I liked Joe, there was no way around it. But it still didn't mean that anything could happen. After all, I hadn’t agreed to do this internship because I wanted to find a boyfriend. I had gone through four years of college without a boyfriend, I wanted to be independent, to work hard and be taken seriously for who I am. Just because I had a crush, none of that changed. Joe didn’t change anything.

Making my way back in, Joe headed me off in the lobby.

“There you are! We gotta go if we’re going to make to England by the morning, and on the way, you’re sitting next to me and spilling everything you told Steph about me,” he teased, draping an arm across my waist.


	7. Pokerface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This city isn't like New York or Chicago or LA. This city isn't a skyrise. this city isn't it's economy. This city is so old and interesting and limitless. It's so new and modern and cutting edge. I mean, we walked on streets that have been there since before America was even a thought and we rode on the best transportation system in the world. This place has survived blitzes and bombs on buses. This city is under constant threat, if it's not the Death Eaters it's the Daleks. This city celebrates art and history and culture more than any other city I have ever been to and yet still manages to feel personal enough that every time I'm here, I feel like I'm coming home. And you better believe that in two days, when we leave this city, I will be sitting in that car, earphones in, holding back tears while I listen to 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' because that's what I do when I leave London because I love it so much. And I just wanted you to see this," I finished, blinking back tears and my voice threatening to betray me. I stared out over the blackened sky. The silence between us hung so heavy that I was sure he was just going to get up and walk away rather than bear it's weight. There was no way he could understand.

Denise and Kevin Sr went to bed pretty much as soon as we hit the air, but the four of us stayed up talking, dwindling down until it was just Joe and me. True to his word, he asked what I had told Steph, and I decided to be brave and tell him that she knew about the kiss. I wanted so badly to ask him why he did it, what had changed for him since then, basically why he was being nice to me now. But, being how I am, I was too chicken shit to actually ask, instead settling with being okay that we were no longer fighting. Still, it surprised me when he pointed out that we had been talking for nearly four hours.

If you ever have to go through Immigration, it really is best to do it with celebrities. As soon as I woke up, I was dreading having to go through the cattle crawl of ropes and lines, but instead, an officer met us on the plane, verified and stamped our passports, and in less that ten minutes, we were finished and in an SUV, on our way into central London. I was wired, mostly from a lack of sleep, but also in part that I didn’t want to spend a single moment missing this incredible city. I strained my neck to look out the window; seeing the familiar sights made my heart so full it could burst. I couldn’t wait get out and be in the city again, to feel like myself again. 

The car pulled up to Hotel 41 and even I was impressed. Being a broke college student, the fanciest place I ever stayed was sleeping on the floor of my aunt's hotel room once, but this was a whole different world. A bellhop opened the car door for us as two others were loading up the luggage onto carts. "Welcome, Mr. Jonas, Mrs. Jonas, Miss Achter," once greeted as we stepped inside, "The executive suite is ready and waiting," and I was handed a keycard. I don't know if I was just so deliriously sleepy or if they really were that efficient, but it didn't seem to matter anyway. The lobby was done in a traditional English hunting club, with a roaring fire, despite it being June, plush rugs, and deep leather chairs for reading. An elevator with brass doors greeted us and swept the whole party up to the top floor, where we had to use our keycard to make the door open. The door opened to a huge suite and it seemed like we had the entire floor to ourselves. 

"Whoa," was all Kevin said, and whoa was right. The living room was done up in airy white and gray, with classic black accents. There was a private sitting area by the fireplace, more of a family area with large plush couches around a tv, and a large dining table, more than enough room for us all. 

"Okay, so your father and I are in the master, Kevin and Joe in a room, Nick, you and Frankie to a room, and Mandy gets her own," Denise instructed as the bell hops moved around us, bringing in fresh flowers and unloading our luggage to our particular rooms. 

"Why does Mandy get her own room, I want my own room," Frankie pouted, and Nick just ruffled his hair, picking him up and bringing him down the hall. 

"Get used to it, little bro. You'll never have your own room.”

“If it’s 9 am here, what time is it in New Jersey?” Kevin asked, messing around with his phone. I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“4 am,” I said, not wanting to think that I only managed to get two hours of sleep into me. That was Joe’s fault anyway. I would have passed out on the plane if he hadn’t kept me up. I really wanted a nap, badly. But, at the same time, a nap would just cut into our day, and I couldn’t bare the thought of that. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, “Joe, did you want to freshen up or take a shower or anything before heading out today?”

His head popped up from the other side of the couch, his whole body taking up the length of it. 

“What? Um, yeah, I’m going to shower and change really quick. Give me maybe, 20 minutes?” he answered as he rubbed his eyes, obviously just as tired as I was, but at least he seemed more open and excited about the prospect of being dragged around London. I nodded and headed to my room, flicking on the light and closing the door behind me.

The sight was so beautiful I nearly shed a tear. A bed. A real bed. A nice, big, king sized bed, all for me. Walking across the room, I simply let myself fall face first into the pristine white conformer. Oh god, it was like a cloud. It was so soft, it just molded to me and hugged me. The blankets were hugging me. I just laid there for a few minutes, letting my eyes close just for a moment…

Knock knock at my door. My head jerked up, a small pool of drool on the blanket. 

“I’m up!” I called, giving myself away completely. I had fallen asleep, even for just a few minutes. Unpacking my things, I found the wrap dress that I had been saving and quickly tied myself into it, exchanging my usual gym shoes for cute blue flats, and brushed my hair up into a high ponytail. A little makeup and you could barely tell that I was jet lagged beyond belief right now. Grabbing my purse, I made my way back out to the living room, where Joe was sitting at the dining table, typing something out on his phone. My stomach did a little flip when I saw him. He had changed into black skinny jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt, his black beanie, and a black leather jacket, with his sunglasses hanging from his shirt. He was the epitome of cool, and he looked way too cool to be hanging out with me. I needed to stop these thoughts if I was going to maintain any sort of professional relationship with him. There was no way he could ever know that I might like him.

“Let me guess, you just laid down for one second…” he teased, standing to greet me.

“It’s not my fault. The blankets had finally accepted me as their own and if I got up, I would lose their trust,” I explained, slinging my purse across my body, “You ready to get your London on?” God, I was so lame. 

“As long as our very first stop is a Starbucks, then yes, I can’t wait to be shown London by somebody who loves it,” and he smiled to me, and I couldn’t help but mirror him. 

We said our goodbyes to the rest of the family and left the hotel, stopping right in front of it for a moment so that I could get my bearings. It was a bright blue sky, only a few clouds out, and the city was already in full swing. See, I never got those people that say that it always rains in England. Yes, it rains, and yes, its can be gray, but it also could have perfect days like this one, and I loved that we didn’t need to bring umbrellas too. Pointing to my left, I lead the way down the street, Joe keeping pace with me the whole way. 

“We’re heading to Victoria Station first, where I know there is a Starbucks, and it’s a good hub for where we’re headed,” I informed him, and he just nodded, probably not really caring about what we did today, “Was there anything you wanted to do?"

"How can you be so ramped up right now?" He asked, trying to hold back a yawn as we entered the busy station. People were everywhere, as per usual at the train stations in London, and it was so easy to get lost in them. I had stayed near Victoria before, so I was fairly confident getting around, but Joe looked completely overwhelmed. It was interesting to me, how he could easily sing for 20,000 people, but the thought of having to take public transportation freaked him out. I held out my hand to him and he took it, visibly relaxing.

"I'm absolutely exhausted, Joe," and I smiled, turning myself around to lead the both of us through the crowds, weaving between groups of people trying to figure out which train platform they needed. Soon enough, we arrived at the Starbucks, which was thankfully fairly empty. The sweet smell of coffee wafted through the air, and even just the aroma of up perked me up. I never wanted coffee so much.

"What's your poison?" He asked as he ordered a double shot. 

"Usually I like whiskey, but right now, I would kill for a white chocolate mocha," and I went for my wallet to get some cash, but before I could take it out, Joe was already handing the barista his credit card. I opened my mouth to protest...

"It's on me. You're being kind enough to show me around, so coffee and lunch are on me today, Mandy." I couldn't really argue that and instead smiled appreciatively. He was trying to be a gentleman, it was adorable. 

Once we were both adequately caffeinated, we wove our way back through the main station and down to the Underground. I helped him choose which travel card to get, one that would last us the whole day, and I topped up my Oyster card. I had been really conflicted where I wanted to bring him today, and I had changed my plan at least three times over the past 24 hours. Joe had been to London before, obviously, and usually that's when people do all the touristy stuff, like the Eye or the Changing of the Guard. I didn't think he cared to see that type of stuff again, plus I didn't exactly want to put him in that kind of public position, where fans may interrupt our day together. 

The train sped us through the city, switching at Kensington, up to Knightsbridge. Knightsbridge is a very, very posh part of the city, and Joe being into fashion and anything cool, I thought he might enjoy spending some time, and maybe some money, at the greatest department store in the world: Harrods.

"Whoa," was all he said and I couldn't help but smile. For someone who didn't say anything about our hotel, he was certainly impressed with the stone building that was as big as a city block in front of us. 

"Ever been?" I asked as we walked along the windows, taking in exactly what could be behind the glass doors.

"No, never. What can we find here?" He said as he held the door open for me. The room opened up to the main floor, the designer men's clothing. I don't think I have ever seen someone’s eyes get so wide before.

"Everything. They say if you can't find it at Harrods, you can't find it anywhere," I explained. And it was true, they really do have everything. All the top designers were here, not just the ones you would find back home in the mall, but the ones that you would hear about at award shows. Each one had their own area; stacks of luggage from Louie Vuitton and Coach, custom tailoring from Calvin Klein, shoes from Alexander McQueen. Joe was a kid in a candy store, and he had a credit card. I could see his fingers itching to touch the clothes, and I couldn't help but think that I was going to get him into a ton of trouble. 

"Do you see this suit? This would have been a killer suit for the awards," he gushed. I've never seen a guy fangirl, or rather fanboy, before, but it was kind of hilarious. It was a navy suit, 100% Italian wool by someone I couldn't even pronounce.

"I'm sure you're going to look fantastic, no matter what you wear," I complimented, knowing that I was toeing a dangerous line. It was going to be hard to be nice and not flirty with him, especially when he liked to flirt right back with me. It was nice just to have someone show a slight interest in me. 

We moved from room to room, holding our breath in the perfumery, and skipping the cosmetic counters all together. I waited patiently as he tried on what must have been at least 20 pairs of shoes, deciding on two pairs, and he told me how he was getting them just to make Kevin jealous. He added a new leather belt to match the shoes, and sunglasses, another pair of sunglasses to go with the billions of others that I knew he had. I had to admit, it was kind of fun watching him shop, but I was itching to talk to him more, to actually get to know him, and stories of picking out their tour outfits weren't very interesting. 

"Mandy, you know what would be fun? You should try something on that you would never ever dream of actually getting," he challenged, much to my protests, "What? Come on, how often do you get to see things like this? It could be anything, like..." And he looked around the women's couture until he found the exact dress I would never have the courage to try on, "This."  
He held up a bright red, Herve Leger bandage dress. The dress that was famous for showing off every curve and flaw on one's body. I didn't have curves, I had hips and liked to eat food, a lot. 

"No, no, no, no... No way, Joe."

"Yes, yes, yes, Mandy. I'm not saying that if you touch it you buy it, it's just something fun. You've been listening to me ramble on and buy stuff, and this is your day too. Come on, loosen up," he practically begged and all I could do was roll my eyes. I was loose, I've gotten plenty loose since I started. But, at the same time, he had a point with not seeing things like this every day. 

"Fine, whatever. I'll try it on," and I snatched the hanger out of his hand, wanting to smack the stupid smile off his face.

"Oh, and don't forget to come out and show me!" He called after me as the attendant showed me to the dressing room. I turned back over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at him. The employees here had to know that I couldn't afford this dress ever, and that I had no business trying it on. I was no one, and I was content with the $40 American Apparel dress I was currently wearing. Still, to the girl's credit, she treated me like I actually could afford the dress, helping me zip it up the back, and going to get some black, strappy heels to match, so I wasn't walking out barefoot. The dress wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, and it did an amazing job of creating curves out of nothing. Hell, it even made it look like I had cleavage. This was not going to help the present situation, showing Joe.

I gingerly stepped out of the dressing area to find Joe sitting on a cushy bench, playing with his phone. Clearly, he wasn't interested, so I turned on my toe, literally, and started to walk back to the room.

"Whoa, whoa, wait!" He called, and I shook my head no. He had his chance and he wasn't paying attention, so I wasn't going to humiliate myself in front of him. Standing from the bench, he followed me in, not giving a shit if there were other women in the rooms, and a gentle hand clasped around my upper arm, spinning me around to face him. His mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out.

"This was a stupid idea, Joe. I look insane," I said, feeling my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach. He was used to girls who dressed in clothes like this all the time, who could understand his life, who had the confidence and the bodies to match. I was just the intern. 

"No!" He said quickly, taking me off guard, "No, it wasn't, and you certainly don't look insane." He stepped back, taking me in, and I felt really uncomfortable, almost like I was naked. I mean, he could see everything, this dress was not a forgiving one. 

"Can I change back now?" I whined and he rolled his eyes a little.

"Yes, go ahead, but just so you know, you look great."

Great. I look great. Not sexy, or beautiful, or even hot. I look great. That was an adjective that was used for a haircut, or when you clean your room. Not when trying on a $1,000 plus dress. I suppose it was for the best though, that Joe didn't find me attractive. Joe and I could never happen, and it was no use trying to feed the flames. With a little sadness, I changed back into normal, Midwestern, boring Mandy, thanking the attendant for her time and effort. When I came back out, he was back on the bench, texting away again, which is a little odd, being that none of us had phone service here. 

"Who are you texting?" I asked, probably more harshly than I was allowed. I probably wasn't even allowed to ask that question in the first place.

"I'm e-mailing Kevin about tomorrow night," he stated, slipping the device back in his pocket, "There is wifi here." I just nodded in understanding. It was easy to forget sometimes that this was not a vacation for them, that the boys were still working up until tomorrow night. Nick and Kevin were doing some phone interviews today, and even though Joe a was here with me, there was still business to take care of back at the hotel. CEO's didn't get a day off. 

We wandered around the store a little more, stopping to play at the Apple kiosk, and I broke down and bought a new handbag and wallet in the Harrods shop, which, I wouldn't lie, made me feel a lot better about bringing him here. Soon enough though, it was getting to lunchtime, and being that we had no sleep in us, I was dying for some food.

"I was thinking that we could go right down the street to Harvey Nichols, there is this place called Yo! Sushi there," I explained as we made our way back out to the street. 

"Sushi sounds fantastic right now," and I smiled, leading him over to the store and up to the top floor, taking a seat in a comfortable booth that was a little out of the way. His eyes lit up as he watched the colorful orbs move along the conveyer belt, the chefs adding more and more rolls as room permitted. I loved coming here, you were only limited by how much you wanted to spend, and I wasn't paying this time, "So you just grab what you want off the belt?"

"Yep, and each plate color is a different price. Then at the end, they come count your plates and add it all up," I explained as I grabbed two rolls off the belt. 

"Oh god, a guy could get fat doing this..." And he grabbed three plates of all different rolls, looking them up in the little menu books at the table, "This is insanely cool." He started off with some edamame for the both of us, some sashimi, and a roll, and I took off a spicy salmon roll and a Philadelphia roll. Now that we were sitting, I hadn't realized how hungry I really was, and that we hadn't eaten since the plane. I think Joe had the same thought because he tore through his first portion, taking more food off the belt.

I should have been asking him questions. That was, after all, the entire purpose of this day, to get to know him and have something to write about. But, I didn't really know what to ask. Kevin and Nick's had been so natural and easy, that the thought of having an interview with Joe was a little bit disheartening. 

"So, now that you've been with us for a little bit, how are you finding life on tour?" He broke, pulling me out of my own thoughts. 

"Hey, aren't I supposed to ask the questions?" I teased, thankful that he started the conversation, "It's..." And I really wasn't that sure what to say. I don't feel like I've had a full tour experience, but at the same time, I don't know if I would survive a full tour, "It's what I expected, but at the same time, not. I expected late nights and early mornings, coffee, rehearsals, things like that. But I didn't expect the family that comes out of experiences like this, and not just your actual family."

"Yeah, it's definitely one of those things where you go home and the day after, when you wake up in your own bed, and no one is around, you feel really weird. For so long, you had all these people around you, someone to listen or just goof off, and then they are all gone. My brothers will always be there, of course, but you'll see when we get to LA, Nick will bury himself in music, Kevin will constantly be around Dani, and then there's me."

"You? What are you planning on doing when you get home? How do you handle touring?" I couldn't resist asking it. I couldn't imagine living this life all the time. How did Kevin keep a normal relationship? How could I? Joe smiled into the pile of plates that was starting to form.

"I'll let you know when it happens. We haven't had more than a month or so off in over a year, so I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself once we get back to LA. We made this album literally on the bus while touring for the last album. Honestly, the different cities start to blur a bit, but what gets me through it is the crowds, the fans. I could be having a super off day, but once we get up there, the show is the only thing that matters. Still, being home, in my own bed, with my own friends, being able to get in the car and go to the beach or whatever, I can't wait for that."

I caught a hint of sadness during his speech, but I wasn't going to press into it. I got the feeling Joe genuinely enjoyed the craziness that came with touring, all the people and family, but didn't like the schedule that they had to keep. He was an extrovert, but he was also 18. The Mouse Ears were stating to wear heavy on his crown. Going back to LA would allow him to be who he really was. 

"What's surprised you the most? About us, I mean," he threw out there and once again, I felt like I was being interviewed, not him. I had to think for a moment before answering. Sure, there was a lot that was surprising, like that they swore and had girlfriends and had to hide so much of who they were for the sake of their brand, but I didn't think that's what he wanted to know.

"I wouldn't say that much has surprised me, but what I have found remarkable is how... kind and driven everyone is. This wasn't handed to you guys. All of you work so hard all the time, and you weren't made by some producer in a studio looking for the next big thing. You guys have this success because you did it. And everyone is so committed but grounded at the same time. Your mom has become like my own, I know I can go to her with anything I need and she'll be there. Kevin is incredible; he and I are the same age and he's running a company, and doing it no sweat. I would be freaking out if I were in his position. And Nick? He's so mature and wise beyond his years, he's giving me advice and writes these songs like its no big deal. And here you are, fronting this whole operation, giving everything all that you have all the time, and yet you still take time to make a girl feel special," I responded, probably too much too fast. All of it was true though, watching everything and living this insane life, I couldn't help but admire the whole machine. It was impressive. Joe let a small smile form on his lips

"I'm happy you didn't leave, Mandy," was all he said, and he didn't really need to say anything else. I'm happy I didn't leave either. These guys were becoming a new normal for me.

“How do you stay so normal in a very not-normal situation? You have the money and the ability to just kind of fuck off and do whatever you want, what keeps you grounded?" I asked. So many kids in the business end up completely screwed up, or with at least one sex or drug scandal before the age of 20, but I couldn't see that happening to the three of them. Maybe it was everything to do with having loving, involved parents, but Joe was technically an adult now, and could do what he wanted.    
“None of this is normal, Mandy," he started, laughing a little at the question, "I mean, I just bought very expensive shoes just to make Kevin jealous. I’ll probably end up giving them to him anyway…” and he took some custard pancakes off the belt, offering me one. Already, he knew what my favorite dessert here was, “You know they sent a camera crew to our house to do one of those ‘day in the life’ specials? That was the first time this all didn’t feel normal, because it was just our house and how we lived every day. They filmed us setting the table and doing our homework, but then we sang a song on the couch and it was like 'oh shit, these kids have actual talent and want to make music.' From there, it all just got bigger and bigger, and then all of the sudden we were singing with Miley and they’re asking us to put out an album in three months. It’s all happened very, very quickly, which helps, because we still remember where we were two years ago. A chunk of my life isn’t normal, and being able to recognize that helps to separate it from who I am and how I want to live. I know that other 18 year olds don’t fly on their own private jet. We didn’t grow up like this and we don’t need it. At the end of the day, mom still makes us set the table, do our homework, and then we’ll write a song. But I can see how easy it is to lose sight of what normal is. It’s awesome to be able to walk into places and people know who you are, like the hotel this morning, or get into places that I normally couldn’t, like the club we went to. But when you have people saying ‘yes’ to you all the time, when do you finally tell yourself ‘no?’ And I know people like that, or are starting to get like that, who are losing their grip. But I think what really keeps me focused is remembering why we started doing this in the first place. We didn’t want to be famous. We didn’t want to be on tv or on pillows or have dolls in every Target store. We just wanted to make music and have people hear it. I think as long as we are able to do that, everything else is just background noise.”

"You have to get into it for the right reasons. Just like anything, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, you're going to end up hating your life and seeking any way out," I responded, nodding in understanding. The journalist part of me wanted to scratch the surface of the people who are losing their grip, but the bigger part of me let that fall. It wasn't any of my business, and wasn't relevant to Joe. 

"Exactly, and I think that's why those people have those problems and end up like they do, because they have a lot of money, and more freedom, and feel like their invincible, and don't care about the business they are in. We're not stupid, we know this could all be taken from us tomorrow. So, you have to really love what you do. Do you love writing?"

I was taken aback for a moment that the conversation had turned back to me, but it was a good conversation, so I continued, "Yes, more than pretty much anything else. My fingers actually twitch when I have something that needs to get out, and my phone is just littered with notes and ideas that I couldn't keep in my head anymore."

"See? You're going to be successful, I have no doubt about it. You want it too badly to take no for an answer." I had to blush at that. He hadn't even read any of my writing to know if I was any good at it, "You're cute when you're modest."

"Oh shut up," and I waved the waitress over to pay the bill, which ended up being much more than I could afford, mostly because of Joe's huge appetite. Fully stuffed, we made our way back towards touristy London, having to sprint to make it to the train car before it closed. Joe jumped through the door and I followed, falling into him for support as the train started hurtling towards Oxford Circus. His arm wrapped around me so I didn't fall further. He was so warm, his muscles taught from trying to keep balance for both of us, and oh god, did he smell good. Fuck. I looked up at him, embarrassed from my clumsiness, and he looked down, just smiling at me. This was nice, being this close to him, having him take care of me.

"Sorry," I said, the logical part of my brain curb stomping the butterflies in my stomach, and I stood upright, gaining my footing and reaching out to hold onto the pole for support. Joe shrugged it off, letting me retain the last shred of my dignity, and once we got to Oxford Circus, he followed me up to street level, taking in the teaming atmosphere around us.

Weaving our way from shop to shop along Regent street, it was amazing how many hours we could kill just goofing off. These shops were more like Harrods, the crazy designers, but also some stores that I was more used to, just gigantic versions. We tried on sunglasses in Chanel, stupid hats in Topshop, I actually bought some clothes at H&M, and took ridiculous photo booth photos in the Apple Store. I made sure to email the photos to myself and then delete them, just in case, because you never know who used those computers after us. Still, those photos made me a little warm and tingly, if nothing more than a reminder of our great day. The crowds just seemed to get denser as we rounded the corner, the neon signs signaling that we had made it to Piccadilly Circus.

"It's weird to think that we were at the real Times Square just 24 hours ago," I remarked as we walked along the busy street.

"You get used to it. I've had to ask one of the roadies which city we were in before, so you're doing better than me," He explained, taking my hand in his without hesitation. I looked down between the two of us, just briefly, and let a small smile crawl across my lips. I knew he was probably doing it just for the practicality of it, that neither of us was okay with getting lost in the crowd, but the fact that he felt comfortable enough to hold my hand in public seemed like a big step. If someone recognized him, his entire cover would be blown and the fact that he's out with a girl, that would require some major damage control.

“Do you enjoy the traveling?” I asked with ease. The more I walked like that with him, the more comfortable I became with the thought of this being something real and true, that something good was going to happen.

“Yeah, I do. It can get exhausting, especially when you only have two hours of sleep in you…” and he purposely bumped his shoulder into mine, smiling at his cleverness, “But no other job lets us see so much of the world and experience so much.”

“I think I love it so much because it helps expand your world view, that once you've been someplace else, all of the sudden you're a lot more aware of where you fit in, and what is really important,” I responded, my mind suddenly filling with thoughts of us going all over, seeing South America, Rome, Greece, Japan… Stop that, Mandy. Holding hands does not equal anything. In fact, it doesn’t mean shit. 

“Exactly, it makes you want to stand up for something, to do something more. I like making people happy, I like meeting people, I love going to see kids in the hospital or wherever. This is all so much bigger than just us, and I want to give everyone as much as I can.”

“Well, you make me happy, just so you know, and don’t forget to keep something for yourself. You can’t give yourself to everyone else without making sure you’re taken care of first,” I reasoned as we turned the corner, Nelson’s Column coming into view. It was almost as if everything else in the universe simply melted away. Trafalgar Square had always been a special place to me, a place where I really, truly, finally felt like I was in England. It was literally my favorite spot in the whole world. A part of me longed to climb up the monument and take in the city buzzing around me, but I couldn't do it. Not yet. I wanted to save that for later, watch the sun set as the city turns gold.

We stopped at the Tesco that was right there on the corner, picking up some snacks and candy, and me, buying three more bottles of Black Tower. Who knew when I was going to be able to get more? It was still a gorgeous day so instead of walking up the Mall, we opted to stroll along the path of St. James Park. It was pretty incredible how the rest of the city faded away, the only sound being the birds and groups of people enjoying this little slice of paradise. 

"I took my fake Senior photos around here," I remarked, my eyes falling on a picnic in the grass.

"Fake?"

"Yeah, when I studied in Wales, a group of us come over to London for the weekend and had a picnic in this park. It was sunny and lovely here, with the daffodils just starting to bloom, but back home, it had snowed, so we all took 'Senior' photos, like you would for a year book, and posted them to rub the good weather in people's faces," I explained, smiling at the memory, "Daffs are still my favorite flower. I used to buy a bouquet of daffs from the market every week for 50 pence and put them in the kitchen, just to brighten it up a bit."

"Did you like living there, away from everyone?" He asked and I had to stop myself from blurting out that I loved it and that I finally feel like I am home when I'm in this country. 

"Yeah, I did. Don't get me wrong, it was hard, especially at first, but it's like any new situation. You find friends and people you get along with, make your own memories and find new adventures. But I still have friends from that time, and I hope I'll still have friends after all this is over," and I nudged him with my shoulder because I'm a piece of trash. He laughed softly a little bit but got serious again. I could tell that he wasn't just making small talk anymore, he wanted to know things about me.

"What do you plan on doing after your time with us?"

The dreaded "what's next" question. The question all college graduates hated, and here it was, staring me in the face. How was I supposed to know what was next? I knew what I had planned, and what I hoped would happen, but I couldn't predict the future. 

"I had thought that I would submit my article, probably move to New York to find work." It sounded scary even coming out of my mouth. It was such a weak plan, hope I find work in the biggest city in the world. I was going to be eaten alive. It didn't matter how successful Joe said I was going to be, I was going to be a failure.

"Living in New York, that sounds so cool to be able to do. And of course, I will come visit you and crash at your swank apartment," and he nudged me, making me feel better about my comment from earlier. I don't know, when Joe says it, I can't help but believe him, that I will be successful and I will be able to make it. He made it sound so easy. Well, for him, it would be easy. He is already employed, and had more than enough to make rent every month. I was starting from zero. 

We walked along the street in relative silence, just enjoying the company. I had planned on bringing him back up to Victoria Station, then going back down to the river for a cruise while the sun sets. I had never done that, and I hoped he was willing to share that with me.

"Oh look. Here's the hotel," Joe said as he let go of my hand. I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew what was coming, but I wouldn't let it happen without a fight.

"I know. But, come on. We need to hurry if we're going to make it in time for..." I pleaded, my voice going weak as I slowly turned to face him. He dug his hands in his pockets and gave a sad smile.

"Mandy," he started and I needed to tear my eyes from him, "We should go in. It's getting late and tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. We've been out all day and I'm exhausted and not to mention, I have to actually do some work before I fall asleep tonight." I breathed deeply. I didn't want this day to end. Not yet. Not like this. There was still so much we could do together and who knows when the next time would be for me to come back. I breathed this city. I need this city, and here was Joe, taking it away from me with logic. 

"But, Joe…"

"I know. I know there is more to see and believe me, I want to see it. But for me, I'm still working. My break, my vacation doesn't start until after tomorrow night." I slumped my shoulders in defeat. There was no winning with him, ever. I slowly nodded and entered the glass door that he so politely held open for me. We rode the lift in silence and I unlocked the door to the suite. Nick and Kevin sat on the couch, flipping through the television. I caught a glimpse of a rerun of Doctor Who but even that couldn't make me stay and chat. I bid them all a weak goodnight and exited to my room, depositing my bags on the floor, collapsing into bed. 

I could have stayed out, you know. I've done it before. I've walked the streets of London at midnight or later alone and been fine. This was the one city, the one city all tour that I was not afraid of getting lost. I wasn't afraid of anything here. 

I pulled myself together and stripped off my tights, fished the bottle of Black Tower out of one of the Tesco bags and left my computer alone as I opened the door and stepped out onto the balcony. Today wouldn't be written about. Today needed to be reflected first.

A portion of the London skyline greeted me, lights illuminating the residences and the arc of the Eye helped me get my bearings. It was still warm yet but I knew that in due time it would get cold enough to require a jacket. I planned to be pretty buzzed before then. I pulled the cork out of the bottle and settled upon the concrete, letting the sweet liquor run down my throat. 

This place was my home. Yes, Chicago would always technically be my home, but London was my home of my choosing. And I just thought… I don't know. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, if Joe saw me here… he would see me. I always said that I could never seriously be with a guy until we went to London together because then he would know me. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe Joe's seen everything that he wants to see in me and maybe I just don't fit into what he needs or wants. He needed someone who could follow him around in this crazy life, and I had my own plans, plans that wouldn't change just because of him. Maybe everything I thought I felt was just me trying too hard. But I thought, I really thought that if I could just show Joe London how I see it, he would see me how I want him to.

"Chip?" Joe asked from just inside my balcony door. I snapped myself out of my thoughts and looked up. He was standing there, offering me a container of french fries. But these weren't regular fries, these were thick cut, drizzled in vinegar proper British chips. Horribly unhealthy but just as delicious. 

"Yeah, sure," I said as I took one. He came out onto the balcony and sat next to me, chips and wine between us. I munched on a few more as I went back to my silence. I took a swig from the bottle and absentmindedly offered it to him. He took it. I didn't say anything. Neither did he. It only made me like him more.

"What's so interesting in your head?" he asked gently, genuinely trying to start a conversation. God forbid I should tell him that it was himself that was racing through my lobes. 

"The city. This city."

"What about it?"

"This city is amazing,"

"I've had an incredible day with you, but I think we would have just as much fun if we were someplace else." I knew he was trying to be sweet, but it upset me. Even after everything, he just didn't get it. 

"This city isn't like New York or Chicago or LA. This city isn't a skyrise. this city isn't it's economy. This city is so old and interesting and limitless. It's so new and modern and cutting edge. I mean, we walked on streets that have been there since before America was even a thought and we rode on the best transportation system in the world. This place has survived blitzes and bombs on buses. This city is under constant threat, if it's not the Death Eaters it's the Daleks. This city celebrates art and history and culture more than any other city I have ever been to and yet still manages to feel personal enough that every time I'm here, I feel like I'm coming home. And you better believe that in two days, when we leave this city, I will be sitting in that car, earphones in, holding back tears while I listen to 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' because that's what I do when I leave London because I love it so much. And I just wanted you to see this," I finished, blinking back tears and my voice threatening to betray me. I stared out over the blackened sky. The silence between us hung so heavy that I was sure he was just going to get up and walk away rather than bear it's weight. There was no way he could understand. I lightly closed my eyes and a tear slowly descended down my cheek.

His hand lightly cupped my face, his thumb wiping away the trail the tear left. He gently turned my head towards his and forced me to look into his eyes. There was something there, something behind them. Something I don't even think he recognized, but he looked at me differently, though I couldn't place it. 

"Thank you," he whispered, "Thank you so much for today," and he let me put my head on his shoulder, taking my hands in his and lacing our fingers together, letting me cry softly. I expected too much out of today and this was all I was going to get.


	8. Untouched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to say that it was like She’s All That, because I didn’t want it to be like that at all. I wanted to think that I could put myself together for a night out. After all, I had done pretty well the night we all went to the club. But this, this was a different level. The dress fit exactly as it did the day before, but somehow better, tighter, shaping me in a way that made me finally feel like the cool, confident 21 year old that I knew lived inside of me this whole time. I was sexy without being slutty. I didn’t want to just turn Joe’s head, I wanted him to snap his neck to get a look at me.

The smooth black satin corset hugged me tightly, creating curves up from my hips, my cleavage being front and center, just how he liked me. I sat on the edge of the bed, anxiously waiting for him to use me, to mold me to his will. We had waited so long for this to actually happen and my body was practically buzzing at the thought of the two of us coming together. Joe entered the bedroom, hair perfectly styled, wearing nothing but black drawstring pants, loose around his waist. My pulse quickened at the sight of him, his toned muscles of his chest tightening as he reached a hand out towards me, his fingers grazing the skin of my neck, forcing my gaze to meet his own.

"You look simply fuckable..." He murmured, his eyes inspecting every inch of me as I stood, "Oh yes, you are mine tonight." The tone of his voice, heavy with lust, shook me to the core and I unconsciously clenched my thighs as his hands found my bare ass. We didn't need words right now, all I needed was his body on mine. A low moan escaped my throat as his lips met the sensitive point on my neck, his tongue setting every nerve on fire. My hands found his skin, my nails tracing a path down the tight skin of his back, leaving little pink trails in their wake. Oh god, I was already there. I had wanted this for so long, my head was swimming, ensnared by the control he had over me. 

Suddenly, I was back on the bed, Joe standing over me. Reaching out to him, my fingers delicately moved up his thigh, massaging him through the thin fabric. He breathed in sharply, his eyes closing lightly as I worked him. My own excitement grew as I felt him harden, not being able to believe that he wanted me. 

"Fuck, Mandy..." He groaned, leaning on top of me, nudging my legs apart with his knee. His lips found my own, crashing hard, the sting of him nipping at my bottom lip etched in my memory, "Please, fuck me, Mandy..."

There was a vibrating from my phone, thoughts of Joe fading away quicker than I could reform them. Struggling to keep him in my bed, I rolled over and felt the sharp pain of my hair being pulled.

"OW! What the fuck?" I said, my eyes barely opening.

"I'm sorry, miss. But I need to examine your hair before I work." I shot up in my bed and pulled the covers up to my chin instinctively. There was a strange, whispy woman in my room, fingering my hair. 

"Who are you and what are you doing in my room?" I almost yelled. She stepped back from my bed indignantly and huffed a little, like I was supposed to know her. 

"Oy! You don't need to be rude about it! I'm Michelle, your hair stylist, so don't piss me off!" she almost yelled back. 

"Hair stylist? For what?" I said, extremely confused, not to mention tired and pissed off. Today was an off day for me. Denise and Kevin Sr. were taking Frankie and Nick to the Tower of London for some living history lessons or something and the rest of us had some downtime.

"For the awards tonight, of course," she said as she climbed back on my bed and played with my hair, "Sorry, but these ends have got to go and your face is framed all wrong. And do you mind if we go a bit darker with the colour? It will bring out your eyes more."

"Awards? You mean the EMA's? The boys are going to that, not me." I said, still confused. 

"No, I was given very strict orders by Mr. Jonas that you are to accompany them to the awards tonight and I am to make you red carpet presentable."

"Okay, you're going to have to be a tad more specific on the Mr. Jonas part. And hey, I may not be Emma Watson, but I clean up well thank you very much," I retorted. 

"Mr. Jonas also said that he knew you were going to say that so..." And she took a breath, her eyes rolling while she remembered exactly what a certain Mr. Jonas said, "while he is sure that you do clean up well, as you put it, it is normal to have stylists work with you for red carpet appearances so just close your mouth and do as you're told."

"Joe?" I asked deadpan.

"Yes, Mr. Joseph Jonas."

"Figures. Do I get any say in this?"

"I think you get to pick out a dress, but she won't come until noon." I thought about this. Red carpet? There were going to be shit tons of other music stars there and little old me, who would have nothing to say to them other than 'I'm a really big fan' and giggle nervously. But, how often would I get a chance to go to an awards show, let alone the EMA's? Probably never again. I could just go, lay low, see everything, get to say I was there, and never be seen. I don't have to strike up a conversation with everyone I see. Plus, it would mean a night hanging out with Joe again.

"Alright. Do what you must," I sighed. Michelle brightened up considerably and rushed around the room, gathering some things. 

"Here," and she pushed the items into my hands, "Go into the loo and change into this. I won't have you messin' up my work by pullin' a shirt over it." What the fuck was I getting myself into? I should have known that Joe would do this to me. He's not exactly one to leave things well enough alone. Slowly, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and got up, bringing the prep package in with me. True to her word, it contained a gray silk robe and..

"It is way too fucking early for this," I yelled, sticking my head around the corner of the bathroom door, finger outstretched, a tiny black thong hanging off of it. However, much to my horror, Joe was leaning against the door frame, munching on a hand full of cereal, wearing nothing but a white tank top and... black drawstring pants. An inaudible noise came out of my mouth and I stashed the thong in the pocket of the robe. 

"Rumor has it, most of the women at these things go commando, but for some reason I don't see you doing that," he answered, a sly smirk forming across his lips.   
"So you admit to thinking of me in a thong, I get it," I shot back from the bathroom, shedding my pajamas and changing into my required undergarments, tying the knot of the robe tighter than I normally would before stepping back out. Michelle led me back over to a directors chair that she set up at the desk, sitting me down before she started to section out my hair.

"Only about as much as you have thought about me in one," he threw at me, along with a piece of frosted mini wheat. It was almost embarrassing how much I had thought about him, not in a thong, but my dream this morning did not help at all. I smiled sarcastically before eating the piece of cereal, "Are you excited for the awards?"

"No. I have no coffee in me, therefore I have no emotions," I stated, completely serious and more than hoping he would get the hint, "Please tell me I'm not the only one being groomed this early?" I knew what the answer was before the words even left my lips. 

"I'm eating and playing Call of Duty. You wanna play?"

"Yes."

"Well you can't because you have to get ready for the awards..." He teased me as he left the room. I really hated him sometimes. It really wasn't fair how men could just roll out of bed, comb their hair, and put on a tux to look good. The day of my brother's wedding, my mom and I had been up since dawn, getting our hair and makeup done, and we come home to get dressed, only to find my brother sitting on the couch in his underwear, watching tv. It was his damn wedding, yet I put in all the effort to look good. 

It was almost like that scene from The Princess Diaries; I had one working on making my hair a dark, chocolate brown and another one at my feet, giving me my first ever pedicure. It was very surreal. I felt bad. These women were doing all this work for only one night, and I didn't even really want to go. I'm sure they were used to higher clientele, or at the very least, more appreciative. I heard the doorbell ring and room service setting up in the living room, the smell of fresh bacon wafting into my room, making my stomach grumble. I didn't even like bacon, but I was so hungry I would take anything right this moment. 

"For you, miss," the waiter said as he stepped in, handing me a Starbucks cup that was still hot, "And these are from Mr. Jonas," while another butler brought in a vase full of gorgeous, butter yellow daffodils, setting them on the side table. My heart melted a bit, the combination of the coffee and the flowers forcing me to feel emotions again. He listened. 

"He fancies you," Michelle commented as I sipped on my drink. White chocolate mocha. God, Joe was good.   
"Really? You think so?" I wondered, still not wanting to dare to think these thoughts myself. It was easier for me to assume that he didn't like me. Rejection hurt, but I could get over that. Having feelings for each other? Now that was scary.

"Oh yes. I've never had a man do anything half as sweet as getting me flowers, and I could see how he was flirtin’ with you, how he looked at you. He couldn't take his eyes off of you. Do you fancy him?" The question was pretty direct, and being that Joe wasn't exactly low profile, I didn't know how to answer that. But, at the same time, Michelle was crazy observant, and I know she would be able to tell if I was lying. Taking a deep breath, I nodded. "Then that settles it, let's make sure you get him tonight."

Michelle and her team proceeded to turn me from a mousey, plain brunette into a deep, rich, sexy brunette and I swore that I would never go back to my natural color. She was right, the color did bring out my eyes, the cool tone complimenting my pale skin, making it look more like porcelain rather than a distinct avoidance of the sun. The nail tech did both my toes and fingers, painting them a matte black on my fingers, and a deep blood red on my toes. She let me have a small break to eat before diving back into my hair. I found Kevin in the living room, having a Skype date with Dani. Pouring myself some cereal, he waved me over to the couch. 

"Dani, this Mandy, our intern/reporter/overall cool girl," Kevin introduced as I waved into the camera. Dani was gorgeous with thin, delicate features, long brown hair that was already styled into beachy curls despite it being only 6 am there, and very New Jersey tanned skin. Kevin beamed with pride, practically bouncing with excitement as being able to talk with her. 

"Mandy! I've heard so much about you!" Dani exclaimed, waving to me, "It's so great to finally meet you."

"And you, it's nice to put a face with a name. I'm sorry I don't look a little more put together, Joe tricked me into coming to the awards tonight and I have a beauty army currently prepping me in my room," I explained, feeling suddenly very self conscious about my wet hair and robe. 

"He was texting me yesterday to see if we could add you to our list," Kevin defended, "He thought you would have a fun time." So that's what they were texting about yesterday. I didn't mind the thought of going, I just wish he would have asked me before making all these arrangements for me. 

"I wish I could be there, but I will get to finally meet you in person in LA," Dani sidestepped. 

"Really? That'll be really fun!" I exclaimed, and I meant it. It will be nice to not be the only girl around this crazy train, plus I know how much Kevin misses her, so having her around will be good overall. 

The door to the elevator opened and out stepped Joe, pulling his white tank top off over his head, giving everyone a glimpse of the beads of sweat that were running down his toned chest and abs, absorbed by the waistband of his athletic shorts. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. My breathing shallowed a bit as my base instincts cried out for attention. The stupid dream last night had started something that my body wasn't able to resolve, so now seeing Joe just made me want to drag him into a bedroom until I was satisfied. He looked over at me and I could feel the blush move over my chest and cheeks, a dead giveaway of what I was thinking. 

"Hey Dani," he greeted as he walked over to us on the couch, leaning over the back right between myself and Kevin. Oh god, even his sweat smelled good. 

“Hey Joe. How was the gym?" She asked, clearly not put off by his shirtless state. 

"It was pretty good, got a good five mile run in on the treadmill. I see you've met our Cinderella here, getting ready for the ball tonight," he joked.

"I hate you," I interjected

"No you don't," he responded, looking over at me, a hint of amusement in his eyes, "Anyway, we're all excited to see you in a few days." No, I couldn't do this. I couldn't let my hormones get the best of me. I couldn't help it though. He knew exactly what he was doing to me, that's why he did it. He wanted to tease me. Well, Joe Jonas, you messed with the wrong girl. I don't know how, but I will torture you too.

I excused myself after that, needing to put as much distance between me and Joe as I could. Luckily, the girls were ready for me to continue with their work. Michelle trimmed my hair, reshaping the front so that it complimented my face better, instead of just loose thin curtains. She also curled it, modernizing it and giving it movement. It was amazing how a simple haircut and dye job could change how you felt about yourself. I did generally like myself, but I liked my thoughts, my talents and abilities. I always thought I was okay looking, but never beautiful, not without a ton of work, and certainly not sexy. But seeing what these small changes could do was amazing. Even Joe did a double take as he walked past my door.

Right on time, the stylist arrived, holding a single garment bag. That worried me. It didn't seem like I was going to have much of a choice. She pulled out the red Herve Leger dress from the day before and I completely rolled my eyes. Of fucking course. He had this whole thing planned the moment he saw that dress. 

"I know this is kind of girl time, but do you mind if I use your shower? Kevin is using ours," Joe asked from the doorway, still not bothering to put a shirt on. I noticed Michelle’s eyes flick from him to me, and back to him… and up and down him… and back to me, wide open.

"Only if you explain..." And I gestured towards the dress. The poor stylist looked so confused, like she had done something wrong. 

"What about it? I don't know anything about dresses, Mandy. The stylist picked it out for you and, frankly, I think she did an excellent job," he retorted, absolutely not giving in. He was such a fucking smart ass sometimes and it really pissed me off. Going back to my chair, I purposely loosened the knot at my waist, letting the V of the robe dip deeper, getting dangerously close to a nip slip. The hem rose higher on my thigh than I would normally allow for modesty, but if he was going to try to take me on, well then, two could play at this game.

“Go ahead, Joe. Have a good shower and I hope you think of me,” I taunted and I saw the blood rise in his cheeks, his lips unconsciously parting at my newly exposed skin. With his garments suspiciously blocking the front of his shorts, he moved into the bathroom and locked the door, giggles breaking out in the room. 

"You put him in his place," Michelle cheered as she started applying primer to my eyelids. I had to admit, it felt pretty good on a few levels to finally get one on him. If this was going to be a battle until someone cracks, then I was going to win. I heard the others get back, Nick needing to join his brothers in preparation for their big night. Denise popped her head in to see how things were going, chit chatting with all us girls, and I explained how I "met" Dani.

"Isn't she lovely? I'm so excited to have her around again, she's so good for him. Keeps him a little bit grounded and reminds him where he's from," she gushed, "He's going to marry that girl."

I could only stare at her with one eye. Marry her? Had something happened that I wasn't aware of? Or did Denise just let a huge secret slip?

"I know my boys, Kevin's found 'the one.' Joe needs someone a little more serious, who can keep him on track and make him open up a bit. He's got the biggest heart but he's so guarded; he's very protective of everyone. Nick is just too young. I don't want to think about him yet," and she laughed and I relaxed a little bit. Kevin and I were the same age and I couldn't imagine getting married already. But, then again, my brother was already married by my age, so maybe it's different. Maybe it's different if you've already found the person you are supposed to be with. Just then the door to the bathroom opened, Joe stepping out with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair slicked back. 

"I just want you to know that I did not think of you while I was in there. Not at all..." And then he realized who else was in the room.

"Joseph Adam! You go back in there and put some clothes on, or at least a robe! That is completely inappropriate! There are ladies present," Denise snapped and I couldn't help but suppress a smile as he got in trouble. Immediately his swagger disappeared, replaced by the little boy who didn't like being yelled at by his mom. He practically dove back into the bathroom, slamming the door, only to emerge a minute later wearing the soft terry cloth robe that the hotel provided, closed up completely so that all you could see was his neck and head. Mumbling an apology, he left the room so fast that Denise had hard time following him out. 

“Did you see that? Did you see how he was showin’ off for ya?” one of the girls commented and I couldn’t help but agree. I was a little sad Denise put a damper on our game but it was probably for the best. Something like this could get out of control really fast and I didn’t exactly know what “out of control” meant for Joe. I’m sure it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but I was part of a larger company now, and I didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize what they’ve built. 

Her team made me up with a smokey eye and blush pink lips, what Michelle described as “orgasm pink” and the stylist helped get me dressed, choosing black strappy Stewart Weisman heels that I needed to practice walking in. A borrowed diamond bracelet and an Alexander McQueen Brittania clutch that I wanted to steal completed the look and I couldn’t believe the girl in the mirror was me.

I didn’t want to say that it was like She’s All That, because I didn’t want it to be like that at all. I wanted to think that I could put myself together for a night out. After all, I had done pretty well the night we all went to the club. But this, this was a different level. The dress fit exactly as it did the day before, but somehow better, tighter, shaping me in a way that made me finally feel like the cool, confident 21 year old that I knew lived inside of me this whole time. I was sexy without being slutty. I didn’t want to just turn Joe’s head, I wanted him to snap his neck to get a look at me.

With hugs all around and a few encouraging words, I stepped out of my room into the living area where the boys were waiting. Kevin had chosen a navy blue three piece suit, pairing it with a light pink shirt and a classic blue patterned Burberry tie. Nick went with a classic black suit, looking almost like a young James Bond. And Joe… 

“Wow…” escaped from his lips and while all eyes were on me, mine were on him.

“Wow yourself,” I echoed. He went with a steel gray suit, black shirt, and a red tie to set it all off. His hair was perfectly straightened and swept to the side, the right amount of casual and handsome. He could easily be the boy next door who was taking you to Prom. I finally understand why thousands of girls have posters of these boys on their walls. 

“Oh, Mandy, you’re going to have so much fun,” Denise gushed and she had us all stand together for pictures. It didn’t matter if it was the eighth grade dance or an international music awards, moms are moms and will always want pictures. I made a mental note to ask for a copy of it to send to my mom, “You have the number for the driver, so just call him when you want to leave. And don’t make to too late, I expect you all back at 2 am, sharp.” A curfew. Of course there was a curfew. It didn’t matter that three out of the four of us were legally adults, we were still kids in her eyes, although I suppose I should be thankful that we were being allowed to go party unsupervised. 

"Good luck, guys! We'll be here watching it," Kevin Sr wished them and the four of us made our way down to the lobby and into the waiting limo. I felt so glamorous and way out of my comfort zone. Yes it was fun, but none of it was for me. I was just going to be sitting in the audience. I wasn't anyone special.

"Is this your first red carpet?" Nick asked as the car maneuvered its way around the crazy streets. 

"Red carpet? I have to walk the red carpet?" I worried, my anxiety instantly shooting up. I didn't want to walk the red carpet. No one was going to know who I was and nobody cared. 

"Well yeah, how else are you going to get into the theater?" Joe said sarcastically.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine. You literally just walk and stop every hundred feet or so for pictures. We'll be right there with you so you have nothing to worry about," Kevin assured me, but my stomach was still in knots. I didn't really want my picture to be taken, and I didn't think it was a good idea to be in photos with them. The fans were already in a frenzy on the forums over me, I didn't need to give them more fuel for their fire. Maybe I could walk it, but be in the background, like the publicists and managers that you always see moving with the celebrities. No one needed to know who I was.

Sure enough, our limo got in the queue at the start of the carpet and I felt like I wanted to puke. There were stands of fans to the right until about halfway down, where it was just a backdropped wall, and the press to the left, already vying for position to get the best shot. It seemed like we're were just barely fashionably late, the carpet already being crowded and in full swing. The door opened from the outside and Kevin stepped out first, then Nick, and with a squeeze to my hand, Joe, with me following. 

The roar was deafening and the lights were so bright it was almost like the sun was collapsing on us. The boys immediately went over to the fans first, taking selfies and signing autographs while the photographers did their best to catch them in action. I just moved down the carpet and tried to stay out of the way, hoping I didn’t look too awkward. 

“Over here! To your left!” the photographers started yelling and it took me a second to realize that they were yelling for me. What? I looked confused for a second but then turned towards them and tried to mimic what I had seen the other women do. Placing a hand on my hip and letting my left hand holding the clutch drape casually to the side, crossing my legs at my ankles, chin up and held high. They didn’t know who I was, and once they realized I was no one special, all these photos would be thrown out. It was difficult to not squint into the flashes and to know where to look.

“You’re a natural,” Joe whispered in my ear, taking a place by my side for a few brief moments before posing with Kevin and Nick a little bit down the carpet. They were so good at this, looking completely at ease with the reporters, laughing at their stupid questions and dodging ones about their rings. Where do they learn all this? I had heard rumors about Disney bootcamps but I dare not ask if it was true. It didn’t seem to matter anyway, it seemed like it was just something you learned to handle the more you do it. Sure, I could pose, but there’s no way I could stomach all the fake smiles and pretending to like every single other person at this. But, just as I was about to reach the lobby, I caught a glimpse of someone and a shockwave went through my body.

The blood rushed to my cheeks immediately and my first instinct was to hide; fight or flight, and I’m terrible at fighting. “Oh my god… Matt Bellamy.” And there he was, in the flesh, at the bar getting a glass of champagne with Dom. 

“See? Not that scary…what?” Kevin asked as he followed my sight line to the scrawny man in the shocking red suit. 

"Go say hi," Joe pushed and I shook my head no. No way. I couldn't just go up to him. I wasn't like Steph who could just strike up a conversation with anyone. "Come on," and he took my hand, dragging me over to the bar, despite my protests, and then left me right as Matt was turning from the bar, so that he bumped into me.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry..." I said, wanting to die from embarrassment. 

"Oh, no, it's completely my fault," he responded, giving me a sheepish grin. What the hell was I supposed to say? My rock god hero was standing right in front of me and I couldn't think of anything worthy to say that didn't sound like I was a fangirl.

"You're Matt and Dom, right? From Muse?" I asked, already knowing the answer but not wanting to flip out on them.

"Yeah, what's your name? And are you American?" Matt asked as he stuck out a hand to shake, which I promptly took. Holy shit. The fingers that played the guitar so expertly was shaking my hand. I was going to die.

"Uh... Mandy, yeah" I responded, wanting to kick myself, "I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you guys. Your music saved my life."

"That's fantastic, cheers for that," Dom said and Matt gave my shoulders a squeeze, "What brings you here?"

"... Work," I lied, not really wanting to get into the full explanation of my internship and who it was with.

"Well, Mandy, tonight, no one works," Dom answered, handing me a glass of champagne. Holy fuck. I matched their smiles, my whole body buzzing.

"Have a good time, and we'll see you around, yeah?" Matt said with a nod and a wave, going back to his original plans. I just kind of stood there, planted in my spot, trying to process what had just happened. I had met 2/3 of my all-time favorite band, and got a hug, and a glass of champagne. My life was completely insane. 

"Do you love me or do you love me?" Joe joked, coming back for my rescue. 

"That didn't just happen. There's no way that actually just happened."

"Oh, it happened, and I got a picture to prove it," and he fished his phone from his pocket, showing me the photo he got of Matt giving me a hug. I could kiss him right now. Completely blissed out, I followed him out of the lobby and into the auditorium, where an usher showed us our seats; Kevin on the end, Nick in the middle, Joe on the inside, and me next to him, so no cameras would get me.

From what I knew, the EMAs were not a super formal event, being an MTV property and all. Someone named Katy Perry opened the show, her song sounding familiar but still nothing I ever really paid attention to. Jared Leto and his band also took turns hosting, in a way, but since it was Europe, there were people from all over the continent. I clapped and played along, but my god, you don't see how boring these things are. Since it's being broadcast all over, there were so many crazy set breaks and resets for the cameras, which I assumed were commercials at home, which didn't help the time. 

"No wonder you see photos of Cate Blanchette at In and Out after the Oscars..." I mumbled, my glass of bubbly finished hours ago. I hadn't really eaten anything today, save for the cereal, and I was starting to feel it. 

"There's so much food at the after party, and I'm pretty sure the ceremony is almost over. We just have our category and then act of the year and then we're done," Joe whispered as I could feel my stomach growl. I could only hope. If not, I would have to ditch to find a McDonalds or something which wasn't exactly something I wanted to do while wearing thousands of dollars worth of stuff.

A camera positioned itself just in front of Kevin, in the aisle, and I knew it had to be close to their category. Joe and Nick leaned forward a bit to get into the frame, and I back, to get out of it. This was their time and I didn't want to be part of it. Right on Cheryl Cole's cue, the little light on top of the camera lit up, signaling that they were on. The three boys smiled into the camera, looking happily nervous and I clapped and smiled at them politely. What I really wanted to do was stand up and start yelling about how they were the hardest working group in the business and if anyone didn't agree, they could fight me. Half the people in the room didn’t write their own songs, or manage themselves, so right there, they were more talented. 

“And the award goes to… Leona Lewis for Bleedin’ Love!” she announced and my heart was broken for them. The light on the camera turned back on to catch their reactions and they clapped nicely, like everyone always does at these things, but as soon as the light turned off, I stopped. The song was manufactured, she being a talent show winner and besides having an okay voice, she didn’t do much to get up on that stage. 

“I’m so sorry, guys. You deserve that award…” I tried and Nick shrugged, trying to not look bothered, but I could tell it did bother them. I don’t care who you were or what it was, no matter what anyone says, you want to win. Especially when it came down to something like this, when you’re putting your heart and talent on the line. I felt terrible for them. This whole night, all the craziness and prep, and they were going to leave empty-handed. 

A few more awards were given out but honestly, I stopped paying any sort of attention. No one I liked won anyway and it was much more interesting to look around and see who I could spot. Soon enough, the show finished and people started to file out, the mood in the room lightening considerably now that we were all off to the after parties. This is what I was excited about; food, drinks, maybe some dancing, people watching, and seeing what celebrities get into when there were no cameras around.

Our limo picked us up in the line of others and whisked us across the city center, back over to Piccadilly Circus, pulling up around the back of a building that looked like it had been built in the late 1800’s. From the outside, there was nothing giving it away, save for all the limos that were hanging around, but once we got inside, it was completely different. 

The hallway opened up to an enormous room with a fully stocked bar in the middle, chefs towards the back who looked like they were taking orders for pretty much anything, a dance floor, and a DJ near the front with his own light show setup. Then, there were three more floors above, with what looked like booths and rooms, all decorated differently. The room was already starting to fill up with everyone from the awards. All I cared about was the chef making pasta at the end. I made a beeline for that, my stomach completely winning over anything else in this insane place. I lost the boys in the shuffle of people but frankly, I didn’t care right now. 

The chef made a a plate of fresh made lobster ravioli (pressed right there in front of me!) with garlic shrimp and alfredo sauce that was to die for. Finding a spot at a table in a corner with another glass of champagne, I resided myself to people watching. There were a lot of people here that I didn’t know, people I supposed that were famous in Europe, but there were still a ton that I did. The boys from Muse made it, but I dared not try to meet them again and let them enjoy their night in peace. Jared Leto was chatting with some blonde girl, obviously flirting with her. It was amusing, seeing how his hand casually found her hip, trapping her there with him. Girls Aloud all arrived separately and it didn’t look like they wanted to really see each other, which was super odd being that they just had a new song come out a few months ago. But, once my plate was empty, I decided I should go try to find someone I knew.

“There you are,” Joe called from against the back wall, throwing back the last of his drink. I couldn’t help but let a wry smile crawl across my lips.

“Mr. Jonas, you would never…” I gasped in fake shock. If he really was drinking, well then, that just made me like him all the more. It made him more normal, like every other 18 year old I ever knew. 

“Shhh…” and he put his finger to his lips.

“What would mommy and daddy say?”

“What mommy and daddy don’t know won’t hurt them. And besides, I am legal here. Plus, I helped you drink your wine last night,” he shrugged, reaching out to take my hand, “Where did you disappear off to?”

“Food. I like to eat, although I don’t think I’m really allowed to in this dress,” I mused, letting him lace his fingers with mine. 

“Stop that. You’re absolutely fucking gorgeous, Mandy. And I should have said so… twice now.” I couldn’t help but blush a bit. I felt gorgeous, but hearing him say it, and admitting that he messed it up at Harrods, it felt like the butterflies in my stomach were coming back again.

“You know, I know what you did when you picked this dress…”

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about.” and he looked away, trying his best to look innocent.

“High heels… Red dress…” I sang softly and he shook his head no, denying his plan.

“I’m telling you, I never saw that dress until you pointed it out to me today,” but his facade was cracking. 

“All by yourself, gotta catch my breath…”

“Fine, you caught me,” he laughed, “but seriously, I saw that dress and when you tried it on, I wanted to give you an opportunity to wear it, to feel special,” I knew he was trying to be sweet, but that stung just a little bit. I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off. “I know, Mandy. We all know how you don’t feel like you deserve any of this, that you think you’re no one, but you are. I wanted you to know how special you are.”

God, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to show him how thankful I am for this opportunity. It wasn’t just the dress, or the stylists, or the limo. None of that really mattered to me. I wanted to thank him for giving me a chance, for opening himself up to me and letting me show him that I wasn’t a terrible person, that I really only wanted to get to know them as a group and as people. Looking back into his eyes, I couldn’t help but bite my bottom lip. He looked right back, right through me, and I couldn’t really hide anymore. Neither could he. 

The DJ spun into sharp violins, my ears perking up to a familiar song and I couldn’t help but smile.

“What?”

“This” as the bass and rhythm kicked in. He looked at me questioningly. The house lights went out so that just the stage was lit. They had designed a light show to go with the song. Cute. Reds and blues dragged across Joe’s face.

“I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah  
Ah la la la Ah la la la  
I can la la la l- la la  
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want  
Don't stop” I sang along, knowing full well what the words meant and the chance I didn’t think twice about taking. 

“Gimme gimme gimme what you got got  
Cause I can't wait wait wait any m-more more more  
Don't even talk about the consequence  
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me,” and I started to get more into it, swaying my hips a little, a smirk playing across my lips.

“And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think  
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind  
I'll never ever let you leave me  
I'll try to stop time forever, never wanna hear you say goodbye

I feel so untouched  
And I want you so much  
That I just can't resist you  
It's not enough to say that I miss you  
I feel so untouched right now  
Need you so much somehow  
I can't forget you  
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you” His eyes never left mine as he drew me in, whatever distance there was between us gone. He tilted his head down and I instinctively wrapped my other hand behind his neck, closing my eyes for the inevitable. Instead, I got his ear. This was going to take a little more effort on my part. 

“See you, breathe you, I want to be you  
Ah la la la ah la la la  
You can take take tt-take take time time  
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life” I whispered in his ear, my voice in the back of my throat, every la just above a moan, every repeated word more and more breathless.

“Gimme gimme gimme all of you you  
Don't be scared  
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more  
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right  
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around  
To answer all the questions left behind  
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today  
You've still got me to hold you up up  
And I will never let you down

I feel so untouched  
And I want you so much  
That I just can't resist you  
It's not enough to say that I miss you  
I feel so untouched right now  
Need you so much somehow” I pressed myself to him, trapping him against the wall, but he didn’t seem to mind at all. I could feel his breathing getting heavier against my neck and his free hand finally found my hip.

“I can't forget you  
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you” His other hand, while still holding mine, dragged up against the wall behind him. He had a firm hold; I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Untouched  
Ah la la la ah la la la” I moaned, grinding my hips softly into his own.

“Mandy…” he responded in kind.

“I feel so untouched  
And I want you so much  
That I just can't resist you  
It's not enough to say that I miss you  
I feel so untouched right now  
Need you so much somehow  
I can't forget you  
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

I feel so untouched  
And I want you so much  
That I just can't resist you  
It's not enough to say that I miss you  
I feel so untouched right now  
Need you so much somehow  
I can't forget you  
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you” he suddenly pulled his head up and caught my eyes with his again. I didn’t know what else to do; the song was almost over and I pretty much threw everything I had at him. Why did I even feel like I had to seduce him anyway? It shouldn’t be this hard, not after all the games we had played. A single guitar played the main melody, breaking everything down to something so simple. Something easy; something uncomplicated.

The guy has great timing. As the drums kicked back in, so did he, capturing my lips with his. The whole room fell away; no song, no lights, nothing. Just Joe and me, us, in this moment, in this kiss. This kiss was so different from the last. No anger or spur of the moment decisions this time. No less passion. This kiss was deep and needy, like it had been pent up for ages. I laced my fingers in his hair, trying to bring him closer even though it wasn’t physically possible. My head buzzed, I was drunk from him. He squeezed my hip hard and I let out a small gasp, just enough to bring me back.

The last loops of the violins played and echoed out and the sudden silence slammed my ears.

“Joe?” I breathed as he planted kisses on my pulse. Fuck, he felt so good, “Joe, we need to stop. We’re at a party.” He froze and his grip on me loosened. I felt him swallow hard. I untangled my fingers from his hair as he took a step back, the cold air hitting my décolletage and making me wish I had never stopped him. He shifted back to his position on the wall just as the house lights were brought back up and I finally noticed how many people were around. His hand never let go of mine.

“So, that’s a really good song” he said, trying to sound casual. I smiled.

“Yeah, I think so” I said as the DJ went into another song that I didn’t know. 

“What do you want to do now?” he asked and I could only answer truthfully. I turned my head to look at him as he looked over at me, the lust making his eyes dusky.

“Find someplace dark.” I don’t think I have ever seen someone look so dumbfounded. The boy had no idea what to do and it was awesome. His eyes flicked to the upper balcony and I knew he had a place in mind. He silently lead me through the crowd at the bar, deftly avoiding anyone who would know who he was. I had to admit; I had no idea what I was doing either. I just wanted to tease the guy, not get him in a position that could damage his reputation as squeaky-clean. The thrill of it all was too addicting to pass up though. This is what I wanted.

We ascended the stairs up to the dimly lit balcony where few others were. The space was set up with rows and rows of chocolate brown leather U-booths, each with their own mini crystal chandelier. He scooted into the corner of the one furthest from the stairs and dimmed the lights to just above darkness.

“Dark enough?” he asked as he unconsciously looked me over, taking me in. He offered me his hand and led me into the booth, putting both his hands on my hips and guiding me down onto his lap, my knees on either side of his thighs.

“Oh, I think this will do,” I coolly retorted, my voice just above a whisper. His lips found mine and it was just as before, just as needy and passionate. I slipped my arms over his shoulders as he slipped his tongue over my bottom lip. I slightly parted my lips and he let his tongue play with mine, deepening the kiss. One of his hands fell to my exposed thigh and he stroked the delicate skin that lay there, triggering an instinctive moan to escape. All the teasing from earlier in the day was coming back to life, my fingers dancing over the soft fabric of his shirt, itching to feel the skin that lay underneath. His muscles were hard, toned from his workouts but his lips were soft, so soft on my own. I could taste the leftover Jack Daniels on him, fueling my desire. 

“I’ve wanted to do this since the last time we did,” he groaned against my lips, mirroring my own feelings, “You’ve been driving me insane all day.”

“Shhh…” is all I said, not wanting to waste the moment with words. There would be plenty of time for us to talk about how much we’ve wanted each other. Right now, I just wanted to make out with Joe.

We stayed up in that booth for what felt like forever, the party going on below us a distant memory to the party that was happening between us. My lipstick was long forgotten, smeared. His hair wasn’t so perfect anymore, the small curls at the ends making it obvious that busy hands had been run through it. The lights made it hard to see and I could only hope he hadn’t left hand visible marks on my neck. I leaned my head on his shoulder, his hands settling on my hips as I tried to just catch my breath. God, he was so warm. I could fall asleep right there on top of him. 

“Nick says to be out back in five minutes,” Joe groaned, one hand still softly stroking the skin of my thigh while the other set his phone in his pocket.

“Why must little brothers ruin everything?” I mused, Joe laughing hollowly at my joke. I didn’t want to go back. If we went back, that would mean the night would end, and I felt like Cinderella at the ball. We were a minute from midnight, and once the clock struck 12, I would transform back into intern Mandy, the Nobody from Nowhere. Not to mention, I had no idea what any of this meant, and I was too chicken shit to ask.

I untangled myself from him, the both of us cleaning each other up in the light, using my thumb to wipe off my lipstick from his mouth, ensuring that I was mark free. With a smile, he led us back down to the back door, Nick and Kevin waiting patiently for us, a knowing glance shared between them. The limo pulled up and we all piled in, my heart sinking as we drove back to the hotel.

“Okay, I’m just going to ask it. Are you two actually together, finally?” Nick put bluntly, his candor taking me back a bit. These boys didn’t hide anything from each other. Joe looked over at me, taking a deep breath, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, anxious for his answer. 

“If she’ll have me,” he responded, not tearing his eyes away. It felt like a bolt of lighting went through me. All my life, I had been the girl who got crushes, but never had anyone crush on her. The girl who made herself too busy to allow anyone in. The undatable. And now, I was the girlfriend of Joe.

With a sarcastic roll of my eyes, I responded, “I suppose you’ve worn me down,” and smiled. 

“That’s so awesome. I’m so excited for you guys and Dani will be happy she isn’t the only one anymore,” Kevin cheered, patting Joe on the back. You would think Joe asked me to marry him, the way they were acting. 

Nick leaned over and embraced me in a hug, whispering in my ear, “I told you so.” Of course he did. He had pushed for this since New Jersey, but I should probably be thanking him. Nick and Kevin had wanted this for longer than Joe and I had.

The limo rolled up to the hotel and we all got out, the elevator bringing us back to the suite, Kevin and Nick saying their goodnights and leaving Joe and myself on our own. It felt bittersweet, this moment. I didn’t want the night to end, but we couldn’t very well stay out in the living room for his parents to find. No, as much as my libido didn’t want to, we needed to do this properly, respectfully, which meant that I would need to sleep alone tonight. Joe must have had the same thoughts because he walked me to my door, turning to face me, biting his lower lip nervously.

“I hope I wasn’t too forward, asking you in front of my brothers,” he apologized, taking my hand in his own. 

“No, no, it’s cool. I’m really… happy, Joe. Really happy,” I emphasized, words failing to enter my brain to describe everything that was coursing through me. Relief was one, excitement, desire, regret for waiting so long and spending so much time hating him, butterflies, warmth, punchdrunk, love.

“Me too,” and he brought my hand up to his lips, placing a small kiss on the back of it, like I was his princess. All at once, my heart burst and melted, sparks going through my whole body at the smallest of gestures. But I couldn’t let it end there. I wouldn’t. Leaning in, I caught his lips with my own, every nerve tingling inside, my fingers lacing with his, not daring to take it any further. He tasted sweet and I couldn’t help but feel a little lightheaded, in the best way possible. This was a goodnight kiss to end all goodnight kisses.

“Goodnight, Joseph.”

“Goodnight, Amanda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! I would love to hear your thoughts! Please review! Thank you!


	9. Dirty Laundry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MANDY
> 
> URGENT
> 
> YOU'RE ON TMZ WITH JOE
> 
> WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN LONDON?

Buzz buzz

Buzz buzz

Buzz buzz

Knock knock

The sun streamed through my window, illuminating the whole room. The clock on the bedside table read 9:30, probably the latest I've been able to sleep, but my body still craved more. Last night had been insane, to say the least. Part of me didn't want to believe that it actually happened. Between meeting my favorite band to making out with the hottest guy in the world, it was the type of stuff that I used to read in fan fics, not someone's actual life, and certainly not mine. 

Knock knock on my door again.

"Mandy, are you awake?" Denise's voice came from just beyond it.

"Yeah, come in," I answered, rubbing my eyes a bit and sitting up. Buzz buzz of my phone again and I itched to check it, but she entered the room with a small stack of papers, closing the door behind her. Uh oh. That didn't seem like a good thing.

"I'm glad that we can take a second to talk before getting ready for the day," she started, bringing the vanity chair over by the bed and taking a seat, her face a little serious, and I had a feeling I knew exactly what this was about, "Joe spoke with his father and me this morning, about last night."

My heart sank in my stomach. I knew there were going to be repercussions over the after party, but I didn't think they would be so harsh as having to stop seeing Joe. But, having a relationship with your employer was completely unprofessional. 

"Let me start off with, as a mom, I'm thrilled, Mandy," and she reached over with a soft smile, holding my hand in hers, and I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders, "I just want Joe to be happy, and I know he is happy when he is with you. I know you're a good person, and I'm so excited that you two are finally together. But, as your boss, there are a few things we need to take care of."

Take care of. That was good, at least I think it is. It's not total destruction.

“First thing’s first, the NDA. I know, it sucks the fun out of it, but I hope you understand that we need to protect the brand, and the boys. You’ll be in a similar situation as Dani. I hope that’s okay with you?” she cautiously questioned as she let me look over the papers, pen at the ready. This one seemed a lot less painful to sign than the Miley one, mostly because I didn’t want this getting out either. I didn’t want to jeopardize Joe’s career… or my own. If I was going into this business, albeit indirectly, I wanted to make my way on my own, and not just because I’m Joe Jonas’ girlfriend. If Dani and Kevin could do it, then so could I. Taking the pen, I signed and initialed my way into legal privacy.

“I don’t want this getting out either. I’m not exactly one for public relationships, and this was on an extreme scale,” I mused, handing it all back to her.

“I’m so glad we’re all in agreement over this. Like I said, Mandy, I’m absolutely thrilled for you and Joe. I know you’ll treat him right and that your interest in him is genuine,” she smiled, reassuring me, “But, also, this doesn’t change anything for your internship. You are still expected to work as you did, to pull your weight as you did, and you are still an employee of this company. You’ve been doing great so far, so we would hate for this new relationship to become a distraction.”

“No need to worry, Denise. Nothing about me or my work will change,” I promised, and I meant it. I just felt lucky that I still had a job after everything. Denise smiled and leaned over to hug me, but despite her approval, I still had a feeling that this wasn't going to be easy for us.

"How about you get dressed and finish packing up, then come out for some breakfast before we all leave for the airport?" She suggested and I nodded, eager to start a real vacation. We would be staying overnight in Paris tonight before heading down to Cannes, a wonderful little mini-break before going back to LA. I had never been to France, so I was excited to experience that, and it was going to be all the more fun to be going with my boyfriend.

Wow, boyfriend. 

I mean, yes, Joe asked me to be his girlfriend, but now that also meant that he was my boyfriend. What does someone do with a boyfriend? Yeah, I got the whole physical part of being in a relationship, but I had never been in one before, so being able to rely on someone was going to be very new to me. Dressing myself in some skinny black jeans, a white v-neck shirt, and slipping on a pair of my old beaten up Chucks, I grabbed my phone and laptop before heading out to join them at the table. 

"Morning," I said cheerfully to the table at large, taking a seat next to Joe before opening up my laptop and grabbing a cinnamon roll.

"Good morning," Joe replied with a smile, leaning over to give me a kiss on the cheek. Jesus Christ, he was good, "Whoa, do you ever check your e-mail?" And there it was, that little red number climbing and climbing until it settled somewhere around the 67 mark.

"Every day, several times a day," I said, getting very confused. I never had this many emails, ever. I guess this is why my phone had been buzzing all morning non stop. Clicking through them, a lot were from Steph, one from Krissy, and the rest were all Facebook notifications of messages and emails from the other interns in the program through school. Starting from the bottom, I hit the first one from Steph:

MANDY

URGENT

YOU'RE ON TMZ WITH JOE

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN LONDON?

That dress looks fantastic on you, by the way.

E-MAIL ME BACK ASAP

Love you,  
Steph

My mouth went dry and my face blanched. 

"Uh, guys, it sounds like we might had a little situation on our hands..." Kevin warned, scrolling through his phone, "There's paparazzi downstairs outside the hotel..."

Faster than possible, I got online and opened up every celebrity news sight that I could think of: TMZ, Oh No They Didn't, Just Jared, Perez Hilton, and with each one my stomach dropped more and more.

There I was, in the red dress from last night, posing on the red carpet. Okay, that didn't seem so bad. It was unwanted and annoying, sure, but nothing bad. But then I scrolled a little more.

"Oh my god..." I whispered and Joe looked over, reading.

"Sources close to the Jonas Brothers say that she is an intern, working with the band for the summer, but last night she was posing with Joe Jonas for photos, the pair seen flirting on the red carpet. The Jonas Brothers are no stranger to relationships in the pubic eye; youngest brother Nick was linked to Miley Cyrus just earlier this summer. Representatives for the Jonas Brothers declined to comment."

And then there was a photo of me with Joe, when he came over to tell me I was doing well on the red carpet. 

"Can I just crawl into a hole and die now?" I asked, completely mortified, covering my eyes with my hands and sinking back into the chair. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want any of this. I mean, yes, I knew that there were going to be photos of me, and that wasn't what bothered me so much. What did bother me was that not even 20 minutes ago, I signed a contract stating that I wouldn't reveal the nature of my relationship with Joe to anyone, and now it was front page celebrity news. And it put the family in an awkward position, having to lie about it. Right now, this whole fame machine didn't seem like it was worth all this bullshit. 

"Mandy, it's fine. It'll be fine. We deal with the press everyday, and we will have to deal with them today too," Joe reassured, gently pulling my hands away from my face, holding them tightly in his own, "These things blow over in a few days, when something else happens."

When I looked him in the eyes, I couldn't help but believe him, that is was all going to be okay. The whole thing was just so embarrassing. I just wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, and do good work, not hiding inside. After the shock of it all wore off, the photo of us was actually a really nice one, Joe looking so handsome in his suit, his tie matching perfectly to my dress, and we looked happy, unguarded and candid. 

"That is a really lovely photo of us..." I said softly, relaxing to the idea.

"You're beautiful, Mandy. And now the world knows it," he responded and I couldn't help but lean into him, letting him hold me for a moment. Paparazzi or none, right here, in Joe's arms, I felt safe.

"At least your first picture is a really good one. They caught me mid-chew, eating a cheeseburger," Nick interjected and I had to laugh. He was right, as he always seems to be. This was going to be okay.

The rest of the e-mails were all very similar to Steph's, wanting to know how I turned from a journalism intern into celebrity girlfriend. I just deleted all of them, save for Krissy, who I let know that everything was under control and that my contact hadn't been terminated, and told Steph that I wasn't able to comment. She was smart, she would get the hint, because if nothing had happened between me and Joe, I would just say so. 

"Miss Achter has just finished her degree in Journalism and is currently doing a piece about touring with the Jonas Brothers. The nature of Miss Achter's relationship with Joe or any of the members of the Jonas Brothers is strictly professional," Denise read out loud off of a sheet of paper, looking around for reactions. 

"Do we have to say why?" I asked sheepishly, tired of a whole drama already.

"It's better to confirm part of their story, rather than outright deny it all," Kevin explained, and I supposed he was right. Denying everything would be lying. Confirming the lesser point of the story misdirected the press and cooled down the heat considerably. Plus, the way it was worded, it didn't make me sound like an intern at all.

"I'm going to get this off to the publicist asap for immediate release, and then it's done. Come on, we leave for the airport in 10," she confirmed and everyone started to clean up, myself included, gathering the last bits of luggage and things in my room. Sitting on the bed for a moment, I sighed.

I really didn't want to leave. I mean, yeah, a vacation with no schedules or insanity would be very welcome, but I wanted to stay in London. I didn't want to leave this hotel. Once we left this hotel, the real world would sink in, and everything that came with it. Photos. Lying. Paparazzi. Once we left this hotel, the boys ceased to be Kevin, Joe, and Nick, they became the Jonas Brothers... And all that came with that title. 

The past 48 changed everything. And I didn't want to leave the safety London provided to me. My curiosity was going to kill me though.

Opening up my computer, I couldn’t help but start digging. Google was fairly tame, thankfully, but everyone who used the internet knew that that was only the tip of the iceberg. I needed to go deeper, to the lowest common denominator to find the worst that was being said about me. I needed to go to the tabloids.

More photos of us surfaced, a few from the day before, when we were out and about shopping. The comments were sickening.

She’s using him. She doesn’t give a shit about him, she’s only with him to make a name for herself.

Where did they find this charity case?

Joe would never be interested in her. He could get any girl he wanted, why would he settle for this attention whore?

She’s too old for him! I heard she was 21, way too old. 

Shutting the computer quickly, I packed it away in my carryon, not wanting to look anymore. They knew my age. And soon, they would know my name, my job, and that would be enough for them to find out the rest. The whole thing was just so insane. I went from nothing to the person people wanted to know about in less than 12 hours, and I wasn’t okay with it. What if they came after my family, bothered my mom or dad? The whole thing was making me sick to my stomach.

"Everything okay?" Joe asked softly as he stepped into the room, taking a seat on the bed next to me. I didn't want to lie to him and tell him that I was okay, because I clearly wasn't, but I didn't want him to think I regret saying yes, because I don’t. I just wanted everyone else to leave me alone.

“No,” I shook my head before taking a deep breath and looking him in the eye, “But it doesn’t matter. I want to believe that it will be okay."

"Mandy, you're not in this alone. All of us have your back," and I let my head fall onto his shoulder as he rubbed my back, the contact comforting. He was right, I wasn't in this alone. They had all been through it and knew what to do, so as long as I had the Jonas Family on my side, I just had to follow them. 

“Hey, we got to go!” Big Rob interrupted, yelling from the doorway. We both jumped, ruining the moment, but a second later I couldn’t help but break down into a fit of the giggles. I had a feeling that true privacy was going to be few and far between, but it didn’t really matter. Joe made it worth it.

We gathered up the rest of our luggage, and I stole Joe’s black beanie, the whole group of us slipping on wayfarer sunglasses as the elevator took us down to the lobby. I could see them, the photographers, waiting just beyond the lobby doors, too many to count. The sight was completely intimidating, even more so than the red carpet last night. It was only about 30 feet or so from the doors to the waiting SUV, but who knew how many pictures they would get in that time. Joe simply took my hand in his, no words or pretense, and that was all I needed to keep my head held high, the doormen swinging the doors open, the flashes almost blinding.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It didn’t really seem to matter where we went. Arriving at Heathrow: paparazzi. Leaving Orly: paparazzi. Going to the hotel: paparazzi. They were everywhere and they didn’t care if they had already gotten the same picture a thousand times already, they always wanted more. As the East Coast started to wake to the day, the major news outlets picked up the “story,” or rather what they thought the story was, this time with the added official statement. I was exhausted already and it was barely noon. I almost envied Dani and her ability to remain anonymous, but I quickly took those thoughts back. Dani wished she had this problem, not because she wanted the fame or anything as shallow as that, but because it meant that she would be with Kevin. I was incredibly fortunate that my job allowed me to spend time with Joe, and together we could get through this.

The hotel was completely and charmingly typical Parisian and I immediately fell in love with it. We had the whole floor to ourselves with Denise and Kevin Sr in the suite, which meant that once again, I had my own room with a huge comfy bed in it. I knew that it was only for the one night, but I loved it all the same. Taking a moment to lay down on my bed, my phone screen changed over to a Skype video call... From my mom.

"Hello?" I answered, a slight panic running through me. I had planned on calling her and explaining everything when we got back to the States, but I guess that couldn't wait. 

"Hey! Where are you in the world, miss jet-setter?" She asked, unusually chipper for 7 am her time. She was just getting ready for work at this time in the morning.

"We just landed in Paris, just for the night. Tomorrow we go down to Cannes for a vacation before heading back to LA," I informed, still confused. I had emailed her a copy of our itinerary way back when I first got it, so she knew where I was. She was just making small talk.

"Must be nice to have someone paying for your vacations. Anyway, anything new or exciting happen?" She knew. Of course she knew. If she hadn't seen it break on the Internet, one of my aunts most definitely called and told her. 

"Mom, what have you heard and what do you want to know?" I asked, too exhausted from the day to deal with her beating around the bush. Joe softly knocked the the doorframe and I waved him in, mouthing to him 'It's my mom.' Without missing a beat, he came over and sat on the bed, not even fazed by the thought of "meeting" my mom already. I supposed it was only fair, being that I had already met his entire family.

"Aunt Carolyn called. She saw something on the news about the Jonas Brothers and thought she caught a glimpse of you with them. You should be proud of me, I got on Google all by myself and googled you, and a bunch of articles popped up, saying you have a boyfriend now?" Of course it was Aunt Carolyn. If it wasn't her, it would have been one of the other ones. My mom is one of ten, and although I loved growing up with a huge family, the downside of it was that everyone was always in everyone's business. "Mandy, is someone there? Who are you talking to?" Sitting up, I moved the phone over so that both Joe and I were in the frame.

"Mom, this is Joe, my boyfriend of all of... What? 12 hours or so?" And I looked over at him, trying to figure out the math. We had spent more time sleeping than actually being in a relationship, yet today, we were the most interesting couple in the world. 

"Oh!" My mom replied, completely taken aback.

"Hi Mrs. Achter, I'm Joe. It's very nice to meet you," he said, waving into the camera. My mom was still shocked, her mouth open, speechless.

"You can't tell Aunt Carolyn. You can't tell anyone, mom," I rushed, "I'm not even supposed to tell anyone. This whole thing has to be kept quiet, which is how I prefer it. The boys asked me to go along with them to the awards last night as their guest, and now the paparazzi are obsessed with trying to figure out who I am. But, don't worry, it's all under control here. So, please, don't say anything to anyone. Please."

I didn't want to beg her, but I basically was. I had to. My mom didn't keep secrets from her sisters, and I knew that this was going to be very hard for her, but I hope she understood that careers were on the line if she did say anything. 

"It's very nice to meet you too, Joe. Did you have a good time in London? You know, Mandy is obsessed with all things English," she finally replied, and I was able to breathe a little easier. 

"Yes, I did. She's an excellent tour guide. She brought me to Harrods and made me spend all my money," he joked with her, and my mom laughed a little.

"She got me a teapot from Harrods for my birthday a few years ago, but I've never been there myself," she continued, "Okay, well, I have to get going. Just thought I would try to see what was going on. Joe, it was nice to meet you and hopefully some day I'll meet you in person. Mandy, be safe. I love you," and we said our goodbyes, ending the call. I let myself fall back into the pillows, breathing a sigh of relief. 

This whole thing was becoming much bigger than I ever imagined it could be. I felt so foolish going to the awards last night. If I hadn't gone, none of this would have ever happened. But then again, if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't have this amazing guy who was currently stroking my hair.

"I'm sorry," was all I said, feeling like a piece of shit. 

"I'm not," he whispered, catching my eye before continuing, "Mandy, you have nothing to be sorry for. You haven't done anything wrong. And no matter what anyone says or writes or tries to get a photo of, we know the truth, and that's untouchable. You just keep doing what you're doing."

Joe laid down next to me, moving his arm under me, holding me. His scent, shaving cream and his cologne enveloped me, instantly making me feel better. 

"I'm... Scared," I said softly, not wanting to look him in the eye. 

"It's overwhelming, for sure," he replied in equally hushed tones, nodding, "It was for me, and still is. But, if you want my honest opinion, I think you're in a very powerful position.” I couldn’t help but look up to him in confusion, crinkling my forehead. Powerful? I was weak, if I was anything. I was at their mercy. They could write anything about me and I had no way of stopping them. Not to mention, the comments and I shuddered to think of what the fans will say, “Yes, powerful. Mandy, you are the press. You’re a journalist. They want a story, and you have the ability to write it, to show them who you are. You don’t owe them anything.” and he took my hands in his again, moving so that we were face to face. 

This was a game, and I had the upper hand. I could write this story, my story, and define who I am in this world for myself. Yes, being with Joe allowed the cameras to be turned on me, but it was up to me what I did with that attention. He was right, I had a lot more power than I thought. And I wasn’t going to waste it.

“How do you know the exact right thing to say?” I asked, leaning in to his lips softly, wanting to just melt into him and stay right here all day. 

“Not always, remember? I did say that I hated you after our first kiss,” he joked, barely breaking our contact. 

"Understandably," I laughed, "I did tell you to fuck off..." But he interrupted me, kissing me hard, taking me off guard. I couldn't help but sigh into the kiss, loving how he could make me instantly drunk. It was addicting and a girl could get used to being kissed like this, full of longing, like he needed me to live. 

"I'm sorry, I completely interrupted you," he said in mock apology, letting me catch my breath. 

"How rude," I chastised, sitting up and straightening my shirt, really hoping no one walked past my door and saw us. It was bad timing anyway. My brain was buzzing and I needed to write.

It was amazing how a change in perspective opened the floodgates. Grabbing my computer while Joe ordered us some room service, we set up a picnic on my balcony, which overlooked Paris and had a gorgeous view of the Eiffel Tower. I had been so worried all summer that I wasn't going to have anything of worth to write about the boys, but now I was doing a different article. I was going to write about my life with the boys. With any luck, the world would know my story.


	10. Parachute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know we’ve made the right decision, Mandy, because I know how honest you are and how much integrity you have in your writing. We let you in because we know you won’t hurt us.”

The two of us got lost on that balcony, Joe sitting against the wall, an arm around me as I typed and typed, just letting my emotions go. I could edit later, right now I just wanted to get all the ideas down. They were almost coming too fast; growing up in Chicago, the first days on the road, and the most interesting part, the last 24 hours. It wasn’t done, not even close, but it was a start, something to add to while living it. 

The hardest part though was the fact that I wouldn’t write about the relationship. My love life wasn’t the most interesting part about me, and I wasn’t going to let it define my career. It was better to keep people guessing. I didn’t need to give anyone anymore ammo. Still, the electricity that radiated between Joe and me was on display, that photograph all over the world by now, and had been so essential in my sudden position, it seemed underhanded to not acknowledge it. It's not that I wanted to flaunt it or use Joe's name in any way, it was only that I wanted to report the truth.

Deciding that it may be better for us to stay in as a family, it was a relatively relaxing night. Kevin Skyped with Dani again, Joe and Nick started working on a new song, and I just sat back and took all of this in. It wasn't normal, and I didn't think it ever could be, but it wasn't terrible either. 

This wasn't a business for the faint hearted.

Any other family would be able to go out and enjoy Paris, to go sightsee and take in the city. That's what I had hoped to do when I heard that we would be here for a day. But they weren't just any other family, they were the Jonas's. Going out as a group would be nearly impossible, and I wasn't confident enough to go out into Paris on my own with all the photographers around. So, I sat on the couch in the suite, head on my arms as I stared out the window at the Eiffel Tower growing brighter in the sunset, wishing for the first time that I could be normal.

I couldn't let this pass me by.

Patiently, I waited for night to fall in the city, having dinner with the family, writing, listening to a song form right in front of me. When it got late enough, I excused myself to my room, kissing Joe goodnight, although he stared me down for a few moments before doing so, almost like he knew I was up to something, and then I waited. And waited. And waited. I needed it quiet, both on the floor and outside my window, until I knew that the photographers were gone. 

I finally heard Denise's door close and latch sometime around 11. Grabbing my jacket and purse, making sure to have my keycard and passport, not to mention money, I cracked open my door quietly... Only to be greeted by Joe, a hand up to knock. With wide eyes, I opened the door and pulled him back into my room, frustrated that my plan was so easily ruined.

"Are you... Going somewhere?" He asked, nodding towards my purse and the fact that I was still completely dressed.

"What are you doing at my door?" I returned, just as confused as he was. He wasn't allowed in my room this late.

"I could tell something was up with you since dinner, and I wanted to see if you were still okay, but now..." He answered matter-of-factly, "Are you trying to sneak out?" I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"Yes," I said, seeing how feeble my plan had been, "It's not that I really wanted to sneak out, but I've never been to Paris, and I'm dying to see something, but I've felt trapped all day with the paps outside the hotel, so I thought going at night would be my best option," I spilled, feeling my hopes go right down the drain. I was never going to see Paris. Seriously, who does that? Who goes to Paris and then doesn't go see anything? 

Joe took a second to consider my plea and it was agony for me. I knew it was a stupid idea, there was so much that could go wrong. I could get lost, I could be seen, I could get hurt, any number of things could happen to me, but I didn't care. I needed to see Paris.

"I'll get my jacket," he simply said and slipped out of my room before I could even process what he had said. Wait, what? Silently, I closed my door behind me and tiptoed down the hallway to the elevator, holding the door for Joe when it opened. Not a moment too soon did he come down the hallway, bowler hat firmly on his head, black leather jacket wrapped around him. God, my boyfriend was so cool. We piled into the elevator, a stupid grin plastered on my face, and as soon as the doors closed I couldn't help but kiss him hard, thanking him for indulging my beatnik fantasy. Once in the lobby, Joe signaled to the doorman, who had a taxi all queued up for us, and in slightly disjointed French, asked for it to take us to the Louvre. 

The adrenaline was coursing through me. I couldn't believe he actually let me, and wanted to come with me on this adventure. My basic high school French was probably going to fail me, but my imagination was more than making up for it. If we had more time, I would want to go everywhere Amelie was filmed, but for now, only the most famous of sights would be available. The Louvre was the perfect place to start. We wouldn't be able to get inside at this time of night, of course, but I had no real love for the Mona Lisa anyway. I just wanted to see the pyramid. The taxi sped through the relatively empty streets, the lights whizzing by us, and Joe's hand in mine made me blissfully dizzy. This city was magic.

In no time at all, the taxi pulled up alongside the courtyard and Joe paid the driver while we piled out. It was practically deserted, the huge glass pyramid jutting out in the center, lit from the inside, illuminating the classical building around it, the museum quiet in the nighttime. 

“Oh wow…” was all I could say, pacing around it, the warm summer air brightening my spirits considerably. “It’s so surreal, you know? This is something I learned about in French 1, in a textbook, but here it is. It’s real,” I explained, looking back at Joe, who couldn’t stop watching me with a stupid grin on his face, “What?” I asked with a smile, suddenly very conscious of how I was acting. 

“Nothing,” he replied, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

“No, what is it?” and I walked back to him, reaching out to take his hand in mine.

“I love that you get excited about things. Most girls that I’ve known always try to act cool or whatever around me and my brothers, trying to impress us and I love that you are yourself. You get excited, you tell stories, you show your happiness.”

“I never wanted to try to impress you, Joe. I just wanted you to like me.”

“Well,” and he looked up at the pyramid, pulling me to his chest, embracing me, “It worked. I like you.”

It sounded so cheesy but was so truthful while he held me. It was all so high school, this whole feeling of liking someone. But still, knowing how he felt about me made my heart flutter in my chest. I've never had anyone actually say that they like me, and feel the same way about them too. 

"You liiiiiiike me," I teased, breaking the embrace and taking his hand, starting our walk along the river, "Which is good, because I like you too."

"Have you really never had a boyfriend?" he asked, the lights from the buildings glittering on the water, the sound of the city quiet in the background. European cities weren't like American ones. In New York or even Chicago, at any given moment you could hear cars and horns honking, people yelling. Not here. Sure, cars went by, but it was peaceful. They knew how good they had it here. The question was exhausting to me though. He was there on the plane when I had discussed it with his brothers, he knew it all.

"You are my first," I responded, keeping my eyes forward. I assumed Joe had had girlfriends before, but what he considered a girlfriend might be very different, being that he's never '"officially" had one.

"I am honored," he said in mock surprise, placing a hand over his heart, and I just rolled my eyes at him, "How does it feel?"

"What, to have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, to be in a relationship."

"It's..." Weird? Exciting? Gives me anxiety and makes me feel incredibly cool and uncool at the same time? "Different. But, like, a good different. On the one hand, it’s amazing to have someone to lean on, that I know I can come to you and talk to you. Not to mention all the kissing and making out is very fun,” I joked, “But I’m still getting used to the thought that my life now involves someone else. I’m so used to not having to think about anyone else, but now I’ve found that I want to think of someone else. I want to include you in my plans.”

“You’re the first girl that I've ever been with that…,” and he hesitated for a moment, leaving me in suspense. First girl that’s not famous? That can legally buy him alcohol? “That I want to tell everyone about. I want to brag about you, how incredible you are, how much fun you are. I don’t want to hide you, Mandy.”

It felt like some slowed down almost as my brain processed what he was telling me. He wanted to go public, less than 24 hours after publicly denying the relationship. It was incredibly flattering, yet insanely scary. And something I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Not yet, at least.

“That’s so sweet, Joe. It really is…”

“But it’s too soon. I know,” he finished, a little sadly.

"It's not even that," I comforted, wrapping my arms around his waist as we walked, "I want to have time to learn about you, to learn about us, and our relationship, before we add anymore pressure or public opinion into the mix. Not to mention, are you sure career-wise that it's something you want to do? I'm perfectly okay having this stay secret, like Kevin and Dani." 

"In terms of my career, I think I'm ready to start being more honest. I mean, we're all young guys, it only makes sense that any one of us would start dating, and it be seen in public," he reasoned out.

"Yeah, but when I found out that Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys had a girlfriend, I cried for pretty much a whole day," I explained, hoping he understood the gravity of the decision.

"So you don't want me to do it because you think it'll hurt the fans?" he clarified as the Eiffel Tower came into view.

"No, I don't want you to do it because I'm selfish and I want you all to myself, if just for a little while," I said with a smile, holding him tighter. He laughed gently, a hand softly stroking my back as we approached the Trocodero Gardens, directly across the river from the glittering structure. 

As much as I hated doing the touristy things in London, I was loving being a tourist in Paris. There was so much more I wanted to see and do, but I knew it would have to wait for some other time. However, I wasn’t going to pass up finally seeing the Eiffel Tower in person. It was still lit, the lights turning on and off randomly, making it sparkle against the blackened sky, showing off how beautiful it really was. All I could do was stand there from the bridge and marvel. My heart felt so full it could burst. 

Joe held my hand in his own, letting the moment be, thankfully. There were no words needed right now. Right here, being here, a warm breeze running through me, it finally hit. This was my life. This was real. I was really in Paris with a guy who liked me, and it wasn’t going to go away once I woke up. It wasn't anything that I ever expected out of my life, yet now that it was happening, I couldn't help but be excited at what the future held. I was happy, really happy, for the first time in a long time. I had to take a second to compose myself, and hoped Joe didn’t notice my eyes welling up with small tears.

With a gentle pull, Joe led us across the river, coming right up to it, taking it upon himself to get tickets to go up it. I opened my mouth to protest but with one small shake of his head, I found all my reasons not to didn’t matter anymore. Getting in the next elevator, it brought us all the way to the top, which was pretty deserted, being that it was past midnight already.

The tower had finished it’s light show at this point and instead cast a warm glow over the city below us. Paris spread out in all directions, L'Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame, even the red windmill of the Moulin Rouge was lit up. I couldn't help but let a smile crawl across my lips, so unbelievably happy in this moment. We were on top of the world and nothing could touch us. 

"You look so beautiful tonight," Joe said, catching me completely off guard. While I had been admiring the beauty of the city from this view, he had been watching me. I turned to face him, hoping the night sky would shadow the redness in my cheeks. I still wasn't used to compliments and I didn't know if I ever would be. Looking him in the eyes, I snaked my arms around his waist and pushed my lips into his. He replied in kind, holding me tight, my head spinning from emotions, yet none of it mattered right now. His tongue swiped lightly across my bottom lip and I allowed him entry, deepening it, not giving a shit if anyone could see. We were two lovers at the top at of world.

"Thank you," I whispered against his lips, wanting so badly to just stand there, having him hold me, “How did I get so lucky?”

“You were yourself,” he replied, pulling his head back slightly to look at me, yet not moving his body, “You were you, and you’re irresistible.” Oh god, I couldn’t take it. I was like putty in his hands and all I could do was bury my face in the crook of his neck, hoping this night would never end.

Of course, the night did have to end, and with another kiss at my door, we parted ways at 2:30 am.

And Denise woke me up at 6.

I really did need to start sleeping more. 

Breakfast was quiet, Joe being the last of us to get out of bed, as per usual, but I could tell the vibe between the brothers was off, at least between Kevin and Joe. Kevin knew. Of course he did, he was rooming with Joe, and when Joe snuck out and didn’t return until way later… I only hoped that Kevin wouldn’t rat us out to his parents. Tucking into a pain au chocolate, my phone buzzed next to me on the table.

You look exhausted this morning. Care to fill me in?

My eyes flicked from the screen up to meet Kevin’s from across the table, my expression neutral. Apparently Joe got the same text, being that he rolled his eyes at Kevin after reading his phone. Nick just watched on, looking slightly puzzled. 

“What’s going on?” Nick asked slowly, looking between the three of us.

“Nothing,” Joe responded, going back to his breakfast and yawning.

“Whatever, you guys are all weird.” The whole exchange made me feel badly. I never wanted to come between them and I wouldn’t let something like this start it. Going back to my phone, I typed out:

I snuck out last night to see some of the city and Joe caught me, so he came with. Please don’t tell.

And I watched as Kevin read my explanation, pleading with him from across the table. He kind of raised his eyebrows but just set down his phone, nodding towards me a little. I sighed from relief and went back to my breakfast, drinking far too much coffee so that I could stay awake. 

"I can't wait to get on that beach and just relax," Denise said to the table at large, the boys all nodding in agreement. I couldn't help but agree with her. I could use a few days of sunshine and sleep, some time to pull back from the insanity and gain perspective. I couldn't wait to hang out as a family, no schedules, no interviews, no cameras.

"I don't have a bathing suit," I wondered out loud. I supposed it didn't really matter; I wasn't exactly one for tanning or laying out on the beach. In fact, I was so pale that I looked like a ghost. 

"We'll go shopping and find you one," Denise explained and Joe perked up considerably at the mention of bathing suit shopping, "Just the girls," she added, and he deflated again, picking moodily at his muffin, "but we have a flight to catch so we need to get going. 5 minutes guys!" The reaction was instant, everyone moved from the table, splitting off to their respective rooms to finish packing. 

I hadn't really unpacked anything, since we were only in Paris for the one night, but it was amazing how the boys spread out wherever they went. There was a mad dash for socks and razors, for game cartridges and chargers. Fishing a shoe from under the bed, I helped Frankie shove the last of his things in his bag just as Denise was making the final call, and once everything was accounted for, we headed off as a group to start our vacation. 

The flight was uneventful, clouds making anything difficult to see for the majority of the trip, but I could tell at once that we had made it to the south of France. The beaches were pristine white as the sun broke through, the palm trees waving lazily in the breeze. It looked like paradise. We landed and our car took us to our villa for our stay, no hotels this time. From the front, we could see boats out on the clear blue water, and not small ones. These were speed boats and yachts, the people around here had money to burn. I felt like I had tricked my way into this life and any minute it would all be taken away.

I couldn’t help but wonder what their life was like before all of this, before the white mansions and swanky hotels, before cars met them at the airport, before girls screamed their names. Kevin and Joe had touched on it briefly, but after living like this, could someone go back to nothing? Somehow, I couldn’t imagine Joe staying at a Holiday Inn, not when he had made himself so comfortable in a lounge chair on the terrace, his shirt half unbuttoned to give more than a hint at his pasty white, but toned, chest. Before I could even set my bags down, Frankie had already changed into his swimming trunks and cannonballed into the pool. I took a seat on the other lounger, letting a small smile crawl across my lips. The sun did feel nice, especially after being cooped up in hotel rooms for so long.

“If you would like, we could go into town to find you a suit,” Denise offered, leaning over to button up Joe’s shirt again, much to his disappointment. 

“Yeah, that sounds great,” I smiled, although it was completely fake. I wasn’t really looking forward to trying to find a bathing suit because it only meant more personal maintenance for me, and I didn’t have Michelle and her team of miracle workers to help. It was one thing to look good in a dress, it was quite another to look good in a bikini. My goal was to find a plain one-piece and get it over with. The less skin it showed, the better. 

“Mom, I really think I should go on this little excursion with you ladies. I mean, I was right with the red dress for the awards. I do have an eye for these things,” Joe pleaded, undoing his mother’s work so that I would get an eyeful. Denise just rolled her eyes at her son reproachfully, shaking her head. 

“I can dress myself, thank you, Joseph,” I countered and the smile slipped from his face and onto Denise’s, “I’ve been doing it pretty much since I was three.” With that, I stood from my chair and leaned down to give him quick kiss in the cheek before heading out with his mother to find a dreaded bathing suit.

A taxi took us into town, my eyes not being able to take in the sights fast enough. London is my home, but Cannes could be my vacation spot for sure. The taxi dropped us at the end of an avenue that was lined with shops and cafes, people zig-zagging across the street with huge boutique bags. Once again, I felt very out of place in this world. 

"So, what has been your favorite experience so far?" Denise asked as we stepped into the first place that was full of shoes, no suits in sight. I guess this was going to be a full on shopping trip, bonding time with the mom, and not just a quick outing. 

"There's been so much," I started, picking up a pair of sandals and feigning interest in them, "London, of course. London is my favorite place in the world, so it's always exciting to go back. But I love the community and family that has come out of this.” Of course, her son was also one of my favorite parts of all this, but I didn’t really want to talk about Joe with her, not in that way. 

“I’m so happy to hear that, Mandy, because we are a family, and we do consider you to be a part of it,” she echoed, and I let a grateful smile spread across my face. It was a little bit of a relief to know how they really felt about me. I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t been a little anxious about it all, especially when Joe was being horrible and claimed that nobody wanted me around. I was glad that I had grown on them. It also made the other source of my worry easier to identify.

“You all are treating me so well and I can’t help but wonder why?” I asked her, probably too bluntly before gathering myself again, “I mean, I’m not complaining in the slightest, so please don’t get me wrong, but I also know for a fact that the other kids in my internship program aren’t traveling and living with their bosses…” I could see the slight confusion run through her eyes while she thought of an answer to my question, so calm and collected, like a mother always is when it came to difficult questions.

“Your situation, and ours, is very unique,” she started, ignoring all the other shoes in the shop, “No one else has the chance you do. We’ve trusted you with everything in the hopes that you would see a side of the band that isn’t out there yet; that there’s more to us than just screaming girls and God. Kevin and I made a decision when we agreed to bring you on board that you would be given all access to everything, and in order to do that, you became part of our family. I know we’ve made the right decision, Mandy, because I know how honest you are and how much integrity you have in your writing. We let you in because we know you won’t hurt us.”

Her words hung in the air between us as I absorbed them all. It was humbling to take it in. I knew they trusted me, obviously, or else I wouldn’t know about Dani and wouldn’t be dating their son, but to hear that they never had any doubts about me at all, that was a sobering thought. They had every option to keep me at arms length, to treat me like the crew or the band, could have let me have two weeks off and told me to meet them in LA, but instead they brought me along. By letting me walk 5,000 miles in their shoes, I would write a more honest depiction of her sons and maybe start to change the public perceptions of them. It was a brilliant plan. 

“Those kids aren’t having nearly as much fun as I am either,” I remarked with a small laugh and she smiled, going back to a pair of ankle boots she was trying on. 

“I’m really glad to hear that. I was worried that you were getting a little homesick.”

“It’s not that I was getting homesick as much as I was feeling out of place.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, worry in her voice. I wanted to choose my words carefully as to not throw her son under the bus. She paid for her new shoes and we exited the shop, crossing the street.

“My job on this tour is to write an article about the band but for a little bit, I felt that I had little to write about that hadn’t already been said. I was learning a lot, of course, but a lot of it I couldn’t use, so I kind of felt in the way. I knew my whole attitude would change once we got to London, and getting to see Steph in New York helped immensely, so I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want you to think I was complaining,” I explained, feeling a little ashamed of my actions during the early part of the tour. I had been so wrapped up with Joe and how much he hated me to realize how much of an opportunity had been presented to me. 

“First off, don’t ever hesitate to come to me if you need anything, anything at all. I am a mom first, above boss or manger. I see you as the daughter I was never blessed with, so I will always be there for you, even after your time with us is over,” she assured me as we stepped into a swimwear boutique, “And secondly, you aren’t ever in the way at all. You preform your duties fantastically and have been a pleasure to be around. It was so nice being able to hang out in your room as you got ready for the awards. I never get to do that. The boys don’t gossip or care as much, and it was fun for me to be around other women and be girly. So I love having you around. I want the same for you as my boys, I want you to be happy. Joe was telling me how your article seems to have taken off now?"

"Oh, yeah, at least it's better than nothing. I want to be as honest as I possibly can when talking about this life and tell the world how hard the boys work, and that they aren't just some flash in the pan Disney band," I explained, happy to have moved onto something other than my feelings. It was very humbling to know that she saw me as a daughter, in the same way she saw Dani. Of course, Dani and Kevin were a lot more serious about their relationship that Joe and I, but the sentiment was there all the same. We thumbed through the selection of suits, all of them looking either too plain or way to revealing for my comfort. I didn't want to look like a grandma, but somehow I couldn't see myself wearing a thong bikini either. 

"That's a really interesting angle for a story, and certainly one that I know I would like to read. How are you planning on getting it published?" She asked as she held up a two piece suit for my approval. I gave it a once over and shrugged, taking it from her. It was sort of retro looking, a structured halter and a high waisted bottom, black with white polka-dots, with pink roses in random spots. It was kind of cute.

"I have no idea, really. I guess just like every other person starting out, sending off my resume with portfolio samples and hoping for the best," I answered, feeling feeble. I wish I had more of a plan beyond the end of this internship. The end was coming sooner than I cared to admit and the thought of being kicked off the tour was a little more than I could bare to think about. If I was going to leave, I wanted to leave on my own terms, with a paying job. 

“Well, we might have some contacts at a few places, and I would be more than happy to pass your information along,” she offered as I picked up a light blue one piece that was far too sexy to be trying on in front of my boyfriend’s mom, even if I thought Joe would die if he saw me in it. 

“That’s very generous, Denise. Let me see how my article goes and I’ll let you know when it’s ready to go out into the world,” I said, torn over what she was offering. On the one hand, having an in in the industry was crucial and not something to pass up. On the other, I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t use the family in that way, especially Joe. And, on the third hand, if there was such a thing as a third hand, with how slow this article was coming out, I wouldn’t have anything ready for publishing until 2035. With a small sigh and one last desperate look around the shop, I resigned myself to trying on my only two choices I could even consider. I stepped into the changing room as she took a seat on a bench near the entrance, “Did you know that Joe wants to go public?” I blurted out as I fought with the spandex to go over my hips.

“Really? He does?” She questioned, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she had just as many concerns over it than I did.

“Yeah, but I think I convinced him not to. At least, not yet.”

“That would be a really big step, and something both of you need to talk about and consider before going for it.”

“I just became his girlfriend two days ago, I don’t need anymore outside pressure,” I said, stepping out the the fitting room in the black retro bikini. It actually looked really cute on, sort of like a 1950’s pinup, plus it made my boobs look really good.

“Oh wow, that’s an adorable swimsuit!” Denise gushed and all thoughts of the too sexy one flew from my mind, “Exactly. It’s too soon and too fast, but that’s Joe for you. He gets really excited about things and wants to tell everyone without considering everything. He’s been the hardest to wrangle in when it comes to confidentiality,” and she laughed a little as I took myself in in the mirror. A big hat, some cat-eye sunglasses, and a ruby red lip and I would look like I stepped right out of a magazine. Plus, it was modest enough for the family, and it hid the things I didn’t like. This was a miracle swimsuit. 

I couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot while I paid for the suit, plus a pair of simple black leather sandals to go with them, and Denise got the aforementioned huge hat and a sarong to tie around her waist before we headed back to the house. I certainly felt lighter than I did before we had left, a lot of my fear and anxiety being squashed by our talk. I was glad she felt the same way I did about going public with the relationship. We were less than 48 hours into it, there was no need to shout it at the top of his lungs. 

Denise had decided that we would have an evening dinner out on the beach, calling ahead so that Kevin Sr could make arrangements while we made our way back to the villa. As disappointed as I was in Paris was how excited I was right now. I couldn't wait to be back out on the beach and near the water. And having a cute suit didn't hurt at all. Joe practically bounded down the driveway and his eyes lit up at the sight of our bags, especially mine. 

"Did you find anything? Did you get anything for me?" He asked like the 8 year old boy he was.

"No, nothing for you because you can buy your own stuff, and you'll just have to wait and see," I said as I leaned in and kissed his cheek, his smile turning into a frown at the thought of having to wait before taking the bags from Denise and making our way back into the house. Frankie was still in the pool, Kevin having joined him, and Nick laid on one of the lounges, his ever-present guitar in his hands. 

“You boys will defiantly have to make it into town tomorrow, it’s fantastic. It’s completely breathtaking how gorgeous it is,” Denise explained, coaxing Frankie out and draping him with a towel. The kid’s lips were starting to turn blue and he needed to warm up in the mid afternoon sun if he was going to go into the water at the beach. 

“I’m down for that, but first, I am starving,” Nick responded, sitting up in the chair.

“Dinner should be here any minute, and then we can all go down to the beach, so go get ready,” Kevin Sr informed and the boys snapped to attention instantly. The promise of food was an amazing motivator. The three eldest ran off to their respective rooms, Denise calling that they wear shirts until we got to the waterfront. I just tiptoed off to my own room, hoping the suit looked as good here as it did in the store.

It wasn’t that I thought I had a bad body, not at all. I had a fairly healthy relationship with food, and I had curves in most of the right places. I had to create some on top but that was okay every once in awhile. But like most other women, when it came to my swimsuit, it wasn’t exactly the most confidence building of exercises. Now that I had already put it on once, I didn’t struggle with the bottoms as much, and tied the top snuggly in front with a tight bow. I had to lift the girls up a little to make sure the top felt secure, but for the most part it looked just as good. Grabbing my brush, I pulled my hair up into an obnoxiously high ponytail and dug out some pink lipstick. Taking a step back, I admired my handiwork in the mirror. I felt like Barbie. No, I didn’t have sunglasses or a giant hat, but I did look really cute, like a slightly tamer version of a pinup, which was just fine with me at this moment. Smiling to myself, I joined everyone else back down in the kitchen, a little more spring in my step.

I couldn’t help but catch Joe’s eye as I walked in, noticing how effortlessly he smiled when he saw me. It was times like this I wish we had a little more privacy, a little less time being spent as a family on this vacation. My mind went back to the night before and how he kissed me on top of the world, so passionate and needy, and a shiver went down my spine at the thought. Was it bad that I really wanted to ditch his family and take him off somewhere? Was it even worse of me that, if there were different circumstances, I would be okay with sleeping with him already? No, not at all, but I wasn’t about to be the bad influence on Joe Jonas. He had to break out of that himself. I would just be his partner in crime. 

The group of us left the property, towels and coolers and baskets of food in hand, and we made our way across the road and down the rock path to a little slightly secluded area of coastline. It was sort of cut off from the main public beach but still shared a dock with it, and it was a perfect place for some peace and quiet. I helped Nick set out all the towels, Joe and Frankie already heading for the water. You would think how the kid was acting that he never got to swim a day in his life. I took a seat on my towel, my eyes settling far out onto the ocean, the sun low in the sky but not yet ready to set, and took a deep breath.

I missed water.

This was needed more than even I knew.

It was renewing for me, calming. Nothing eased me faster and more completely than being by the water, breathing in the salt air and letting go of everything. The warm breeze played across my skin and I couldn't help but live in the moment. 

"Everything okay?" Nick came over and sat near me, looking out over the ocean. 

"Yes," I said with a breath and for the first time in a while, I believed it. He looked over at me, a puzzled expression on his face, "I love being near water. When I was in Wales, my school was right on the beach, so I would get out of class and walk over to it, sitting on the beach all day and just writing. Being around it is so freeing and my mind just opens up."

“Like there’s nothing else in the world,” Nick finished for me and I couldn’t help but smile as I looked over at him. I may be dating his brother, but he certainly understood and could appreciate how my mind worked. 

Kevin joined us as I was explaining, nodding. Of course, he had heard a lot of this before, at the Hall of Fame. I missed Wales immensely, mostly because the water, although this moment, right now, was pretty great. Joe's shirt was soaked and clinging to his chest, defining every muscle. He caught my eye and smiled a wicked smile, reaching down and pulling it over his head, not giving a shit if his parents saw. The spark that my dream that night in London created flared up again. Jesus Christ, did I want him. Unconsciously I bit my bottom lip and he saw it, coming back towards us.

“Hey, none of us want to see that,” Kevin called after him and Joe threw his soaking wet shirt at him, reaching down to offer me a hand.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say none of you…” Joe retorted and he pulled me to my feet, suddenly very conscious of how naked I felt in front of him. Wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me into the water, despite my protests, and when the water hit my legs, I screamed from the sudden coldness, but I couldn't help laughing with him.

"You're dead, Jonas," I yelled and shoved all my body weight into him, making him lose his balance so that we both fell into the sea, the waves overtaking us. Once I got used to it, the water wasn't that cold, and with the sun starting to set, it shined over the water, giving a golden glow over out little spot of paradise. He wrapped his arms around my waist, settling his head on my shoulder as we looked out over the sea, absorbing the scenery. I couldn't help but lean into him. I was so happy with him, in this moment, and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this, not even for my career. "I won't tell anyone about us, not until we are ready, if we decide to go public." Joe only wrapped his arms around me tighter.


	11. Don't Trust Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garbo surveyed me up and down, taking a long drag of his cigarette and finishing it before starting. “I’ve known Joe a little bit longer than you have and I hate to break it to you, he would. Any guy in his position would, especially if they had a girl like you. But, I will say this: he won’t wait for marriage, but he does want to be in love.”
> 
> “Love,” I pushed the word around my mouth like I was preparing to spit it out. That was too heavy of a word to just throw out there, and too foreign a concept for me to even start to wrap my mind around, “Then there’s nothing to tell. Joe and I aren’t in love.”
> 
> “You sure about that?” And Garbo stuffed his hands in his pockets, going back inside to leave me with a billion more questions.

If there is one thing I’ve learned while on summer vacation, it’s that it pays to be the biggest band in the world right now. French wine, days spent on the beach, nights out on the town, it was no wonder the rich and famous came here. Cannes was a playground. 

Luckily, three quarters of us were legal, so we explored the south of France to the fullest... mostly it's nightclubs. It was a bit different without the band, but in a way, it was way better. This time, Joe and I weren't at each other's throats, instead opting to spend it on the dance floor, finding more dark corners to sneak off to, away from any possible prying eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I was this happy, this free. I loved being part of this family, and I loved being with him.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him as we took a walk along the beach on our last full day in this paradise. We both had been quiet, which was always welcome in my book, but Joe held a different quiet about him. He looked almost sad.

With a small sigh, he looked up and gave me a weak smile, "You, to be honest."

"Me?" That wasn't the answer I had been expecting, and I certainly hoped that thinking of me didn't make him sad. 

"Yeah, but not in a bad way or anything. At least, I hope not bad." He was starting to scare me. Was he going to break up with me? Was he not having as much fun as I had been? "Have you thought about what is going to happen to us after your internship is over?"

The question hit me like a wave, icy at first and just plain uncomfortable. Sure I had, I thought about it before any of this had happened, but I really tried hard to push it out of my mind. I wanted to enjoy now with him, not waste it worrying about the future.

"Yes, of course," I started slowly, trying to choose my words as delicately as possible. Obviously, he had his own thoughts on this relationship and I didn't want to invalidate them, "It's hard to make any definitive plans right now, Joe, being that I don't know anything more than you do. What are your thoughts?"

"I was hoping that we would stay together, " he said plainly, not sugarcoating it, which right now, I appreciated, "I know we don't know anything, but I think that's okay. What I want is for you to get a job you like, and we'll figure out the rest of it."

It warmed my heart to hear him say that, but the logical part of my brain was screaming the obvious: long distance relationships are extremely difficult, and at not yet 19, Joe may be just a little bit naïve. 

"I'm so happy that you understand that I want my own career and that I'm not going to put mine on hold for yours. But, at the same time, are you okay with the thought of being in a long distance relationship possibly?" It was hard to even say it, but I needed to know that he understood the gravity of what he was committing to. 

When he didn't answer, I knew that he hadn't thought it through completely, and part of me was okay with that. Another part of me wanted to shake him and cry because he was doubting our future, but mostly I was okay with it. It wasn't that I was doubtful, because I really wasn't, but saying that you'll make it work and actually making it work were two different things. 

Bending down, Joe picked something up off the sand, turning it over in his hands. He looked me in the eyes, a reassuring smile on his face as he took my hand in his, pressing the object into it. "I want to be with you, Mandy. Whatever it takes."

With a smile and a new lightness in my heart, I opened my hand to find he had given me a shell, dark indigo on one side, and pearly white on the other. 

The flight back to the States was long and laborious, flying from Cannes to Paris, Paris to New York, then New York to LAX over the course of a day and a half. I was a zombie most of it, just shuffling along and doing what I was told, not wanting to get lost. Nick had somehow managed to squeeze the group into a secret show at the House of Blues when they got back, so the brothers and Kevin Sr mostly poured over plans and technicalities while Denise and I went over my article. I decided to skip the entirety of the vacation, being that it had nothing to do with the tour or the band and was a family function, plus it could come off as bragging in a way, how they were now afforded the opportunity to vacation in the south of France. I did add a little bit about how the family reacted when the photos surfaced, how they didn't panic, and how I did. Denise thought it was important to show how no matter what anyone writes, these boys, these three boys, are her sons, they are real people. 

It felt a little weird, having this sort of power and in a way, new pressure. I already felt that I had to make this article good, not only for myself, but to not let Krissy down, and to get a job out of this experience. But now, I couldn't let Denise or the guys down either. I had been put in the position of enormous access, like no one ever had before, and I really couldn't screw it up. I didn't want to lose the trust of the family. 

I have never been to LA, but I guess I didn't really expect what was happening. We had landed at LAX and were immediately greeted by cameras, not even waiting for us to leave the airport, and instead decided that baggage claim was a good spot. They shouted questions at the group, the guys opting to nod and smile but not answer anything. I walked, head down, just behind the guys with Frankie while Big Rob made a hole to the car, but I couldn't help and peek up when some of the questions were being directed at me.

How was vacation?

What's it like to be dating Joe?

Can we get a kiss?

All of it only soured my mood towards the press. While being "out" would possibly help to lessen the frenzy, I really thought it would only serve to make things worse. Once they got something, they would want everything. A soft hand on my back brought me back to the situation and I climbed into the car, Joe on my one side and Denise on the other. 

"Don't worry about them. You're going to tell your story," she reassured and I gave a smile, knowing she was right. I laid my head on Joe's shoulder, closing my eyes for a bit. I was tired, physically and mentally. I wanted a cigarette but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get one until much later. It had been a long time since we had stopped moving and I was welcoming the change. The thought of sleeping in one bed, away from all the cameras and stupidity almost made me want to cry.

"Dani is landing at Burbank in about 2 hours," Kev reported to no one in particular, messing with his phone once again, "So we need to get back within an hour so the car can pick me up at home."

"We'll be there in plenty of time if the traffic is okay," Big Rob responded. From what I had heard, traffic in LA was notorious and that was not good. There were so many cars on the road trying to get away from the airport and it seemed like we would never get home. Joe snaked his arm across my shoulder and started rubbing my back, calming my nerves. I snuggled my face into his neck a little more, breathing him in deeply. God, he smelled so good, so comforting. All I needed was him and I would be home.

Thankfully, we did make it up to the house before Kevin had to leave again. The house the completely different than the New Jersey house. The Jersey house was a typical family home, enough space for everyone and everything, but a little cramped when that everything came back from traveling around the world. This house, this was a mini mansion, and not so on the mini side. It had a front gate and high wrought iron fences, so no one could climb and get in, something I never really thought about needing before. The house itself was a dark sage green with a red door, and besides being big, was generally inconspicuous. I found out very quickly that we weren't actually in Hollywood, although it was just on the other side of the mountain, and Disney's main offices were about a 10 minute drive. And from what I could glean from listening, they were not the only famous people on the block, though I didn’t dare ask who else was here. 

We stepped into the house to a large light foyer with white marble flooring that wrapped around towards the back, and a hardwood grand staircase leading to the second floor. In an instant, the family scattered, but Joe took my suitcase and hoisted it up to the landing, making it look almost too easy. After nearly five weeks on the road, I had gathered my fair share of souvenirs that had weighed down my luggage considerably. All that working out clearly was paying off and I wouldn’t be a human female if I hadn’t stared at his arms, muscles flexing.

“Your house is insane…” I commented, whipping my head around to take in as much as I could. There were gold and platinum records on the walls, sprinkled in amongst the traditional family portraits and school pictures. It was almost funny how it still felt like their New Jersey house.

“It’s… necessary,” and he opened the door to a modestly sized guest room that had a view of the front yard and driveway, “When we got signed, we needed to be near the studios and offices and it was getting crazy living at the Oakwoods. So, my parents found this house, which was one of the only ones that was close to work and yet big enough for all of us, plus a few guests.” He seemed a little put out about living here, which baffled me a bit. "This place was amazing. But then again…"

“But it’s not home,” I finished for him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He nodded gently and sat beside me, playing with my fingers absentmindedly. Chicago would always be my home, no matter where I lived. LA must be just as intimidating for him as it is for me. 

“It still feels as foreign to me as a hotel suite. The house in Wycoff, that’s where I grew up. That bedroom, that’s my home, at least until I move out on my own.”

“You want to move out?”

“Well, yeah, eventually. I know that now wouldn’t be a good time, and I’m not ready, but probably within a year or so. Maybe when Nick finishes school up, he and I can get a place together,” he dreamed out loud and I couldn’t help but smile. A part of my heart ached for him, for that dream, and longed to be part of it, but the logical part of my brain knew that the odds were that I was never going to see that dream come true.

“Just know that you have a standing invitation at my place, wherever it is that I land,” I reassured and he matched my smile, leaning over to softly capture my lips in his own.

“Is that right? I can’t wait for sleepovers…” he whispered, a hand traveling up the side of my thigh as my fingers tangled in his hair. It had been so long since we had any real alone time and dreams of naughtiness flooded my brain, the thought of waking up next to him, skin to skin, his breath quickening at my touch, the longing at my core only getting worse with each passing moment.

“Mom wants your laundry in the next 2 minutes or else you won’t have any clean underwear,” Nick interrupted, Joe and I sitting back up from our laying position on the bed, his hair fluffy from my hands, my lips swollen, “And it would probably be better for us all if she doesn’t catch you guys like that.”

The blood rushed to my cheeks and I couldn’t help but look down, completely embarrassed. Of course I knew that Joe and I wouldn’t ever get any real alone time, but it was nice to pretend for a few moments. Joe tilted my chip up and placed a soft, tender kiss on my lips before leaving the room, presumably to get his laundry going. He may be a rock star, but when mom says to do your chores, you do you chores. I unpacked and sorted my suitcase, finding that I really didn’t have any clean clothes anymore, being that I hadn’t done laundry since being in New Jersey. It was almost depressing how few cute clothes I had; if it wasn’t a tee or jeans, it wasn’t in my wardrobe. The show was tonight and I wanted more than anything to look good. This was LA, the standards were much higher now.

This whole not moving thing was a little strange to me, which in and of itself was very strange. We would be here until the end of my internship and I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I took what little clothes that were still clean and hung them in the closet, placing my toiletries on the dresser and in the bathroom, and after about five minutes, I still didn’t know what to do. It bothered me that being in one spot wasn’t normal for me anymore. I had heard stories about catching the “travel bug” and never wanting to come off of tour, but I thought that only happened to the artists, not their staff. Sitting on my bed, I had to admit to myself: being on tour meant that I could ignore the outside world. Now that we weren’t constantly moving, the news could find me.

The front door closed and I heard Denise scream for a moment before running. It must have startled everyone in the house because Joe, Nick, and myself all poked our heads out of our rooms, Nick running to the bannister to look over.

“Dani’s here,” he informed us and a small wave of excitement moved through me. Finally, someone else who sort of knew how I felt. Joe looked over towards me and held out his hand, the two of us descending the stairs to meet everyone in the kitchen. There she was, sitting at the kitchen table, looking just how she looked over skype a week and a half before, her hair perfectly curled, wearing a cute dress and wedge sandals. She had been up earlier than us and flying for over five hours and she still looked better than me. 

"Mandy! I'm so excited to meet you!" She exclaimed and stood, coming over and embracing me in a soft hug. I hugged her back in kind, a little taken aback that she was excited to meet me. Since London, all Kevin could talk about was her and how he couldn't wait to get home to see her, and she wants to meet me?

"Oh wow, you're Dani," I said, feeling like this piece of our tribe had come back. I had heard so much about her it was insane to finally be meeting her, "How was your flight?"

"It was eh, as early morning flight are, but then this guy showed up," and she put her arm around Kevin's waist, "With a car and flowers, and now we're here and there's bacon, so it's good now." I couldn't agree with her more about the being here part. Denise had already started with laundry and had every ingredient imaginable out on the kitchen island, making food for everyone. It was her way of bringing us all together. Now that we were all back and not tied to each other, it will be interesting to see how much the brothers really hang out. Everyone loaded up their plates but I passed, wanting to really get settled in my room and to clean up before we headed to the show. 

Instead, I fell asleep on the bed, fully clothed and my monster pile of laundry on it too. I should probably have been more excited about meeting Dani and getting to be a part of their inner world, but I couldn’t really do it right this second. A nap was what I needed, and snuggling with my boyfriend would have made it perfect. 

“Knock, knock…” a soft woman’s voice came from my door, waking me. Wiping the drool from my lips, I sat up, trying to make myself look presentable. Why was it that I always seemed to look like a complete disaster whenever Dani was around? “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you were sleeping! I just wanted to see if you wanted some help getting ready…”

“No, no, it’s okay,” I assured her, pulling a hand through my hair and kind of glancing around the room, “You want to help?” It was a little confusing to me, her wanting to help me get ready. I wish that I could say that I would be fine getting ready on my own, but who was I kidding? 

“Well, I really want to talk with you, but I’m bad at making excuses,” she explained, looking a little embarrassed. She had no reason to be embarrassed, I was the human tornado. After a sufficient amount of awkwardness between us, she said, "So what are you wearing to the show tonight?"

"I have no idea. I don't have anything except jeans and t-shirts," I explained, going through my clothes, both clean and dirty, "I mean, I guess this is no different than any other show on this tour, but at the same time, I kind of wanted to look good. I know that doesn't really make sense..."

"No, it does. At every other show you were just a member of the crew. Tonight, you're there as his girlfriend," she reasoned, helping me sort though the pile, not hesitating at all. 

"Yeah, that's true..." I reasoned. I knew she was right. There was this unspoken pressure about tonight. It was the first show, the first public outing, since Joe and I got together. So far, any picture that had leaked, besides the red carpet ones, were less than flattering, and tonight I would be put back in the position of being spotted by their fans. I didn’t need to give them anything else to use against me. 

“I don’t envy you,” Dani said outright, taking me back a bit. 

“Are you supposed to?” I asked, not really sure where that came from. I never assumed that she was jealous or upset about all the attention I had been getting, especially because I didn’t want any of it myself.

“You know what I’m getting at. What I said when we first talked, how I would have loved to go to the awards with Kevin, I meant that, but I don’t envy the position it’s put you, and Joe, in. Kevin told me about all the press and the paparazzi basically following you guys from airport to airport, how the fishbowl has gotten much smaller since that night. I don’t wish that pressure on anyone, and I think you’re handling all of this incredibly. Much better than I would have, or will, once we go public.”

“Yeah, but Joe and I aren’t public,” I pointed out, throwing a particularly soiled shirt to a pile in the corner, “And I think that’s what makes all this harder, all the lies. But, at the same time, I don’t want to go public, not yet. I just want to spend time with my boyfriend.” I didn’t want to come off as a whiney ungrateful little girl, but if it were up to me, my boyfriend and I would be going to someone else’s concert, not his own tonight. “Why haven’t you and Kevin gone public?”

She kind of stopped for a second and I thought about taking back my question, but I really wanted to know the answer. They had been together longer, and while they hadn't been as public as Joe and I had been forced into being, so why didn't they just confirm they were together and stopped living in secrecy?

"Mostly for my sake, to be honest. We met before the band became what it is today, and when they first started out, it wasn’t really anything that anyone was interested in. It wasn’t until they were on Hannah Montana that the fans became any sort of issue, then Kevin, myself, my parents, and his parents all sat down and decided that we didn’t need to go public. We didn’t know what it would do to Kevin’s career and I didn’t want the added pressure that comes with that territory, as you know. If you watch any of their late night interviews or anything like that, notice that it’s always Joe who answers the girlfriend question. They do that on purpose.”

My mind went searching for anything that I could think of, but I couldn’t find an instance where I saw that. Then again, my whole view of the band was from the inside and I hadn’t spent any time on Youtube catching up on old videos. 

“It was almost a blessing that the whole Miley situation blew up how it did because now, as bad as it sounds, Nick was taking all the heat, and there was a whole company backing their denial. But that’s why I don’t envy you at all. Kevin and I had a few months to date and be a normal couple before everything else became a factor. You, not only are you jumping in right in the eye of the storm, but now to have all the media trying to get pictures of the both of you together too? How are you handling it all?”

“Oh, you know…” I started nonchalantly, trying to keep the dream of a normal life from entering my brain and failing miserably, “Not well. They say I am, but I don’t feel like it’s all okay. You know that I was so scared to leave to hotel in Paris because of the Paparazzi that Joe and I had to sneak out at night to go see any of the sights?”

“You did not sneak out!” she gasped, mostly in shock, and she held up an oversized, thinning, white t-shirt, setting it to the side of all the rejected clothing.

“We did,” I nodded, “I was so distraught at the thought of being in Paris and not getting to see Paris, but I didn’t want to take the risk of being followed again. So I was going to go out alone but Joe caught me and wanted to come with. God, that night was so much fun.” The memory of kissing him at the top of the world, of the way he looked at me while he genuinely listened to me reminisce about the past, I couldn’t help but let a smile crawl across my lips. I longed to do nothing but walk down stairs and wrap myself up in his arms right this second. 

“See, that stuff, those moment, those I am envious. But I also know that Kevin and I will have our own times,” she finished with a smile before holding the shirt back up again, “I have an idea for tonight that I think will look killer on you.” I hoped so because I was too nervous to do anything for myself.

Turns out, Dani is a hair stylist back in New Jersey and had a pretty great sense of style herself, so we settled on the big shirt, draped off of one shoulder. It was thin enough that anyone could see I was wearing a black bra, with my tightest black skinny jeans, ankle booties, and long drapey necklaces down my front. She added curls to my hair in no time flat and I topped it off with Joe’s bowler hat that I had pretty much stolen at this point. I had to say, I was liking this. It was cool and effortless, like Los Angeles. I looked my age and like I belonged backstage at a concert, hanging out with the band… even though that band was the Jonas Brothers.

“Jesus…” Joe commented as he came into my room, taking me by my hip and pulling me to him, the two of us getting lost in a deep kiss, his hips pressing into me. He was needy and I didn’t exactly mind it. 

“O-kay, I’m going to go find my boyfriend…” and Dani excused herself as my fingers tangled in his hair.

“You’re going to drive me crazy all night with that black bra…” he growled against my lips and I couldn’t help but giggle. 

“I take it you approve?” I finished with a small step back, Joe’s fingers trailing down my arms and taking a firm grip on my hands. 

“I always approve. You’re beautiful, Mandy,” and I couldn’t help but blush. I didn’t know if I would ever get used to being complimented by someone that wasn’t my mom or dad. I grabbed my purse and we headed down to meet up with everyone, heading out to the House of Blues. 

Already, as we pulled around the back of the iconic venue, there was a line of girls hoping to get in. They were running this one much like the New York secret show, with a tweet that went out about two hours before. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself, remembering when I was 15 and saw Hanson at the House of Blues in Chicago. The floor shook and seemed to bounce during “If Only” and I couldn’t believe how packed it was. Passes firmly around our necks, Dani and I jumped off the edge of the stage and into the pit, taking in the whole view. The various religious symbols above the stage always fascinated me, the credo “Unity in Diversity, All are One” emblazoned in the middle, and the tiers of balconies, each with their own dedicated bar, seemed like an odd choice of venue for a Disney band, but for the first time this whole tour, they felt more like proper rock stars than teen heartthrobs. 

“Is that Miss Mandy I see?” Garbo called from the stage, squinting into the lights.

“GARBO!” I shrieked and ran back towards him, awkwardly climbing up it and crashing into him with a huge bear hug. I had been so caught up with everything that had happened with Joe and the paps that I hadn’t realized how much I missed him. 

“Don’t break him, we need our bassist,” Nick commented and I let go, a little embarrassed how happy I was to be back with the band. Now, finally, everything could start getting back to normal. 

“Dani, girl, get over here,” Garbo called and she came back over, a lot more elegantly that I did, and he embraced her, as did the rest of the band. 

“How many people can fit in here?” I asked, the place looking simultaneously huge and tiny. Some girls were going to be disappointed, for sure, but I think even more will be when they don’t get on the barrier. 

“A little over a thousand,” Kevin answered and I nodded. A thousand sounded like a lot, but that was also taking into consideration that there would be people in the back, hanging out by the bar like at any normal show, not an army of teenage girls who all want to be as close as possible to the boys that live on their posters in their rooms, “Hey, can we run through “Free Fallin’” first before we figure out the setlist?” They all nodded and started to warm up, tuning and taking their positions, and Dani and I took that as our cue to go back down and find some seats.

I probably loved the sound check more than the actual show, which was a new feeling for me. The live concert experience, with the crowd and the energy, is what made me want to do music journalism in the first place, but when you're dating the arguable lead singer of the group, there was something special about knowing he was singing only to you. Joe's voice soared over “Free Fallin’" and I couldn't help but smile when he sang that he was a bad boy. The girls didn't even know. All three of the brothers were in top form, the vacation serving to reenergize the band. This was their hometown show; they came back to impress. 

Dani and I cheered between the songs, being fangirls, she screaming, "KEVIN I LOVE YOU!" across the venue. He stupid smile said it all. Denise was right, he was going to marry her. It was all too adorable, but not in that cynical way, where you couldn’t believe that these people actually could be that happy, it was in the way that made you happy too. I couldn’t help but wonder if Joe and I would get to that part of a relationship; if our relationship made others happy too and want to be around us. But, then again, it was easier to be in a relationship when the whole world didn’t think they were privileged to the details. 

After a few more songs, the band went on a break, and that was my cue to seek out the solace of a cigarette with Garbo, which I had sorely missed. I found him out back, the screams from the queue floating towards us as they let the girls in finally. I shuttered to think what it would look like once I got back inside, but for right now, he lit me a cigarette without even needing to be asked. Such a gentleman.

“Well well well, who do we have here? This couldn’t be Mandy, the intern, could it?” and he held out his hand, spinning me in place to get a look at me. A lot had changed since New York, namely, I was wearing heels, “Europe treated you well.”

“Yeah, me and London get along,” I joked, taking a drag and feeling all the stupid worries float away with the smoke.

“I’ve heard, and so has the world. Have you and Joe banged yet?”

I coughed up my pull at his question, hoping he was messing with me, but the look on his face meant he was completely serious. “Excuse me?”

“Have you two released some of that sexual tension on each other? I get it, you're boyfriend and girlfriend now, which is great and all, but Jesus, you two were practically eye-fucking each other in there.”

"We were not eye-fucking each other at all! Looking at each other is allowed," I snapped back, completely embarrassed and a little pissed off. There was no sexual tension between us to be released... sort of. I mean, making out was always a thrill, both of us pushing our boundaries just a little bit more, and then there was my dream about him back in London... "Do you really think Joe would do that?" I asked, a little too curious for my own good.

Garbo surveyed me up and down, taking a long drag of his cigarette and finishing it before starting. "I've known Joe a little bit longer than you have and I hate to break it to you, he would. Any guy in his position would, especially if they had a girl like you. But, I will say this: he won't wait for marriage, but he does want to be in love."

"Love," I pushed the word around my mouth like I was preparing to spit it out. That was too heavy of a word to just throw out there, and too foreign a concept for me to even start to wrap my mind around, "Then there's nothing to tell. Joe and I aren't in love."

"You sure about that?" And Garbo stuffed his hands in his pockets, going back inside to leave me with a billion more questions. 

Love and sex were two of the stupidest and most complex concepts ever. You could have one without the other, for sure, but there was this fascination with having both. That's what the whole purity ring movement was about, that you saved yourself for marriage, and marriage symbolized love. Although, I knew of plenty of marriages that failed and even more people that were disappointed they waited to lose their virginity. I guess I could understand why he would want to wait, and we certainly didn't need something else complicating our relationship, but it still bothered me that Joe was supposedly closer to that point than I was.

With a sigh, I headed back into the venue as the sun went down, heading back to the green room to pop a couple of mints from my purse before finding the boys again. Jogging, I made it just in time for the prayer and huddle, squeezing in next to Joe as Kevin Sr asked for a blessing on the show. 

“Have fun. Let your hair down. We’re home. Let’s go out there and show them how we do things in LA,” he encouraged, lifting us all up with his words. I couldn’t help but get excited, Garbo’s conversation leaving my mind. We all put our hands in, chanting ‘showtime’ before Joe turned to me, wrapping his hands around my waist and looking down into my eyes. It was stupid how happy he made me just by looking at me. My hands snaked up against his thin black v-neck shirt and wrapped behind his neck, my thumbs playing with the little hairs that lay there. 

“I heard that there’s going to be a pretty special girl in the audience tonight,” Joe teased, biting his bottom lip slightly.

“Oh really? Then you better put on the best show of your life,” I played back, gently brushing my lips against his, whispering, “Go be a fucking rockstar.” He captured my lips with his, a deep and needy kiss that made me hold onto him so I didn’t lose my balance. God, I loved being his girlfriend.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Kevin softly echoed to Dani, the two of them engaging in a sweet kiss.

Nick stood off, awkwardly tuning this guitar, but we all heard him when he muttered, “I need to get a girlfriend.” Sheepishly, I pulled away from Joe, who could only laugh at his poor little brother. It wasn’t easy being the fifth wheel.

“Shall we?” I asked Dani, making sure I had money and my ID in my jeans pocket.

“Yes, lets just find a bathroom before we go to our spot,” and she gave Kevin another little peck before the brothers went one way, and Dani and I exited out to the theater. The floor was completely packed, being that the entire venue was general admission, and I couldn't help but wonder if these little girls were going to be able to handle the pit. The upper level was less crowded and it looked to be some places at the bar, so we climbed the stairs and wove our way over to the restroom.

There were less girls in here, most of them being a bit older than the average girl in the pit. There was one girl who was in the last sink, furiously scrubbing the back of her hand, completely overdressed with a little black dress and hot pink tights. She looked like she dressed to meet one of the guys. She snapped her head up and looked around the bathroom and the worst, high pitched screech came out of her mouth at the sight of us. 

"DANIIIIIIIIIIIII" I made out through the noise and the girl ran over, embracing Dani in an unwelcome hug, her arms stiff at her sides as the girl held her tightly. A few of the others glanced at the sight but paid no real attention, which I was thankful for. I didn’t want any attention drawn to us, not in such close quarters with no escape, “Dani, I’m so glad you’re here! I feel like it’s been forever!”

Dani just gave me a look like she was confused, and I couldn’t offer her any clues as to who this girl was. Now that she was closer, I could see the faint remains of a black X that was marked on the back of her hand, evidence of what she was scrubbing off. The blonde stepped back for a moment but held her hands on the top of Dani’s arms, not letting us get away. 

“Oh, I know…” she bluffed with a smile, “With work and all, it’s hard to get away sometimes. Have you met Mandy?” and she introduced me, dragging me into the weird conversation. 

“We haven’t yet! It’s so nice to meet you, Mandy,” and the blonde stuck out her red raw hand, “I’m Tiff.”

Fucking hell.

I flashed back to what Kevin had said weeks prior, that Tiff had stuck around long enough to find out about Dani, and I supposed that meant that they had met at some point. My stomach lurched as I politely shook her hand, grasping just a little too firmly, deciding right away that she and I were not going to be friends in any sense of the word. I couldn't help but wonder is Joe knew she was here, and if he did, why didn't he warn me? Had he talked to her since being back from Europe? 

Dani excused herself to use the facilities and Tiff went back to scrubbing her hand in the sink while I stood awkwardly against the wall. "So, Mandy, how do you know Dani?"

"Um, well, you know, I'm working for the company right now..." I answered, not wanting to tell her more than she needed to know, plus there were other people in this bathroom and I didn't know who was listening. She finally finished scrubbing her hand and went to dry them just as Dani finished up. I gave Dani a look like we needed to get out of here as soon as possible, to which she nodded. 

“Oh, so you’re the intern I’ve heard about…” she expressed, pointing a finger at me for emphasis.

“You’ve… heard?” I asked, the three of us leaving the bathroom and weaving in and out of clumps of girls, making our way back to the center bar. What exactly has she heard? If she knew about Dani, there was a distinct possibility that she had heard of me. 

“Well yeah, duh. Joey told me that a journalism intern was joining them for the summer,” Tiff clarified and I breathed a little sigh of relief. 

“So, what do you do again?” Dani asked as we took three seats at the bar. Tiff’s eyes lit up, clearly excited that she was the focus of attention once again.

“I moved out here about six month ago to be an actress. Daddy let me take some from my trust fund so that I’m comfortable while I make it,” she explained and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. She didn’t need to work and from the sound of it, she didn’t really want to either. She was out here to be famous and make a living doing that. 

“Wow, an actress? What have you been in?” I asked.

“Well, right now, I’m booking a lot of appearances than actual shows, but you might remember me as the damsel in distress from the “Burnin’ Up” video. That’s how Joey and I met. In fact, I have an appearance next week and I’m going to ask him to come with me.” The fuck he was going with her. Over my dead body he was going with her. Obviously, she didn’t pay any attention to the tabloids, or she didn’t care. To her, Joe was still single. Or, maybe not single, but definitely not with anyone else but her. 

"Okay, I need a drink," I stated, swiveling around in my seat. The other two girls nodded as the bar tender came over, asking for our order, "I have a Manhattan, please," settling on a whiskey drink.

"I'll have a Sprite and vodka," Dani ordered.

"And I'll have.... oh! A Cosmo!" Tiff was way too excited for such a basic drink.

"Great ladies, I'll just need to see some ID," and Dani and I went for our wallets.

"Actually, I'll just have a sparkling water with a lemon wedge," Tiff changed, a slight frown on her face. She was underage, of course. "I'm driving. Better safe than sorry!" The bartender checked our identification and motioned to our hands, checking for something.

"You two with the band?" And we nodded, "Your drinks are covered. Yours will be $3," and Tiff scoffed a bit. That's why she was scrubbing her hand so furiously. She wanted to drink for free. 

"That's ridiculous. It's just water..." she mumbled under her breath as our drinks were set out at the bar, but she handed over some cash anyway. 

"There are a lot of people looking at us..." Dani noticed as she took a sip of her drink and I became hyper aware of all the eyes on us. The few older girls who also got up the bar level were watching, plus some of the others that were positioned on the balcony banisters and could look up to where we were. My stomach lurched. I just wanted to enjoy the show as a fan for once and not have to fight or fend off a bunch of fans.

"They probably recognize me," Tiff quipped and slapped on a huge, perfect smile at everyone, which deterred no one. 

"I get the idea that you don't pay attention to the press much," I said, and the girl shook her head furiously.

"Oh god no. I don't want that negativity in my life. I figure that there will always be someone who hates everything and I can't let what people think dictate my life," she lectured and for a moment there, I almost thought that she was insightful. At least, it was a very mature attitude of her to have, if I didn't feel like it was all utter bullshit. 

The lights went down in the theater and the screams went up, including a piercing one right into my right ear. Tiff and Dani both leaped to their feet and got on the bannister. All I could do was follow suit, taking my place in the middle. Just like New York, no gimmicks or pyro, just the guys, the band, music, and their fans. Anyone who was able to get into this was going to witness something special. Kevin played the opening notes of “SOS” and the whole place went insane. Tiff was bouncing like she was down in the pit with those girls, like she had never seen them perform before. Who know, maybe she hasn't. 

Dani was excited, obviously, although she was much more reserved than she was at soundcheck, settling into swaying her hips with the music. I took sips of my drink, bobbing my head a little bit. I don't think I could ever be one of the complete fangirls like the ones that were crying right on the barrier, but their music had grown on me since I had started this crazy trip.

"Oh my god, aren't they just the best," Tiff cried out, echoing the sentiment that most, if not all the girls in the area had. I could only smile weakly, not that she even paid any attention to me. The whole band sounded great; I suppose a week and then some off to relax will do that to you. Though, Joe especially was on fire, working the entire stage, having limitless energy as they went into Inseparable. The crowd went even more insane, if that was even possible, and I had to admit that I got excited too. They never really played this on the tour and it was definitely one of their rock songs, one that really separated them from the other kiddy rock bands that had come before. 

I couldn't help but notice Kevin sneaking glances up at Dani when they sang, "Even when we're miles and mile apart, you're still holdin' all of my heart." They were stupid cute. Her smile was so wide I thought her cheeks would break off. Tiff let out an audible "Awwwww," which made some of the girls around us look over. Not exactly the type of attention Dani, or Kevin, wanted. 

A few more songs passed, and another Manhattan for me, the boys pulled out “Free Fallin’", and I could see some of the parents in the audience perk up, finally a song they really knew. Nick and Kevin played acoustics, Joe sat in the middle of the stage on a stool, perfectly comfortable with the throngs of girls screaming at him when she sang that he's a bad boy, and I couldn't help but let a smile crawl across my lips. He was my bad boy. Dani and I snuck a look at each other, both knowing how lucky we were to be part of these guys amazing life. It was more than just the money or the fame, or wanting to make other girls jealous. It was how, even from across a crowded room, one look, one smile, made the whole world fall away. The stress, finding a job, the paparazzi, none of that mattered as long as I was with Joe. It would all be okay. I'm sure Dani felt the same way about Kevin. They were meant to be together. 

They transitioned into "When You Look Me in the Eyes" and the whole place ramped up to 10, as it always did when they pulled out the older songs, and the glow sticks people had bought went up in the air, like lighters. It was always fun to watch Joe and Nick play off of each other, trading lines, and really, this was one of their best songs. From the middle of the stage, just as the chorus was kicking in, Joe lifted his head right towards me, his eyes locking with mine, singing his heart out to me, not caring that everyone would see. My cheeks flushed and I bit my lip, not daring to break the eye contact, and it felt like a few hours earlier, like he was only singing to me, like he wrote those words for me.

"Oh my god, Joe's looking right at me!" Tiff screamed in my ear, ending the moment, and I wanted to throw her over the balcony. He wasn't looking at her, he was looking at me. Me. His girlfriend. Tiff could officially fuck right off. She went back to screaming her head off before I could even respond, but Dani linked arms with me, giving my hand a knowing squeeze.

For the first time, I wish we had made our relationship public, not that Tiff would have paid any attention. I knew he was signing to me, and that was enough, but it bothered me that some other girl tried to hijack my moment. Maybe the world didn't need to know, but she did, and I couldn't be the one to tell her. Joe had to be. 

But, all that worry slipped away as soon as I heard the chord ring out of Kevin's guitar, Dani nudging me in the ribs, a knowing grin on her face. My face fell into my hands, embarrassed beyond words and stupidly happy that they were playing “Mandy” again. Those in the audience who knew the song screamed, but Tiff stopped bouncing immediately, looking around, confused. And just like New York, they sang it for me, and the people that were around the three of us up in the balcony, they knew something was up. Short of throwing an actual spotlight on me, Joe was making every effort to make sure I knew how he felt about me. My cheeks flushed but I couldn't help but smile and sing along. I guess this was it. We were going public. 

They played for nearly two hours, the audience barely being able to keep up with their energy. After the final encore of “Burnin’ Up” (with Tiff screaming even louder than before, trying her best to get Joe’s attention from the stage), their final show on the Burnin Up tour was over. It was bittersweet in a way. I very highly doubted I would ever get to go on tour with another band again, and it meant that I was just a few short weeks from being released from my internship. But, then again, it also meant that maybe, just maybe, some of the insanity would die down. 

Girls on the floor were crying as others shuffled around them, making their way out of the venue. Dani and I turned from the balcony, setting our empty glasses on the bar and leaving a tip for the bartender, even if we didn’t have to. 

“I heard that you guys are going over to the bowling alley to celebrate?” Tiff asked as she closed her phone, both of us just giving her a blank look. I had no idea what the plans for the rest of the night were, but I hadn’t heard anything. “Anyway, I’m sure I’ll see you two around!” and she grabbed each of us in turn, squeezing us into unwanted hugs before she bounced away, getting swallowed by the masses. If I had my way, I would never see her again.

Making our way back down, we waited along the sidelines for the place to empty, not wanting to chance trying to get to the back while someone could be paying attention. Thankfully, security shooed the crying girls out fairly quickly and the two of us snuck backstage, following the sounds of celebration from down the hall. The champagne was flowing, the band spraying it on each other, but as soon as we entered the room, Joe set his bottle down, crossing over to me and capturing my lips with his, lifting me up with one arm. The whole situation went right to my brain, the taste of sweat and champagne making my head go dizzy. He nipped at my bottom lip again and I held onto him tighter, wishing he and I could be alone for the rest of the night. My shirt got damp from his sweat but I didn’t care. God, he was amazing.

“There’s an afterparty at the bowling alley across the street, whenever we’re ready to head over,” Nick informed the room at large as Joe finally set me back down to Earth, a stupid grin plastered on his face. I couldn’t help but notice that Garbo had excused himself from the celebrations, his accusations from earlier echoing fresh in my mind and a whole new wave of anxiety washed over me. I pulled on my white shirt a little bit, trying to make it a little less transparent. 

“I just want to change and I think we’ll be ready,” Joe answered, sneaking another kiss from me before disappearing into the dressing room.

“So, I guess Tiff was right,” Dani commented, gathering up her purse and other things. I could only nod. Why was all of this bothering me so much? Okay, yeah, so Tiff knew something before I did, but obviously somebody tipped her off. It wasn’t unheard of, after all, she was part of this circle, in a weird way. But I couldn’t place what was bothering me about Garbo. It wasn’t just his words, his thought that maybe Joe and I were not on the same level in the relationship. It was like something about me being with Joe bothered him. But then again, that didn’t make sense. Garbo was one of the people encouraging me to be with Joe in the first place. 

A few minutes later and the trio emerged, freshly changed and no longer soaking wet. Our little entourage left out the back door, piling into the SUV that had been waiting for us, and it pulled out of the venue and into the bowling alley that was quite literally across the street. It was excessive, being that we could have walked, but even now, there were fans wandering around the parking lot of the House of Blues, so unless we wanted to start a riot, driving was the only option. The car pulled around the back and we all piled out, Joe offering me his hand like a perfect gentleman, and I gladly accepted it.

The alley was closed to the public but it was still decently packed, full of friends and people the boys knew from work. The backlights and lasers were on, my shirt glowing in the semi-darkness, but as soon as we approached the first group of people, Joe broke away. Selena and Demi were here, giving hugs and excited screams all around, but I couldn’t help but notice Miley wasn’t around. Not that I really wanted to meet her. 

“Joey!!!” broke through the loud pop music that was playing and Tiff came out of nowhere, running as fast as she could in her heels, and she wrapped her arms around Joe’s neck so fast and so tight that he couldn’t avoid it, “Oh-emm-gee baby, your show was so good!!”

“Oh my god, Tiff, you’re here…” Joe replied in disbelief, his eyes snapping to mine in a panic. 

“Of course I am, silly! When I heard you were playing a show I just had to be there to show my support! And then Selena texted me that you were going to be partying over here, so I absolutely had to come say hi in person!” she explained, to no one’s interest except mine, “I missed you, Joey. These phone calls just weren’t enough!” So Selena was to blame for this miss, which made sense. Her and Nick were looking mighty cozy at a lane, and she and Tiff must have met on the set of Burnin Up. 

The boys worked the room, or rather, two of them worked the room and one worked on a girl. They knew everyone here in some way or another and it was getting impossible to remember anyone’s names, and no one actually wanted to talk to me. They all wanted their time with the band. 

Without even excusing myself, I stepped away from it all, taking a seat at the bar. I didn’t even really want to drink or anything like that, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. It was just as Kevin had said back at the Hall of Fame. These friends, these people that they only saw a handful of times in a year, that they had only known for a few months, these were the people that were now important. It was so odd now that I was witnessing it firsthand. All of it just seemed so fake. They claim they know what Kevin, Joe, and Nick’s lives are like, but none of them do. None of them are there for the 4 am wake up calls or the interviews or sound checks. None of them know about the struggles, the secrets. None of them know about me.

“Are you Mandy?” a voice startled me and I swung my seat around, coming face to face with a black woman who was definitely older than I was but dressed way cooler than any of the kids here. 

“Why? Who is asking?” I asked slowly, not really trusting the situation. The woman smiled a knowing smile and pulled out a business card, handing it to me with purpose. Even through the blacklight I could make out the logo. My hands couldn’t stop shaking.

“I’m Joy Richards, assistant editor at Rolling Stone. I hear you’re writing an article. Let’s talk sometime,” she introduced and as quickly as she approached, she left through the back door.


End file.
